To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

[Tvstar]

Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

There's a continuum.

And yes, parenting choices play a part.

Unless of course we want to be illogical and claim all sorts of environmental factors play a role whilst pretending that a major environmental factor such as parenting choices has a get out of jail free card.

Either we accept (as most of us do) that environment factors play a part, or we don't and we say that it's all totally innate (in which case there's no arguing social media, exams etc are factors). People can't have it both ways

I suffered anxiety as a child and teenager. Ultimately, I tried to commit suicide. My youngest DS has suffered from severe separation anxiety (which is how I started). The difference is that he saw a counsellor at school age 5 which helped a great deal. I didn’t get any help until I tried to kill myself. We are definitely more alert to mental heath issues today.

But the type of parenting you describe wouldn’t cause anxiety, just entitled children. Which is the reverse.

Sometimes children need to be told they are wrong and to just get a grip. Really - my two are as resilient as they come. They laugh at themselves and accept when something is their fault. Give children space to get it wrong. And frankly, tell them they are a silly arse when they have been!! Then laugh together.

It's not having firm boundaries which make your child feel safe and that you're in control. It's giving your child too much choice. It's giving them a say in big decisions such as buying a house, what car to buy, which holiday to go on. It's inadvertently demonstrating the world is a scary place to your child through your own anxious behaviours.

Sorry don’t understand the last post. Is it firm boundaries or too much choice that causes anxiety.

Kids are bombarded with messages about danger, it’s no wonder they’re anxious. Internet, social media, strangers, traffic - they are constantly being warned about something. Not to mention every news bulletin telling them the world is about to end due to climate change, but probably not before we’ve all fallen victim to knife crime.

Well my parents generation (I’m near 30) royally messed my generation all up. We all have anxiety or depression of some sort and now we’re all having babies. I have my anxiety under control but loads of people don’t. What happens when you have an anxiety ridden parent? Your children feel that energy and anxiety and become anxious themselves. It’ll only continue unless we as a society get control of our mental health. Maybe stop covering up the issues with drugs, and go to therapy and work on yourself instead. The drug industry has increased its revenue like no other. If you look at most of the drugs on the market they have a lot of mental and physical symptoms.
There’s a few more factors I think are contributing but all in all I think our society is a cluster fuck of a mess right now and it needs to be addressed

We have too much choice and too much information. It's overwhelming and stressful.
Also the fact that parents are expected to work as if they don't have children and raise children as if they don't have to work.
Financial pressures force families back to work when their babies are very young which can contribute.
Screen time can contribute.
The news can contribute.
Friendships can contribute - especially when X got an iPad for Christmas and Y only got books and socks.
Expectation to be busy all the time can contribute.
Moving away from family and close friends can contribute.
Growing up in a forces family or when one parent works away a lot can contribute.
A bad diet can contribute.
Poor health can contribute.

Basically anything. Life for children now is totally different to how it was even just 20 years ago.

Maybe it’s the junk food or the fact that 20% of children don’t even drink WATER daily. They are loaded with artificial everything. When we’re at the park everybody has crisps and it’s rare that a child will want to share my sons fruits and veggies and water.

Also.... parents use to stay home. Dads use to get weekends off and be home for dinner. Society is changing and from a child development and psychology standpoint it’s not good for our children. The first two years of life children for the attachment they use for the rest of their lives their “inner working model” of attachment.

I was very anxious as a child but it wasn’t recognised as such - one particular GP caught on that something must be up with my repeated stomach aches and reluctance to be at school but no one looked any deeper or investigated what was going on. It was only when I ended up having a breakdown in my mid-20s, did two years of counselling and then realised that all my stomach problems/IBS had completely vanished.

I’m trying to parent my DD very differently so she is secure and confident rather than scared and afraid all the time.

I think that we are better at diagnosing/recognising things like anxiety but I also think that parents can be to blame. Too many children are given access to social media way too early with no parental supervision. Parents anxieties are also transferred to their children. I am often shocked at what parents believe is unacceptable for their DC’s for example my DC had cross country and the class parents were very vocal about their dissatisfaction. Did the school know if it was outside/cold/muddy etc. Very concerned that DC’s were going to be subjected to such appalling conditions. The children were full of themselves when they came out, excited their class had done so well. Not one parent even commented on the excitement...merely the negativity they had associated with the activity. This isn’t a one off I hear complaints regularly about similar issues, this inevitably rubs off on children who pick up on that feeling. So I believe it’s a combination of problems but also a parental issue.

But the type of parenting you describe wouldn’t cause anxiety, just entitled children. Which is the reverse
It does cause kids to find the world stressful, because they've never had to go through resolving their own issues.

Again, we either say:

1. Environmental factors play a role and that includes the consequences of some parenting decisions

Or

1. Environmental factors don't play a part at all, in which case there's no arguing that social media / exams etc play a part.

What we can't do is what you and some others seem to be doing is saying all these wider environmental factors are factors... Oh but not parenting because that doesn't count. Social media counts, but not the parents who model how to behave and navigate life. Exams count and GCSEs cause problems, but not 16 years of parenting. Homework counts and school is super stressful and there's just so much pressure from school, but the time spent out of school (which is a bigger portion of time) doesn't count because it would be terrible to suggest parents shape behaviour and feelings.

Funny how people can say that they had toxic childhoods and that their childhood family relationships have affected them throughiut life on some threads (e.g. fear of failure, feelings if inadequacy, finding it hard to form trusting relationships etc), but here some people are falling over backwards to try and pretend there's no way of suggesting any link between the experiences on those threads and parental behaviour.

1. more pressure academically
2. social media/technology
3. bullying has evolved alongside SM
4. we talk about our feelings more
5. more broken families
6. blended families
7. financial struggles are worse
8. families move around more

Children are more anxious today as that is what they are being taught to be. I am sorry but there has to be an element of stiff upper lip. So far in our workplace we have had 3 apprentices leave as they are not in touch with the real world and do not respond well to instructions or comments. This more often than not stems from either low self esteem as they have historically been berated on social media or from over estimation of themselves as they have been liked a couple of 100 times for a tic toc. Don't worry about big televisions they don't even watch TV anymore.
Our society today consists of an inability to socialise unless it is by WhatsApp Instagram or text but text is old fashioned. That is even for the older generation as pubs have shut to make way for housing estates or the alcohol is to expensive to consider a night out due to other financial constraints. We now have numerous sexualities being highlighted on all media avenues, I can honestly say I have not seen a heterosexual kiss on TV for months it could even be years so what was the normal is becoming the abnormal which is wrong as children are now being shown a disjointed view of the world and as for me too. I knew from early teens not to put myself in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. I fear for my son his anxiety at 20 is to even speak to a girl in case she takes him to court. I fear for my daughter as at ten her anxiety was questioning which sexuality she should pick as her friend were omnisexual and liquidity sexual I mean what does that even mean

A teacher told me recently she had a classroom of anxious kids and her theory was that there isn’t enough expected of them at home and so they can’t handle any stress at school. She may be onto something. I see a lot of kids treated like little Saudi princes by their mums and dads (all obstacles and plates cleared for them) -land imagine that’s not great for resilience.

Over controlling parents like the one on a different thread cancelling her kids birthday party because he didn't fill up some jug!

But you can’t say all kids with anxiety come from parents who parent like that. Parents parent hugely different and bring all sorts to the party as couples. Environment, circumstances and personalities will all differ hugely.It is very extreme too, parents will parent all along the spectrum.

Nearly all kids will be dealing with social media

Social media is only one factor. Like a controlling parent. Inevitably behaviour is caused by both genetic and environmental factors. I was being facetious with my last comment. I doubt back in 1985 my parents or teachers would have noticed if I had had anxiety. It wasn't part of the narrative back then.

I agree with @Tvstar

But you can’t say all kids with anxiety come from parents who parent like that
Except nobody has said all kids come from parents like that. 🙄

People have said there's a range of factors and parenting choices and influences are some of those factors.

How on earth do children and teens learn how to appraise risks and take risks if the adults don't let them? How do they learn it's ok to make mistakes or mess up or do badly on a test if they're never allowed to fail or they get it in the neck any time anything isn't top? How do children learn it's ok to find things tough and that life isn't a competition if their parents have spent years focusing on how great it is that their child is better than others? How do children learn how to travel independently without being scared of kidnap if home insist on ferrying them round because the streets are apparently not safe? How do they learn to manage their time if home micromanage their time? How do they learn how to navigate social situations and fall outs if someone always swoops in to rescue them? How do they learn to see being in a lower set as a positive opportunity to learn at their pace if they've only ever heard their parents speak of lower sets as being for "bad children" or "naughty children"?

Ultimately the way adults model resilience and life skills and outlook affects children.

It makes me think of two classes one year. With mine, we'd worked hard for 2 years, they'd been praised when needed and nudged/sanctioned when needed, they were told they'd find things difficult and that's ok, they were told that they'd score some low marks along the way and that's ok, they knew that when they went into that exam they'd be well prepared and I had every faith in them.

Meanwhile in another class students were wound up, stressed out, told they had to learn at least X number of quotations or they'd struggle on the paper, they had lots of so called motivational talks which seemed to be a colleague passing on their own stresses. But then they were always told they were out performing other classes (they weren't and the colleague wasn't aware of other group performance). They'd get detailed essay frames to ensure their essays got higher marks, because that made them feel good (even though they couldn't replicate it in the exam). It was a mix of steamrollering difficulties and bigging them up, and stressful pep talks to pile the pressure on. They wanted the reassurance of being top/better than everyone else, but we're also crippled in places by the pressure.

As y11 rolled round, my class were calmer and more confident and not worried, whilst the other class were worrying, always fishing for information about what grades everyone else was on, asking what homework different classes were doing etc.

My class got the better results and were less stressed.

That's an anonymised anecdotal observation, but if that's the difference on a few hours a week, imagine the difference the adults in a child's whole life could have.

That example took longer to type than I realised.

TLDR - If the difference in adult behaviour has a substantial difference class to class in one subject at schools, it's hardly surprising that parental choices make a difference to the mental and emotional well-being of their own children.

Of course but parental choices have always been around and will vary hugely.You can’t link all parents together and say all of those with kids suffering from anxiety parent the same. They just don’t, there are too many variables and other environmental factors.

I do think the record everything does have an impact. I remember falling over on stage when I was 10. I was very shy but entered some kind of talent thing. It was on holiday, everyone laughed, I was humiliated but I'm probably the only one who remembers it. Now it could spread on social media despite not being old enough to be on there.

Of course parents are the main ones recording everything, but DS2's school has recently started a Facebook page. (New Head). They've recently held student council elections and the children have to give a speech in front of their year group. dS2 ended up doing it for his mentor group, despite not wanting (long story, but it was his fault). He really is quite shy, also his voice is doing that not completing broken thing. The whole thing was recorded, though the clip put on FB was not of him speaking, he'd have just preferred for their to be no hard record, IYKWIM.