To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

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Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

I was only the shit list a few times too.

I was ON the shit list a few times too that should have said.

I left the same year and never did. My teachers were more focused on striking( which happened a lot)than testing. First time I ever sat a French oral test was the day of the exam. Had never been in an exam hall before GCSEs. I think it was lax tbh.My dc are tested all the time. It’s the rote learning, dry curriculum and volume of stuff on top of the continual testing, meeting expectations I have an issue with.

It’s the rote learning, dry curriculum and volume of stuff on top of the continual testing, meeting expectations I have an issue with.
That just sounds like the same old nonsense from people who either haven't taught the new specifications or who are trying to teach the new specs the way they did the old ones and then complain when their methods aren't working (usually by blaming the students).

Prior to teaching the new courses, I was really concerned about rote learning, too much content etc. Actually I was wrong. It's been much better for freedom in teaching, well planned sequences recap knowledge as we go, the content isn't dry in my subject at all (if anything there's more scope to do more interesting work than teaching the same texts under the old spec).
Regular low stakes testing is better than high stakes testing for retention.
There's no endless battle on coursework/controlled assessments where SLT pressure and student laziness meant redoing pieces for 1-2 marks more.

I don't love all elements of the new courses, but I had a chance to swap back to the old ones then I'd be strongly against returning.

They give him support but not at the level he needs and then when he's doing well they take the support away as "he's doing really well, he doesn't need it any more". Vengar this is likely because as he doesn't have an EHCP the school will be trying to meet his needs through their basic SEN budget, which is not a lot. Schools are stretched thin - they have a huge number of children who need extra support whether from SEN, mental health issues, physical health issues, or home life / safeguarding issues - and simply not the resources to do it. So I imagine when your child is doing better they think 'great, we can now divert the TA to helping such-and-such who also has long list of needs'. Not ideal but that's the reality.

At secondary school it's not any better..... I work with post 16 and the school simply does not have the funds to offer much in the way of support for extra needs (unless the student has have an EHCP). There's one school counsellor for the whole school, and one SENCO. There's a lot of students with anxiety / mental health issues / self harming / panic attacks / suicidal thoughts. We direct them to the counsellor and external sources of support, the teachers are aware and try to help but they are snowed under with their teaching and paperwork and simply can't give huge amounts of attention to each student.

meeting expectations I have an issue with.

But won't they have expectations of them in the working world? I know there are expectations of me at work and I have expectations of the people in my team that they must meet and I question them if they don't.

Isn't it better to start instilling that now, so it's no shock in later life?

'One of my DDs has anxiety but there is absolutely no reason for it. She has never experienced hardship and has no reason to be anxious other than she’s on the edge of adulthood and it’s a big world.'

But that it is what anxiety as a mental health issue is. If there's an obvious reason, then it's not a mental health problem; just justified worry.

It also occurs to me that many years ago, there was at least as much anxiety, but that it was often treated as a spiritual rather than a medical issue. People would be described as having a 'spiritual crisis' or 'the scruples' rather than 'general anxiety disorder' or 'OCD'. I have read childhood autobiographies of people who, even at a very young age, were terrified of going to hell. Of course, for others, religion provided a great comfort.

'Everyone gets anxious sometimes, it is a normal emotion. I certainly feel anxious a few times a week, before a meeting, giving a presentation, stress etc, doesn't mean I have anxiety though.'

Right, and no one is saying that feeling anxious every now and then is the same as having an anxiety disorder. Just as feeling a bit hot or cold on occasion is not the same thing as having a high fever or hypothermia.

I hate the idea that people who suffer from mental health issues are just spoilt brats who need to be forced to 'get on with it'. I have only really once met a person who clearly used her 'anxiety' and 'chronic stress' as an excuse for treating others badly and getting out of work, etc., and she was someone who'd have been brought up in the 70s. On the other hand, I have known several people who suffered a great deal from anxiety as children before it was recognized, and who probably would have done better in life and been happier if the issues had been diagnosed earlier.

@PhilCornwall1, I agree with your points about expectations but children are still learning. There’s a balance in setting expectations that are achievable and helping to teach expectations that are a challenge. With certain personalities if you consistently set the bar too high they will just stop trying. That doesn’t teach them anything they can take with them into the adult world and I can see that in a lot of people I meet.

Chuck in a predisposition towards anxiousness and you find adults who just completely shut down when faced with whatever they find hard.

It’s a lot of work to undo that kind of foundation and particularly hard for parents who themselves thrive on being challenged to understand.

Children don't feel their feelings. Parents micro manage their children's lives so much that children don't do it themselves and then can't. Parents trying to resolve friendship issues, marching up to school over the tiniest thing.
For example. Parents buy multiples of their child's favourite toy so they have a spare if it is lost. Children then never get to work through the emotions that would come when losing something precious. They never feel these emotions. Then the day comes when the parents can't help and the children can't cope.

@coragreta I totally agree. We never got involved with fallings our between our boys and their friends, they had to manage that themselves. We would of course get involved if it became physical. The have turned out fine.

My youngest went in to Year 7 last year and one morning asked me if I would write a note to one of his teachers because he hadn't done a specific piece of homework. I asked why he hadn't done it and he said "he forgot". I wouldn't do it and he got wound up saying he would get a detention. My response was a tough luck, you shouldn't have forgotten and perhaps this will make you learn for next time.

With the way some parents are these days (and I do say some, not all), I would have been branded cruel and I should have helped him. Not a chance with this one, he had to learn the hard way that he is not going to be bailed out all the time.

You know what after scrolling Facebook today and talking to a friend about her Xmas plans, I’ve been thinking, everything is like such a ‘Big Deal’ now. Taking the 11+ as an example, it used to be that we took it at school and it wasn’t a big thing. We were nervous yes but it was a hug at the drop off in the morning and a ‘do your best’. You did it, everyone was abuzz with it for a day or so then it was forgotten. I passed, I was happy, my mum bought me a cheap watch I wanted from a Argos and that was that. Now it’s two years of tutoring. Constant chatting about it. Parental hand wringing when they think the kids are oblivious. Calming techniques for days before at bedtime coz kids are wound up about The Big Day. Treats after the test itself. Then results come out. Not passed - not fair, appealing will be done, posts all over Facebook pleading for help and opinions, ‘my child is devastated I don’t think the test was fair he was three points off passing’. Weekends away as commiseration or congratulations trips. New bikes as promised for passing. Bragging on Facebook (‘it’s not bragging I’m just sooo proud of them!’). Everyone’s child seems to have ‘overcome the odds’ because they had a bad cold two years ago or their karate teacher said something harsh to them three weeks before the 11+ exam.

Ok some of that is slight hyperbole but I’m using very real examples.

Other things like Xmas eve boxes, personalized with new pjs and books and treats before the madness of Xmas even begins. Easter balloon extravaganzas filled with sweets and confetti (made popular round here by ... a balooon shop) plus money and vouchers, chocolate and days out doing egg hunts. A chocolate egg at the end of the bed is not enough, you’re failing at parenting.

See phil I disagree - I think it does kids’ confidence the world of good to know it’s OK to sometimes balls up and your parents have your back.

Other things like Xmas eve boxes, personalized with new pjs and books and treats before the madness of Xmas even begins. Easter balloon extravaganzas filled with sweets and confetti (made popular round here by ... a balooon shop) plus money and vouchers, chocolate and days out doing egg hunts. A chocolate egg at the end of the bed is not enough, you’re failing at parenting.

I feel like this too. I know kids who get so over excited at Halloween, they dress up, have parties, go trick or treating, endless sweets etc etc it's one night in one year and probably lasts an absolute maximum of 3 hours. Then Xmas eve boxes, elf on the p!ssing shelf it's just endless stimulation and so much "excitement" that ironically there is NO excitement because they have nothing to work or aim for or wait for. Weekends are rammed with pocket money, grandparents treats, Parties, farms, zoos, soft plays, playdates, its endless.

See phil I disagree - I think it does kids’ confidence the world of good to know it’s OK to sometimes balls up and your parents have your back
Balls up and have a tricky situation and know that your parents will help you out = very good thing

Balls up on entirely mundane day to day things like forgetting to do your homework and know your parents will make loads of excuses for you = ridiculous mollycoddling

My mum refused to take me home for my homework once. We were on the way to school I was about 14 and she dropped me on her way to work every day. She’d taken me home in the past for it, making her late for a stressful nhs job. I was fuming l, I think I cried, was stressing out. When it came to it, my teacher gave me some sort of note in my school planner and told me to bring it the next day. I realized the world didn’t end and no one really cared that much and it was good for me

When I did the 11+ at school, I didn’t know I had done it. Parents were told not to tell us and for it just to be another test.

Nobody had tutoring that I remember. I think our class teacher told us what it looked like and said we couldn’t revise for it. That was it.

'New bikes as promised for passing.'

A new bike was a standard reward for passing the 11+ decades ago, if parents could afford it. It was partly because children would usually have further to go to school if they went to grammar school; but a lot of it was just to emphasize the importance.

Even as far back as the 19th century, while most children left school as early as possible, those who did stay on and take exams were often put under enormous pressure. Has anyone else read F.W. Farrar's melodramatic but readable novels set in boys' private boarding schools? 'Eric or Little by Little' is probably the best known; but another book 'St Winifreds' includes a boy who dies of a fever brought on by stress and overwork on his academic subjects!

Exactly footie.
It's a mistake. Mistakes happen. There'll be different consequences but the world moves on.
The world doesn't end because a student made a mistake and was reminded or sanctioned.
But then you see it on here all the time, with posters thinking that because their child is a good kid that the sanction shouldn't apply, or they should get a free pass, where the sanction should only apply to other people's kids. It feels like a waste of breath pointing out that having to speak to a child or sanction them doesn't mean we hate them, it doesn't mean we think they're a bad kid etc.

@magpiebadger have his back even though his forgotten meant he "couldn't be bothered"? I won't do that. I always back them up when needed, his was a case of, couldn't be bothered and I'll get bailed out.

You’re right but not sure why that would cause anxiety.

@LolaSmiles totally agree. When he had us to remind him and the show my homework app reminding him for a week, he ballsed up because he thought he'd get away with it. He learnt and has never done it since.

@ddl1 hmm when I was taking my 11plus in the early 2000’s it wasn’t a thing then. No one got a ‘prize’ maybe a small one or a trip to McDonalds .. that was like the ultimate treat amongst my friends! Now it’s a bloody £800 Carerra that they’re not even allowed to bloody ride anyway because everyone’s too paranoid about them going out by themselves !!

And that's a healthy way to do things Phil.

Compare that to poor kids who don't get that support and get endless excuses made, and notes left, right and centre and then they find that they're worrying during A Levels (or worse, still getting notes about why they couldn't have their coursework done ).
I've had calls asking what would be needed for medical considerations because their DC had a cold before their GCSEs... Meanwhile we've got students who've fought cancer and long term illness, lost family members, on child protection plans, so on who are fully supported by school and parents making less of a scene than "but my DC had the sniffles and that might cost them their grade" types.

I've seen y13 students choose to go to a university based largely on the fact that the lecturers apparently do 1-1s before every assignment to check that the students understand and can have their planning checked! Then I look at my KS3 classes and think "my 13 year old students are more resilient and prepared for life than an 18 year old!".

There's the very genuine mental health condition anxiety and then there's the fairly obvious consequence of generally pathologising normal emotions, avoiding any negative feelings, snowploughing any difficulties and wondering why those teens are poorly prepared for life.

But one presumes we’re talking about the medical condition not the ills of 2019 parenting.

I had anxiety as a child and adolescent and it was only as I learnt more about it that I realised this was my issue. I was forced to just get on with it (hid it). I was labelled shy, was an over achiever and not happy with myself. One of my parents has severe mental health problems and was getting counselling but I think I should have been getting it too as I had a real struggle into my twenties and was able to manage it in thirties. If we can make young people more aware of emotions and develop emotional intelligence then that has to be a good thing.