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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP's strange choice of words

114 replies

supersop60 · 02/11/2019 09:35

A small thing, but it irritates me.
DP has an electric car that needs to be down the drive to charge. Last night I was home first, so put my petrol car down there, knowing he only has a short journey today.
This morning he says "Can you try to remember not to put your car down the drive?"
When I objected to the way he said it, he went out in a huff.
He also says things like "Did you manage to get some milk?"
Oh no, DP, I couldn't quite manage it, and I'll TRY to remember about the car but I might not
Is it me? or does this sound ok to you?

OP posts:
wanderings · 02/11/2019 11:52

How long have you been together? If you're a new couple, you're still learning about each other; you will have been brought up on different values of politeness; and one person's "normal" can be another's "rude and patronising". If these little irritations keep happening, and they keep jarring every time, then I think that it is a good idea to point them out tactfully; otherwise resentment and seething can breed, and later he'd be saying "but you never said you minded!".

I have some sympathy, because I used to have little peeves about choices of words like this, especially when DP and I had not been together long. Here are some bits of dialogue we used to have, all in our first year together:

Him: I should have made you buy milk.
Me: Asked me to buy milk. Nobody makes me do anything!

Him: Why haven't you laid the table yet?
Me: Because you haven't asked me to.
It turns out that was his way of asking me to, I stamped on that quickly.

Him: Would you check such and such when you go?
Me: (Cheerfully) Don't expect me to remember.
He found that one objectionable, because it implied I would make no effort to remember. I listened, and I changed my usual reply to "I'll do my best to remember". Harmony all round. Smile

After a good few years together, it's now rare that we call each other out on things like this, because we've learned each other's ways of liking to be treated; however, we believe that communication is key. We usually wait for such irritations to become recurring, though, otherwise it could turn into "she always micromanages everything I say". When we do decide to point out something like this, we choose the moment carefully; usually not immediately after it has happened.

I sometimes object to some of the things my mum says, simply because of the way she says them. She would say "I'm hoping you'll take that enormous terracotta plant pot with you, because I'm not using it any more." Although it's kindly meant, I object to this very loaded way of putting it: it means that I can't refuse the request without "dashing her hope".

Part of this was that I used to be a people-pleaser, incapable of standing up for myself, and I would agree to all sorts of things I really shouldn't have agreed to, like Adrian Mole; so now I'm keen to prove that I'm not going to be manipulated in small ways, and to me that means not automatically agreeing to something, if I'm asked in the "wrong" way.

Ellisandra · 02/11/2019 11:52

I get that it was raining and you had shopping.
When a relationship is good though, you’d like are in the charging bit and text, “just a warning honey, my car’s on the drive as it’s raining and I had the shopping.”

My husband would reply, “thanks for getting the shopping. Don’t worry, I’ll switch them round when I get back”.

And then later in the day I might send, “rain stopped! I moved my car. See you later! Oh I forgot milk - could you grab some?”

I’ve been in both types of marriage, OP.

I do think it’s not for you to decide on how charged his car needs to be. I saw a meme once about 2 kinds of people in the world, low petrol gauge with Smile and Shock
That is my husband and me. I’m limping along on fumes optimistic I’ll make it, he has the jitters below half way. If it’s the same re the charging, you’d make him uncomfortable deciding when he should and shouldn’t recharge.

My husband would totally understand his need to charge daily comes lower in important than my need to not carry shooing in the rain. BUT he’s much prefer the courtesy text BEFORE he drove past the one last free parking spot on the road, then turned up the very narrow drive. He’d think that a minor act of selfishness, and so would I.

stitchwitch85 · 02/11/2019 12:00

Haha OP I hear you! My DH says, "Would you like to do X?" when he means, "Please do X." I generally reply with, "No, but I'll do it if you’d like me to?" or, "Do you mean "please will you do X"?" but it's just his way of speaking, so I don’t get het up about it (just needle him by pretending I don’t understand!)

I’m also a person who prefers the straight up request to one couched in "polite" language, but perhaps we are in the minority!

MintyMabel · 02/11/2019 12:02

I never ask him to do any of those little things that adults just get on with.

You never ask him to get milk? Seriously?

CheeryB · 02/11/2019 12:24

I never ask him to do any of those little things that adults just get on with

If we didn't ask each other to do little things like replenish the milk, we'd end up both doing it and have twice as much milk as we need. It would go off and we'd have to throw some away. Just a small amount of communication makes things run more smoothly.

supersop60 · 02/11/2019 12:32

Minty and Cheery You're right - I would say can you get more milk while you're out. I wouldn't then say "did you manage to?" I don't ask him to do things that I am capable, willing to do.
Elisandra - yes, I should have sent a text and warned him I was down the drive.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 02/11/2019 12:34

stitch I get "You can clean the car, mow the lawn etc if you want"

OP posts:
wanderings · 02/11/2019 12:55

If I make an order request too naggingly for DH's liking, he replies "yes sir," usually with a smile. It's an agreed code between us.

BetLynchWhatCanIGetYouPet · 02/11/2019 13:03

you've had a hard time on this thread @supersop60 and I don't understand why. Normally mumsnetters more astute. It hink that threads go one way or the other way early on and then the direction is set.

If somebody asked me if I'd ''managed'' to do a task that was my responsibility when it benefitted us both (ie, the milk) and asked me in the tone that it was a simple task but one they didn't have faith in me to do right, I'd be very annoyed.

If he's making menial tasks your responsibility and then asking you with condescension if you ''managed'' to get them done, I'd be raging.

Aridane · 02/11/2019 13:56

Poor DH - who would know that regular English could be such a linguistic minefield ...

NeverGotMyPuppy · 02/11/2019 13:59

Honestly there is more projection on here than in a cinema.

Only OP knows how it was said. There is nothing to say that those things are automatically passive aggressive or anything else PPs have accused him of.

Why people want to make other people's relationships worse is beyond me.

ThisThat · 02/11/2019 14:04

To me it sounds like he doesn't want to be giving you direct orders like 'get milk' or 'don't park there'. I used to hate while on maternity leave, DH would say stuff like 'you might pick up might dry cleaning later'. I'd say 'oh might I?' Grin. I would prefer if he said 'could you?' but he didn't mean anything by it

saraclara · 02/11/2019 14:07

My lovely late husband and I used " did you manage to...?" a lot of the time. All it signified is that we both had a lot on and it might not have been easy to do whatever little task one of us had aimed/offered to do.
It was a considerate question, removing the pressure that might have been felt if we'd said "did you do...?"

Oakmaiden · 02/11/2019 14:10

I think it sounds like he was trying to phrase it in a non-confrontational way, but ended up sounding studied and a bit PA.

It is difficult though - I sometimes tie myself up in knots trying to phrase things in a non-demanding, friendly way

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