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Original poster

DP's strange choice of words

114 replies

supersop60 · 02/11/2019 09:35

A small thing, but it irritates me.
DP has an electric car that needs to be down the drive to charge. Last night I was home first, so put my petrol car down there, knowing he only has a short journey today.
This morning he says "Can you try to remember not to put your car down the drive?"
When I objected to the way he said it, he went out in a huff.
He also says things like "Did you manage to get some milk?"
Oh no, DP, I couldn't quite manage it, and I'll TRY to remember about the car but I might not
Is it me? or does this sound ok to you?

OP posts:
Notodontidae · 02/11/2019 10:36

I dont get your logic in thinking he only had a short journey, there is always the unexpected, plus if in the UK, maybe with the dark nights and rain he used more battery than usual. You might have to walk the shopping a bit further down the drive, if he runs out of battery he would have to walk miles. Still no need for him to be sarcastic though, tell him he shoul;d have more respect, and he can bring in any heavy bags next time, and pick up the milk.

Allycumpooster · 02/11/2019 10:37

It’s little passive aggressive statements like this that finally ended my marriage. It felt like endless drip of “could you just try harder to be a nicer person”. One day I ended it because he said “it would be nice if you left the light on for me”.
🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes the little things multiply into a very big thing.

Karwomannghia · 02/11/2019 10:39

I think manage is ok if you’ve eg said would you mind getting some milk on the way home and you’re checking whether they did. There’s an implication there that you might have forgotten/ didn’t get chance or they’re going out so could get some then if not. If it’s all the time and not related to a previous conversation it’s very grating.

Walkaround · 02/11/2019 10:41

supersop60 - there is absolutely nothing wrong with the words he uses. It is obvious he irritates you, though. Clearly you expect him to walk on eggshells around you. Does he make it obvious you irritate him, too?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 02/11/2019 10:41

I get what you mean OP! Dh (who is lovely) phrases things like this sometimes and it gives me the rage.

He thinks he’s being polite, I find it grating. He’ll ask me to do stuff during the day as he’s on his way out at 6am (put bins out, get milk, phone dentist, stuff that I would be doing anyway) and then when he gets in he’ll say ‘did you remember to/manage to...’.

It makes me feel like he’s managing me and that he thinks if he doesn’t remind me I’ll forget.

He also still sometimes drops hints rather than asking directly although I’ve mainly trained him out of that by not responding to hints.

He does mean well, I’m just narky and much more direct.

Karwomannghia · 02/11/2019 10:42

Next time say did you manage it?

Scarydinosaurs · 02/11/2019 10:42

I have definitely felt like this at points in my marriage.

About three months ago we reached a kind of crisis point (but not really over any particular issue- neither of us had done anything damaging) and after a real discussion, we both agreed to try and ‘like’ each other more.

Things have slowly slowly got so much better. It is possible to go back again, but I think it has to be a conscious effort, and you do have to genuinely believe the other party likes you too. Love, really. It’s all about how we feel, and make others feel.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 10:43

Couldn't you answer factually and directly: 'I parked there deliberately as I had lots of bags but I'm happy to awap the cars round now, if you like?

Branleuse · 02/11/2019 10:43

I dont see the issue. Lots of people flower up their requests to not sound like direct commands.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 10:43

swap

Ellisandra · 02/11/2019 10:45

The words about the car would go right over my head with husband #2, but with husband #1 would have had me screaming “I fucking hate you” inside my head 🤷‍♀️
You’ll never get it across in a single post with no context, background, facial expression.

I font understand the car parking. If your drive takes 3 cars, why are you talking about having to walk 100m after finding street parking. Even though no-one has a right to a parking spot, if parking is scarce on your road as you say, I’d be quietly pissed off that your family had 3 spaces and was still using roadside spaces. That’s quite rude. Get a longer cable.

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 10:45

It’s little passive aggressive statements like this that finally ended my marriage.

there's absolutely nothing passive aggressive in these statements though - how you interpret them is entirely based on your mood and lack of relationship.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 10:45

I think generally, if you stick to facts in your responses, you're leaving the choice to react emotonally or not, with him. You don't have to engage with that, or get wound up.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/11/2019 10:45

Yes I think it's just a signifier for bigger cracks overall.

And if he's basically a bit sarcastic and sneering, then that would be it.

On language, if you want to explore it further, simply use the same to him and see if he objects. Perfectly kind pleasant voice - Did you manage to call the garage/pick up the cat food/return the gimp mask to Amazon? See if you get a huffy 'what's your problem' back - if not, it probably is just his turn of phrase.

Wonkybanana · 02/11/2019 10:49

I think this is one where it's not so much what's said, but the tone of voice it's said in. So nobody can really tell whether or not it was patronising, passive aggressive or anything else because we only have the words written down.

I wouldn't mind either 'did you manage to get' or 'did you get', IF the question was asked in a light, purely asking for information, voice. However if it was asked in a way that suggested I usually cocked up and probably had this time as well because I'm useless, then I'd be raging. Only the OP knows how things are said and the intention behind them.

Savingforarainyday · 02/11/2019 10:50

Maybe he was irritated, but that was the least confrontational way of asking you.

Seriously though- your drive takes 3 cars, you park in the only place he can charge his. Perhaps what he really wanted to do was ask why you were being thoughtless, but chose a less argumentative way.

Iloveacurry · 02/11/2019 10:50

If your drive can take 3 cars, and you got home first, why can’t you just swap around later when he gets home? He’s making a big deal about it. Also if off road parking near your house is difficult, surely parking on your drive is easier?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 02/11/2019 10:52

The manage wouldn't bother me. Try to might

Whitleyboy · 02/11/2019 10:53

There is nothing wrong with your DP saying "Did you manage....". It is just a turn of phrase that would be acceptable to many and you are over-analysing and nit-picking.

Him saying "can you try and remember" is probably because he is peed off that you park nearest to the house despite him needing the charging point. I wouldn't do it. I would automatically park on the road so that he has access to the charging point, should he need it.

You need to sort out the actual issues you have with him rather than imagining everything to be a slight.

chuck7 · 02/11/2019 10:53

OH took issue with the way I phrased things when he was depressed simply because he didn't like anyone and everything annoyed him. "Do you mind doing the dishes?" was an annoying way to phrase it because obviously he would mind doing the dishes because who likes doing the dishes but yes he would do them anyway... but you can damn well bet if I'd said "will you do the dishes" he'd pipe up I was being bossy and demanding. Thankfully he's not like that now.
Do you like him OP? Its a horrible feeling to think you have to tread on egg shells around your partner because they take issue at the way you phrase simple things.

leomama81 · 02/11/2019 10:54

Yes, I think adding the 'manage' mitigates the demand. 'Did you get some milk' sounds quite confrontational, but 'did you manage to get some milk' admits that you might have hit some snag - been too busy, got distracted, shop sold out of milk...

I agree with this. Only you know exactly how he said it, but from what you've written, it sounds like you are overreacting. The fact he said he was trying to be nice suggests that was his intention, no?

Sounds like you are really irritating each other though..

Breathlessness · 02/11/2019 10:55

Both phrases sound like he was sighing as he spoke.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 10:55

A question - would he be fine with you having parked there deliberately (because you can swap positions later, because you knew his car didn't need charging that day)? Or does he see it as his space? Does he acknowledge that you have needs and preferences too? Does he care about those?

lottiegarbanzo · 02/11/2019 10:57

But ultimately, I agree with pp that you either like and respect each other, or you don't.

Original poster
supersop60 · 02/11/2019 10:57

The drive COULD take 3 cars, but it's on a steep slope, and the NDN drive is much lower. If you park on the slope and open the driver's door, it's a 3 foot drop to the ground.
Saving I rarely park on the drive, I KNOW DP needs to charge up.
Jeezoh100 yards in the rain with two heavy bags is not fun, and DP would have helped me if he's been in.
The reason I never say "did you manage to....." is because I never ask him to do any of those little things that adults just get on with.
He asks me to do stuff all the time.

OP posts:
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