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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feels like friends don't like my son

83 replies

NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:27

Son is 10. Met up my friends today who seemed very short with him, called him a bully for cheating in a game. They made comments on how loud he was, little comments to each other about him. It made me feel he wasn't fitting into the group of their children well enough. Feeling a bit rubbish like he isn't good enough for them anymore. ☹️

OP posts:
Mollpop · 01/11/2019 22:30

That sounds horrible. It must be really upsetting. In all honesty, do you think they have a point or are they being nasty? Can you talk to them about it?

Howlovely · 01/11/2019 22:32

Does your son have a history of unpleasant behaviour to their children or have they literally just today started calling him names and making comments about him in front of you? It seems like an odd thing to do - make comments to another about a child in front of their mum.
Did he cheat in the game? Was he very loud? Did he upset the other children?

Allthecake89 · 01/11/2019 22:34

How old are their kids? Do you think your son is more confident/loud than their children?

All kids are different. Mines shy and possesive. When she is tired she says things she doesn't mean. She's only 4. Every kid her age I've met has attitude sometimes but vary in their personalities massively! It's not nice to dig at a child's personality like your friends are unless he's hurting or scaring other kids. Even then they should handle it maturely and let you step up anyway.

Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:36

Just today the comments were made. ☹️ He was loud and excitable, in the end I got him to play next to me so I could keep an eye on him at all times as it was upsetting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:38

He does seem alot more immature that the other children. Not into XBox, phones etc. He seems alot younger even though he was one of the oldest.

OP posts:
PepePig · 01/11/2019 22:39

It depends on whether their comments are unfounded or not, unfortunately. If they're out of the blue you should talk to them about it. If they make sense then take time to work on these things.

purpleme12 · 01/11/2019 22:41

I don't know I guess it depends on how it was all said? Which is hard to tell from the post
The calling a bully seems horribly from the little he did.

I mean I think my friend gets annoyed with my child sometimes cos she pushes her luck especially she's around my friend's child. She's very loud sometimes and her child isn't. There pretty much opposites. And my child doesn't listen sometimes. So I do think she gets annoyed which i guess is why I say it depends on how it was which I can't tell from here. But then my friend is not horrible with it or her.

TryingAndFailing39 · 01/11/2019 22:42

Were the other children boys or girls? I know it shouldn’t matter but let’s be honest sometimes it does make a difference to others’ perceptions

Chloemol · 01/11/2019 22:43

I would calmly send a text to the friends saying thanks for meeting up today, but you are a bit upset at how they treated your son and the comments they made. Tell them if they have a problem with him you would prefer them to discuss it with you away from your son, as you are sure they would not want you to do the same to their children. That way you have put theme notice their behaviour was upsetting

Leaannb · 01/11/2019 22:45

Did you correct your child when he was caught cheating or being too loud?

Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:46

The bully comment came from they were playing a collect rubbish off the floor game and he took some rubbish from the other teams pile to make his team win.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:47

Yes, I corrected him for cheating in the game.

I feel like such a rubbish mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:48

Boys and girls.

I also asked him to calm down when he was too loud.

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 01/11/2019 22:56

You're not a rubbish mum at all!
My DN has always been loud and excitable and many times we have had to tell him to calm down a bit. He's get so over excited sometimes.
I wouldn't say cheating in a game makes him a bully!
You corrected him, they need to move on he's a child ffs.

LolaSmiles · 01/11/2019 23:14

You're not a rubbish mum.
You challenged him for cheating (and cheating wouldn't make him a bully anyway)

The only thing they may have a point on is noise level. One person's "playful and excitable" can easily be far too loud and utterly draining for others. We weren't there but if he was significantly louder than all the others then I could understand their frustration, even if they handled it badly

BackforGood · 01/11/2019 23:20

Well, they clearly need to go and read up on what bullying is, as they are misusing that word, but, on the information you have given, it is difficult to know how difficult he was being.
By 10, I would expect him to be able to get on with other dc for a couple of hours if there was stuff for them to do (which it sounds like there was).
You have said yourself that he was loud and excitable and that he is immature for his age. Kind of depends what he was doing / what all the dc were doing / how long you were there / how long they needed to play unsupervised / how soon you intervened / and all sorts of things. You'd need to tell us a lot more if you want people to be helpful.

leomama81 · 01/11/2019 23:40

Bullying isn't perhaps the right word but to be going and just taking what the other teams have collected is pretty bad behaviour tbh. I can understand the other parents being upset about it, it is essentially stealing in order to win and at the age of 10 he should really know a lot better. When you say you corrected him what does that mean? And did they make their comments directly to him, ie did they shame him in front of everyone, or was this comments to each other that you overheard?

Original poster
NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 23:42

Yes, he should know better. He was very excited and got carried away. It was said in front of the whole group of children who I was stood next too. I took him to one side and explained why it wasn't acceptable.

OP posts:
leomama81 · 01/11/2019 23:48

In that case it does sound like they were being rather harsh - I don't think it's right for adults to make those kind of comments to him in front of everyone.

You are not a rubbish mum, and it sounds like you made it clear to your son why his behaviour wasn't right. If they are good friends perhaps you should just say to them that you would prefer they spoke to you directly if there were any issues in future? I can understand why you are upset at that the way they handled it.

drinkygin · 01/11/2019 23:49

Stealing in order to win? Get a grip. Talk about dramatic.
OP you’re not a rubbish mum. Your kid isn’t perfect but I’m sure theirs aren’t either! Your friends sound like the bullies in this situation. Please don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself or your son!

leomama81 · 01/11/2019 23:51

That's lovely @drinkygin. At least I'm not posting mean insults.

JamesBlonde1 · 01/11/2019 23:53

At 10 he should know better. No need to be loud and excitable when others aren't.

They obviously don't like his behaviour. Would you if the shoe was on the other foot?

What's going to happen to make sure he doesn't act like that again?

leomama81 · 01/11/2019 23:53

We're not talking about toddlers here and if that was a game being played say at school that is exactly the view they would take. But in any case I've said I think the OP handled it correctly and that they were being unfair - having asked actual questions to discover more rather than just lashing out.

Perhaps you should put down the gin for a bit eh?

Preggosaurus9 · 01/11/2019 23:54

Maybe your approach of "explaining why it isn't acceptable" isn't working. Maybe you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks. Tone, facial expression. You don't have long left until he's a teenager with hormone surges who's bigger and stronger than you. Have a read of the teen parenting threads on here to get a sense of what you might be in for.

Your friends are probably sick of your failure to set firm boundaries for him and his subsequent bad behaviour.

The average 3 year old knows that taking from another child is wrong. You're not doing him any favours by being a soft touch.

Whoops75 · 02/11/2019 00:00

Way OTT calling him a bully.
An adult wrongly calling a child a bully is more bullying behavior imo
Is he much older than the group?
Was it just one parent giving out?

I would call her on it and ask since when is it ok to criticize a child or do the head tilt and say ‘what’s going here ’ ?

This would upset me too but I would try to resolve it rather than exclude at the moment.

Definitely not a rubbish mom x

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