Feels like friends don't like my son

[NoPhoneFamilyTime4]

Son is 10. Met up my friends today who seemed very short with him, called him a bully for cheating in a game. They made comments on how loud he was, little comments to each other about him. It made me feel he wasn't fitting into the group of their children well enough. Feeling a bit rubbish like he isn't good enough for them anymore. ☹️

OMG some of the comments. There are some nasty, little judgemental mums on this site. Nothing wrong with a 10 year old getting a bit excitable FFS get a life

Not necessarily. But it's no good telling her she's doing a great job of she isn't. Maybe she is, we don't know. We are asking her to reflect honestly.

As is so often said, we only have one side of the story! I’m sure that your “friends” would have a different perception of this, but we don’t know what that is, so can only go on what you say.

I can see why you are feeling pretty s**t as, by some of what has been said, it could seem like your “friends” are being plain nasty! However, do you normally correct his behaviour? I can’t see your friends being like this without there being an issue over your son’s behaviour? Perhaps your “friends” have discussed him and had enough of his bad behaviour. Maybe they don’t want to confront you, so decided that they would just not put up with it any more. He does sound a bit immature and boisterous. Cheating at his age is a no no. It is always difficult when there is a varied age range so has he been too boisterous with younger children?

Is there one mum you are closer to, that you could speak to? If they think he is a bully (not just for cheating) you need to address it. It is all very well a pp saying bin these friends, but if the issue of is not dealt with you would probably have difficulty in any group!

He sounds immature and annoying

The first question is have your friends done / said anything like this before?

FuntimeFranky
One person's excitable can easily be another person's inappropriately loud and disruptive. Most of us have been in situations where a child has been loud/disruptive etc and the parent has (to steal from another poster) gone for "darling we use gentle hands because if we use rough hands someone might get hurt" as their child is grabbing others.

None of us were there, so none of us can say either way.

All we can do is say we only have one side and suggest some reflection.

There's some interesting stuff out there on how the same behaviours from boys and girls are viewed differently, with loud/boisterous/rough/overly competitive behaviour being frequently normalised as 'boys being boys'.

I agree with the comments that we really can't say without having been there.

On the face of it, cheating in a game isn't bullying, but it certainly could be bullying if part of a wider picture.
And the fact they were making comments throughout implies there is a bigger picture here.

Now it could be that all the children are younger and quieter and so he stands out, but in a group of older children he wouldn't.
In some ways, and this may be an unpopular view, cheating at a game when he's the oldest, looks worse than cheating when he's one of the crowd.

OP: The only way you can find out is ask a member of the group to be totally honest with you. Say how embarrassed you are that he cheated, but that you were worried about the bully comment. Do they feel he's being a bit bullying to the younger ones?
You will find with a friend that they may not be prepared to be totally honest, so do look at it with a school report head on. Saying "well he is a bit rough" probably means that they're finding him a lot rough.
However they might go completely off on one, so do be prepared for that.

Can't see how this comment would come out do the blue. It's probably been brewing a long time and just spilled over. Maybe take a step back and look at how other children interact with each other, and see where your son fits in on the spectrum of 'typical' behaviour.

Also, as the children are older, it could be that they are voicing to their parents the way they feel about your son when they play together.

Try not to get defensive, take a break for a while and see if there's anything that you see that could do with improving. If you honestly think your child is typical and behaving like any other would, then maybe find him some friends more like him. If he isn't, do try to work on his interpersonal skills, as it only gets tougher as they get older

My so called friends were like this. Take it from me, they are sagging him and you off behind your back, no doubt in another WhatsApp group. People like this are absolute c##ts.

As others have said it's really hard to tell without having been there, but... Try looking at it objectively. If another child had done exactly what your son did, would you still feel the same? For adults with children of a similar age, I think it's odd that they would use the word "bullying" without reason. When your son was cheating and taking the other kids' stuff, did he push any of them, even by accident, that could be conceived as bullying behaviour?

I say this because I have a really lovely friend, her son is the same age as my daughter, and they are also 10. He's a horror, he cheats, he lies, he is a bully in every sense of the word, verbally and physically. Then, if he still can't get his own way, he cries... His mum just doesn't see it and is very dismissive, as in "oh, he's just being a silly boy! What can you do?!". When she does occasionally tell him off, it is so namby-pamby that I don't think he even realises he is being chastised! I've tried to gently bring it up but the mum gets very defensive. My poor daughter has asked not to go round there anymore so I only see the mum, who, in every other way is just fab, during school hours, which is a shame.

Kids develop at different rates

The definition of being more grown up seems to centre around phones and x-box to keep the kids quiet.

I don't consider my dd who is the same age developmentally behind but she has neither item. I have never ever heard before that lack of a mobile phone causes developmental delay.

The parents want quiet and are probably the types who try to turn children into mini-teenagers on the pretext of them being a 'player' or 'fitting in'. When most 10 year olds that I know don't have phones 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your child didn't do anything outrageous OP I'd just quietly bin them off.

Speak to your friend about it as no one can say if this is the last straw of a long l8ne of bad behaviour/parenting lack, if said friend is unpleasant or if something else is going on.

I think swbu not to raise it with you before if this is an ongoing issue. It shouldn't have got to this point.

OP, I am afraid that the problem here is you. You are not on top of your son's behavior here. Your son WAS a cheater. He was loud and overbearing. If I were another child playing a game with a child like that, I WOULD feel bullied. Especially if I were put in the situation of being forced to play with that louder, more aggressive child by my parents in a social situation where I was supposed to be polite in front of adults. You need to take a much harder line with your son right away.

I think it’s just differences isn’t it?

Like if you came here and your son was loud that’s fine, mine are loud too when they’re all together and having fun!! And we would laugh at the ‘cheating’ I think it’s just peoples different ways of raising kids.

I wouldn’t mutter on about someone else’s kid though bloody hell thats rude ad pretty awful, I wouldn’t bother with them again

I don’t expect people to like my child. He’s 2 and wants to be a pain au chocolat so he is adorable. But still.

Yes, I corrected him for cheating in the game

I took him to one side and explained why it wasn't acceptable

I also asked him to calm down when he was too loud

You're ds is 10. He should have learned appropriate social behaviour by now. Your usual discipline methods are obviously not working. Next time, the very first time he displays unsociable behaviour, you say, "I'm telling you once. Behave yourself, play nicely or we are going home. I won't tell you again". The minute he gets too loud and overbearing you take him home.

Once you're home you tell him you are not going to lose your friends because of his behaviour and if, in future, he can't behave himself within the group you will continue to see the group of friends without him. Your ds needs to learn there are consequences for every behaviour. Your job us to carry those consequences through.

^Kids develop at different rates

The definition of being more grown up seems to centre around phones and x-box to keep the kids quiet.

I don't consider my dd who is the same age developmentally behind but she has neither item. I have never ever heard before that lack of a mobile phone causes developmental delay.

The parents want quiet and are probably the types who try to turn children into mini-teenagers on the pretext of them being a 'player' or 'fitting in'. When most 10 year olds that I know don't have phones 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your child didn't do anything outrageous OP I'd just quietly bin them off.^*
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This ⬆️⬆️⬆️ a lot of people want their kids to grow up way to quick these days with all the technology now... my little boy is 6 and about 7 of his friends play fortnite... I think they are to young but that's my opinion.
Also let the kids sort out the problems them selfs if there was a problem in the game I personally would. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some children are a lot more immature, loud than others and that's ok. We all parent differently too. I can see that what was loud and annoying to some was probably normal to others. My daughter was this OTT boisterous, vocal, dominant sort of child and it took a LOT of hard work to help her to engage better socially. Some children just naturally pick up cues whereas others (like her) were oblivious. I also learned to choose my friends carefully and promote spending time with kids who were a bit less wet and oversensitive as this was never a good combination. People on here saying he should do/know..by his age have clearly never taught. The spectrum of ability, maturity and personality is vast. I don't think you should feel bad but maybe accept he needs a bit more support to interact with others appropriately. And I tend to think real friends wouldn't approach the subject as they did.

@durgasarrow
Children are different. Some are loud, some are quiet. You must have some issues if you would feel bullied by a child cheating in a game.

Op, maybe they just aren't your people. I'd find new friends

Cheating in a game isn't being a bully. Calling a Child names is being a bully.
My child was called 'nasty' by a friend when he was 2 and wanted a toy their child had so pushed him. Kids are kids. Your friends need to grow up or you need to get nicer friends.

"Ballsdeep"--do you have reading comprehension problems?

For goodness sake, he’s 10 and he got a bit over-excited.
I’d ignore your friends horrid rude comments in your house and support your son.

In my experience it’s passive, permissive parents who use terms like “spirited” “excitable” etc. IMO the classic gentle parenting techniques of asking, explaining & negotiating are not a a good look in Public when the child is being rude or ill/behaved in comparison to the other children around him. It sounds like this group are fed up with your son’s behaviour & your reactions to it, because they are starting to jump in & have lost faith in your ability to handle situations effectively to calm your son down. You mention he isn’t into iPads or Xbox so can’t be kept calm like other kids. You said he was excited, I think you make excuses & are likely overly sensitive, so struggle to actually reprimand him or get him to actually listen & respect you when you are being serious. I believe your friends may have used the term bully & you have taken great offence - but pointing out bullying behaviours in kids is fine to me. How will they learn they are bullying unless we tell them when they are & to stop ? Funny this supposedly harsh word has stayed with the OP but she claims she did reprimand her son. I doubt it.

This reminds me of my friendship group. There's a 10 year old girl who is very rude, lies and cheats. She constantly back chats and doesn't listen when the adults gently try to correct her behaviour. The mom makes excuses for her constantly, down plays her bad behaviour and does not discipline her. The rest of us are very sick of this and so have had to be more firm and short with the girl to her to listen to us.

Agree with the other posters that your friend's comments would not have come out of nowhere. Perhaps you need to take a good hard look at how you're parenting your child and your child's actual behaviour.

You are not a rubbish mum at all. Honestly I stopped hanging around with a friend because she was letting her 2 year old attack my newborn. Far too rough.

My daughter is now 4 and won't share and says horrible things when she's tired. She can be extremely shy and she doesn't cope well with me touching or helping other kids.

The point I'm making is all kids have different personalities and we can't force them to play with our mates kids if it doesn't work out. I let my daughter do her mingling at school and keep playdates to the minimum due to how stressful I always find it. I've found myself comparing her to others alot. Just because your son was abit over excited doesn't mean he's a bad child. Hitting, biting, pushing, being constantly bossy and not sharing are the main bad things that need reminders from parents. One day your friends kids will be naughty, loud or grumpy at a get together. It's normal. Just ask them was 'riley' annoying you on Sunday? Or was you just messing?
Tbh if the kids dont play nicely then maybe don't bother getting together with the kids. Kids have definitely affected my social circle.