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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feels like friends don't like my son

83 replies

NoPhoneFamilyTime4 · 01/11/2019 22:27

Son is 10. Met up my friends today who seemed very short with him, called him a bully for cheating in a game. They made comments on how loud he was, little comments to each other about him. It made me feel he wasn't fitting into the group of their children well enough. Feeling a bit rubbish like he isn't good enough for them anymore. ☹️

OP posts:
Bellasblankexpression · 02/11/2019 00:19

Was this a one off OP or he is always loud/excitable around them and getting a bit competitive?

Teachermaths · 02/11/2019 07:24

The cheating sounds like poor behaviour from a 10yo. Explaining to him isn't working, get some proper consequences.

It sounds a bit like your friends are getting a bit fed up with your parenting style and are (badly) trying to intervene.

We only have the OPs version of events. It would be interesting to see the friends pov.

FrancisCrawford · 02/11/2019 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/11/2019 07:36

Even if your son was behaving badly the way they handled the situation was wrong. Chloemons text sounds right to me

sniffingthewax · 02/11/2019 07:46

If they are usually nice I would be inclined to wonder if your son's behaviour (and your lack of management) has been a persistent issue over time and they have lost the rag a bit? The cheating to win the game is silly behaviour, but certainly not bullying but I'd be interested to know how you handled that? We have a friend who's daughter is 'a highly sensitive child' (her dm's diagnosis Hmm) and her behaviour often warrants her getting her way in all situations which has resulted in all the other children really disliking her. Her mother cannot see the wood for the trees and makes all sorts of bizarre excuses for her instead of facing up to the issues.

Dollymixture22 · 02/11/2019 08:16

I dislike my friends daughter. She is a bully and has been very nasty to much younger children. She is loud and has to be the centre of attention at all times.

But she is eleven and I am an adult so I keep My feelings to myself and treat her exactly the same as the other children.

HugoSpritz · 02/11/2019 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/11/2019 08:25

I do think it must be an ongoing thing and they got to the end of their tether if they have gotten together as a group to address it.

Or the alternative is that the group 'leader' has taken against the OP/ her son and the others are following suit. Adults also behave badly - we had a nutcase mother when dd was in infant school who tried to make life very difficult for my daughter at school. Thankfully she flounced off to a different school when she realised that others saw through her. But she made life pretty bloody unpleasant for a year.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/11/2019 08:26

An adult wrongly calling a child a bully is more bullying behavior imo

^^this absolutely

reefedsail · 02/11/2019 08:31

I agree that it sounds a bit like your friends have discussed this and decided that at future meet-ups they wouldn't put up with your DS's behaviours any more.

It also sounds like you can actually see that he isn't fitting naturally into that group of children.

Could you put in a plan to make the next meet up more positive? You could take your DS for some extensive exercise before the meet up, then only go for an hour during which you keep him alongside you, or vice versa.

If you are very keen for him to fit into that group of children maybe break it down into some 1:1 'play dates' and encourage your DS to take a bit of interest in whatever they are into, then build it back up to the whole group.

golightlycat · 02/11/2019 08:32

We had an incident at a friend's party when one of the boys got very OTT and was teasing the girls. It got a bit physical. His mum did nothing. Maybe had a gentle word. My DD is a bit of a DQ so we tend to take things with a pinch of salt, but all the girls got upset. In the end it was getting out of hand so I used my mum voice. And didn't address him directly but just said, "this has to stop now". Personally I think he should have been taken home.

Sometimes you need to show you are taking action. It doesn't matter how lovely your kid is normally, but if my DD gets overexcited and plays up I remove her from the room and give her a warning.

Hoppinggreen · 02/11/2019 08:37

None of us were there so we don’t know if your DS behaviour was ott but I have a 10 year old boy and if he cheated in a game like that I wouldn’t have needed to “explain why it was wrong”, he would have got a telling off and been made to apologise.
Are you one of those parents saying “gentle hands” while your child punches someone? we used to have one of those in our mum friendship group and it drove the rest of us mad

Teateaandmoretea · 02/11/2019 08:38

If you are very keen for him to fit into that group of children maybe break it down into some 1:1 'play dates' and encourage your DS to take a bit of interest in whatever they are into, then build it back up to the whole group.

I'd bin them off and find some different people personally that ds has more in common with. Get ds interested In phones and xbox 🤦🏻‍♀️

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 08:43

So an adult friend told your DS off, in front of everyone, for cheating and used the term bullying about his behaviour?

What “little comments” were made between the adults? Seems odd that they would do this in your hearing rather than tell you directly that they didn’t like his behaviour.

Being “mature” has nothing to do with liking or not liking phones!

CombineBananaFister · 02/11/2019 08:50

Oh dear, the minefield of parent friendships and different parenting styles 😬
I don't think calling him a bully is ok at all but there are so many things that could be at play here. Do you think you have more relaxed discipline boundaries than your friends and they are becoming mores outspoken about it? That can be a bone of contention over time if it's persistent and constantly impacts the other children if they adhere to the rules better?
Everyone's child has personality flaws, no issue there, they're human but it seems like your son might not being made to address his actions adequately in their eyes and its causing resentment.
Or it could be they are unpleasant and have unrealistic expections of children not to make any noise. I've seen both situations in my friendship group. Don't feel like a shit mum though, we all do things differently. Maybe explain how you feel and ask?

MollyButton · 02/11/2019 08:59

Actually your "friends" sound like the bullies.
Yes he misbehaved, but you were dealing with it - and bullying is an ongoing pattern of behaviour not a one off.
These people don't like your son - so probably aren't worth meeting up with.

How is his behaviour in school? At groups outside school? On play dates?
That will tell you if you have a real problem.

Lulualla · 02/11/2019 09:11

Does he often behave badly when in the group? Is his behaviour often out of step with that of the other children?

Do you wet consequences when he behaves badly? Or just "explain why it isn't acceptable"?

Maybe they're getting a bit fed up with toddler style behaviour from a 10 year old, and your lack of action when it happens.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 02/11/2019 09:15

I wouldn't call a child a bully to their face, but I agree with other posters that it might well be the case that this has been a pattern of behaviour that they've had enough of.

It's horribly hard, I know, but would you be able to sit down with a cup of tea and ask one of them, non-defensively?

Itsme19822 · 02/11/2019 09:16

I don't think that's terrible behaviour from your child. Your friends have children, they know what kids are like, they should've ignored it let you deal with it and moved on.
If your son was rude to them or hit another child or something in a bad way then I'd expect a big hoohar from your friends and the kids but.. Kids are kids. If anything your friends are the badly behaved ones!
My friend has a horrific bratt of a child, aged 7, and when I visit she says loudly 'u didn't bring me any gifts', 'why are you here?', 'how long are you staying?' or pretends she doesn't remember me while eyeballing my friend to make me leave and my friend NEVER tells the bratt about her behaviour. I haven't seen them in about 4 months and I'm not planning to again!

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 02/11/2019 09:16

I'd scale back on meeting these people as it is not working. Kids develop at different rates and there will good patches and difficult patches.

I wouldn't send a text - that will escalate it. Just leave it. It'll be forgotten in no time. You are dealing with his behaviour. He knows you've got his back. You are doing the right thing. Don't worry - just see other groups with whom your son doesn't feel under pressure, (maybe he felt he was having to compete and was trying to fight back in his own way against being made to feel small?).

MsJuniper · 02/11/2019 09:31

Are you closer to one of the friends in the group? It might be easier to talk about your concerns with just one of them. You could always say you've noticed your son hasn't developed the interests and impulse control you might expect at this age and say you thought from the comments he received that maybe others had noticed the same. It might enable an honest conversation which leads you to help your son in these areas.

Teachermaths · 02/11/2019 09:40

You are dealing with his behaviour.

Is the OP dealing with his behaviour or just "explaining" why he is wrong. Perhaps the friends have had enough of wishy washy parenting.

squee123 · 02/11/2019 09:43

going agaisnt the grain a bit here... But assuming no backstory and these people are good friends who you share values with and who care about you it seems odd that they would all suddenly start to unresonably pick on your child on thesame day. Seems much more likely to me that there are bigger issues than you are recognisingand thesame day and they've had enough. Rather than being offended I would pick whoever you are closest to and ask them for honext and open feedback as to whether they think there are issues that need addressing.

We all see kids who behave badly and I imagine the majority of their parents think there is no issue with their child. They can't all be right.

Oblomov19 · 02/11/2019 09:51

Tricky. Agree with Sqee, maybe talk to one parent, who you are closest to?

katewhinesalot · 02/11/2019 09:59

Yes, talk to a closer friend. Ask them if they think you are dealing with the obvious issues firmly enough.