Feels like friends don't like my son

[NoPhoneFamilyTime4]

Son is 10. Met up my friends today who seemed very short with him, called him a bully for cheating in a game. They made comments on how loud he was, little comments to each other about him. It made me feel he wasn't fitting into the group of their children well enough. Feeling a bit rubbish like he isn't good enough for them anymore. ☹️

Avoiding the situations allthecakes isn't going to help. Why not help her to address these issues at play dates? It'll help her at school too, where presumably the same issues happen.

I agree Kate.
Only in school if there's any issues at any point between now and 16, it'll not be their fault either. It'll be a peer sat nearby, the fact there's a window, they weren't being disruptive because they're just spirited, they weren't being silly in class because they're just a little excitable. They didn't mean to push and shove or play fight, they're just a bit boisterous and maybe schools should spend more time catering to boisterous boys (because it's inevitable that they learn to be loud and physical due to their genitals).

We see it at secondary, where the class clown is now suddenly the victim at secondary because other students think they're acting like an idiot and don't want to be involved. Then we get calls from clown's parents wanting to know why we aren't insisting that other students include their DC. They can't get their head around the fact that their peers find their conduct annoying in class and have no desire to socialise with someone who behaves in that way.

School funding would be in a better place if we have a quid for every time unpleasant or disruptive behaviour was excused or minimised as "boys being boys", "being excitable", "a bit chatty" etc.

Yes, I corrected him for cheating in the game

I took him to one side and explained why it wasn't acceptable

I also asked him to calm down when he was too loud

If you took him aside how are the other children and their parents supposed to know you corrected his behaviour? Why not correct his behaviour in stern tones that make it clear to him and everyone else that his behaviour is out of order in front of all? Why 'ask' him to calm down instead of 'tell' him to calm down and that if he doesn't you are leaving and making sure you do leave if he doesn't desist? Did he apologise for cheating? What was his punishment? What you have said does not make it clear that there was any consequence for his bad behaviour. How are other parents supposed to know you are dealing with it? They aren't psychic.

Why not correct his behaviour in stern tones that make it clear to him and everyone else that his behaviour is out of order in front of all?

😂🤷🏻‍♀️🙄.

Yeah just use a 'stern' voice that will make all the difference I'm sure.

The bullying comment was nasty, passive-aggressive and in no way related to the crime of cheating in a game. Be stern and they will suddenly become nice people - I doubt it....

A stern voice isn't the be all and end all,but the language the OP uses when telling us about it on here gives a fairly strong impression of someone who doesn't effectively challenge inappropriate behaviour and it's not hard to imagine friends getting fed up.

There shouldn't be any "asking" a child to calm down when getting too loud. If they're being too loud for the situation then tell them they need to be quiet/settle down/behave appropriately.

A 10 year old who has chosen to cheat doesn't need taking off for a pep talk about why it's wrong to cheat. They know they're cheating and they've cheated to win. They need to be told that it's not appropriate behaviour and eventually other kids will get fed up of playing with someone who cheats.

There's no need to be unpleasant about it, but they're a 10 year old child who needs an adult to tell them how to behave and what's expected, before they get to secondary and find (as we see every year) that eventually many pre teens and teens lose patience and don't want to hang around with someone who behaves like that.

The term bully/ bullied implies that the behaviour is persistent/ repeated and targeted towards more a vulnerable (smaller, younger or with additional needs) child or children.

If you are honest, you will know whether the cheating in the game was the last in a series of incidents, possibly over several occasions, so the term bully is used accurately, if your friend was using a word with strong connotations to try to get you to react to your child's behaviour On that occasion, or if the friend just doesn't understand what bullying means and is being unfair and over-dramatic.

If she is a good friend, I would ask her for her honest perception of your child's behaviour so you can what it looks like to other people and start to tackle it. If you really don't know how to deal with his behaviour, or the friend won't tell you honestly, make an appointment at school and ask for their advice.

If she is not a good friend, and you truly believe she was being over-dramatic and unkind to your child, then it's time to rethink the friendship. She'll probably thank you for it.

They need to be told that it's not appropriate behaviour and eventually other kids will get fed up of playing with someone who cheats.

Well quite but an adult name-calling the child a bully has absolutely nothing to do with cheating in a game. Cheating is silly, immature behaviour that ruins a game (and all children do it at some time). Bullying is going out of your way to target someone over a period of time to be nasty, hmm seems to fit much better with the adult behaviour than the child's in this case.

But as other posters have said, none of us strangers online can say whether the friend was being overdramatic using the word bully, or whether this is the final incident in a range of cheating / "just being excitable" / "just a bit loud" behaviour.

Even by your own definition of going out your way over time to be nasty to someone doesn't match the adult behaviour.

Some people can be unpleasant.
Some parents can make endless excuses for ineffective boundaries and poor behaviour.

Only the OP through reflection can consider which this is.