Dh wants to buy a holiday home. AIBU to think it's an awful idea?

[flametrees]

Dh wants to buy a holiday home in a location we visit every year. At least once with kids and once alone.
We also visit other places though.
I cannot see any advantages to owning a holiday home there. Property is expensive for what you get.
We will have maintenance costs. The worry that it will be broken into when we are not there etc
Plus I think he will never want to visit anywhere else if he buys a holiday home there. While I enjoy the location it isn't somewhere I want to limit my entire future holidays to.

AIBU to think buying a holiday home is a really bad idea?

Sorry. Missed a full stop after ‘place’.

If he dies but it will he refuse to go anywhere else?. Your relationship does sound very one sided. Are you actually happy with him?

Why can't you just tell him what you have said here? 'I do not want to spend time in Spain with just the kids, I do not want to go there every holiday, I do not want to retire there and I would hate it'. That's clear enough surely?

You'll never have a holiday again, just the same shit in a different place.

Yanbu, on grounds of morality as much as anything else... it will almost certainly be in an area where local people can't afford to buy a house due to inflated property prices caused by holiday home/holiday let buyers.

We bought our holiday home nearly 11 years ago. Now it's worthless. We got broken into and they took everything. This is despite security. We can't stay in it now, it will cost more than the house is worth to fix, new bathroom (taken) kitchen ( taken) furniture, redecorate and replace all furniture. They even took my toothbrush.
This was to be our retirement. So we have a lovely house rotting. No body is buying.
Don't do it. ( sorry sour grapes)

I sympathise OP, we go to Italy a lot and every time we do dh then starts sending me Tuscan villas that are cheap fir a reason - ie middle of nowhere and woukd eat money in maintainence as they're so old.

I'm not adverse to having a holiday home at some point but I don't think I've found my happy place yet of where I'd want it to be.

I think the discussion needs to start with whether you'd want a holiday home anywhere, or just not that location or not anywhere because you want to travel.

If it's the former then I think you both need to draw up criteria on what that location has to have, and what's a deal breaker versus nice to have.

If it's the latter, then I think you need to have a wider discussion about what you do with that money. Yes you might be able to afford a holiday home but everything is opportunity cost, ie you could use the money for paying the mortgage off or kids education etc.

As a pp said you bee a discussion about both your visions for the future to try and reach a compromise.

Yanbu. Plus he can't just decide unilaterally what to do with family money ("his" money??).

My DPs have a place in Spain, it's a complete pain in the bum and "holidays" are spent doing a lot of maintenance & admin stuff, to the point where my DM generally doesn't want to go and would rather the opportunity to see some new places but my DF wants to always only go there, to make the most of the investment or what have you.

The kids will get bored of going there soon enough, believe me, and as teenagers/older will likely not want to go with you so it'll just be you and DH going.

As pp said, there are tricky inheritance tax issues (which I am dreading myself and hope the parents get rid of their place) and it would also seem stupid to be buying a place in Europe now with Brexit.

Also you're probably not going to want to spend the height of summer there, too hot, and the kids surely will want to see their friends over the summer?

Your relationship sounds very unequal - if you've said no, that should be it! He can't and shouldn't want to just ship you all off for 6 weeks of the year.

It’s family money not his money. Put your foot down and if he shakes up tricky, LTB.

So you would be stuck there every school holiday by the sounds of it, you can say no though to going there apart from annual holiday even if he does buy it, you don't have to go

I'd love a holiday home, but everyone is different, if it's not for you then you need to find a compromise.

Could you afford the home and another holiday elsewhere every year, or every other year?

Could you time share the holiday home with someone else?

Is there somewhere else you could like to buy a holiday home?

Or, if you are 100% dead set against it you are well within your rights to say no and not entertain the idea any more.

The tricky bit is that you and your OH have such different views.

M’y parents have a holiday home in France. It has been fantastic for us as a family. It has a pool, plenty of space etc and since DH and I both work in schools, we’ve spent two months there every summer for the last 10 years with our two boys. Plus we often nip down out of season just for a change of scene. However, I personally would not have chosen either the location or the house itself, and I am feeling increasingly frustrated at being buried in the boring arse end of nowhere every summer. It makes it very difficult to justify a different, expensive, holiday elsewhere though.

My parents have been perfectly happy to just go there. They aren’t interested in travelling elsewhere, they have no interest in being tourists. They are perfectly happy with “same shit, different view” tbh. They wear old clothes, read, potter in the garden, do some diy / maintenance, watch tv, drink too much wine etc just as they would at home - with the added benefit of a swimming pool and sunshine 12 weeks of the year (they are retired).

So I’d have to say, on balance, that YANBU. If you want to travel elsewhere, if you want variety, if you can afford different holidays, if you’ve only got a coupe of weeks a year: don’t do it.

Maybe when you are older / retired the idea of going to the same place for longer might appeal more? 2nd home rather than holiday home?

Been there and done it . Yes it seems a great idea but you do get fed up going to the same place over and over and yes an "obligation" to go there starts to build up . Can be costly with taxes, utilities etc . Can rent out but then it's not really "your home". What I don't like the sound of is "his money" and hm wanting you there all summer.

Mmmm, my friend bought one when the development was new and it seemed a great idea. The DC were small and she used to go for weeks at a time in the summer. Went every year for five years and rented close by. It was a good cheap holiday when the DC were small. For us.

For them, the development grew tired, as the PP said, became unkempt as people were away lots of the time, maybe some people didn’t keep up with their community charges for the pool and shared areas. There was bugger all for teens to do and it lost its appeal.

She rented to friends but also had the expense of managing the cleaning and fitting it out with decent bedding, crockery, white goods etc

Took her absolutely ages and ages to sell it. The same apartments on the complex now are going for peanuts at a loss.

Above everything else, does it make financial sense?

I think if you will use it a lot and crucially it's not far away it's a good idea. My parents bought a little flat in the Lake District. It's only an hour and a half from out home town.

Either them, me or my sister is there most of the time. They are retired now so spend lots of time there and I work three long days a week so spend at at least one night a week there.

They have had it for 20 years and it's been such an asset to our family.

Can you say that it's a good idea BUT you wan't to visit a few other places first before settling on this one. So for a few years can go to other 'possibilities' until the idea fades. Of what about building a hobbies shed in the garden that you can both use for your craftwork or whatever. That would be cheaper but still give him a home from home.

Why is the dynamic such that you get no say OP? If you don't even like it there why are you resigning yourself to potentially retiring there and spending every summer there . You don't have to do that at all. Do you share finances? If so (unless you are very wealthy) that is a huge dent in family money which would be unreasonable.

You need to tell him you don't even like it there and won't be retiring there. Clearly you have very different ideas of what life looks like that will have to be dealt with at some point or your life will be all but over by the time you do.

I would be making it clear that I do not see myself retiring there and won't be maintaining a property every summer that I do not want so he can have the use of it and have his kids there.

Oh I love a holiday home thread! What part of Spain is it OP? My Mum's sister has a holiday home in Spain, it is a villa in a complex in a fairly remote area, all British expats, many of whom live there full time. DM goes every summer under some strange obligation and she hates it now, nothing to see or do anymore. The upkeep is a smalll fortune, the have to pay a cleaner, gardener, pool man etc etc.

I think the familiarity of a HH is probably great when you have small dc, but I agree that they will get bored when they are teens and want something different.

We did it ( Spain). No renting out, just lending to close family. Dh and bil are good at DIY so while some upkeep is annoying, it's been ok. Location is very important. Ours is a lock up and leave apartment, it feels secure.
We used to just go in school holidays, now we're retired we go outside of school holidays. Plus we still go other places too, UK and abroad.
It's like getting a dog or horse - it's a commitment, time and money and you have to know you're going to feel rewarded by that, not tied down or constrained by it.

It's a terrible idea. We are currently selling late MIL's house (which happens to be ours). Not being there to sort out repairs and other irritations is a PITA. It is in a lovely part of the country, but is just a millstone round our necks. It is far, far less stressful and cheaper to just book somewhere to stay rather than own another property.

Yanbu. Have you been totally honest with your dh and told him you don't like the area that much, you don't want to holiday more there and you want to visit other places? If you've just hinted and he keeps texting, I'd send him that.

Surprised no one has brought Brexit up yet - unless you're very wealthy, you may not be able to retire to Spain if there is a hard Brexit (Johnson's deal being approved does not exclude this). You would also need full cover travel insurance and so on as EHIC cards no longer would be available. Before it is clear exactly what the implications are, you would be a fool to buy a property in an EU country as you don't even know what the VISA requirements for spending extended periods of time in that country would be.

I would refuse to consider until the details are clear, and spend that time considering why you feel you don't get a say.

We bought a flat on the UK coast about 2-3 hours easy drive from home about eight years ago and it’s my happy place. We love it. I had no intention of buying one abroad .....I was trying to avoid all the airport hassle, not get even more of it! We wanted to be able to decide on a whim to go down to the flat and be there quickly. Like PPs I love having all our stuff there....and not having to think about how and what to pack especially when the DC we’re younger. But it doesn’t mean we don’t travel to other places and have different kinds of trips too. Some friends and family thought we were mad. “But the weather’s rubbish” they cried etc etc. I was flamed on here when I posted a very long time ago for advice etc, because apparently I was pricing the locals out of the market. (In reality I don’t know anyone else locally who is a second home owner and the flat had been empty for over a year) But we went ahead, bought the flat, and it’s the source of much joy in the family now and they all clamour to visit, even the nay sayers. However, both DH and I were on board with the idea and wanted to be in the UK and agreed over the expenditure. I think if OP likes very different types of trip to her DH it might not work. I’m with lilyflower1 above on all her points. We’re lucky as there less maintenance on a flat, and we have a lovely local key holder who can help out with letting contractors in etc. I actually enjoy the housekeeping side of it all but can’t imagine doing this so easily with a property abroad.

Many years ago my husband stayed in a cabin in this town he visited for work. He was utterly determined to buy one as a holiday home. I wasn’t keen as we didn’t have spare money and there isn’t much for kids to do in that town. Next time he stayed there there was a man in the next cabin who was snoring really really loudly. I don’t think husband got much sleep. After that, he never mentioned the cabin again.