AIBU. Please be honest and not unnecessarily brutal

[Namechangeperquesta]

Will try to be brief. Married to an older man for a decade now and he has a son from his first marriage. We've built a comfortable life together (married IN community of property, not sure if its named the same in other countries). Sadly my husbands health is not great and while i think he'll be just fine with the right medical care, he's all doom and gloom and talking of dying :( we've been in the process of doing nice little modern upgades and renovations to our homes but we've put it on hold. Im reluctant to spend anymore money because i only recently ( silly me) found out that in the event he passes on and doesn't have a will i MUST part with half (or some) of our properties as his half will then go to his son. AIBU? Ive put love, care, my heart and soul into our homes, not to mention half of MY MONEY, only to part with my homes one day. How does it work in the UK?

Of course his son should get a quarter... considering you're likely to leave the other 3/4 to your joint child.

It's not forking out it's giving his son his inheritance

Ive put love, care, my heart and soul into our homes, not to mention half of MY MONEY, only to part with my homes one day.

Right, so you’ve put up HALF of the money, presumably your DH put up the other half so why do think you think his son shouldn’t be entitled to anything? 1/2 his father’s estate - so a 1/4 share of everything - is perfectly fair. You’ll be be left with 3/4 having only paid 1/2, which you can then leave to your joint son.

Also hubby doesn't like the thought of drawing up a will. Very superstitious.

I call bollocks on this, I think your DH suspects (probably correctly) that you’ll completely cut his son out hence his reluctance to leave you everything.

I think that his son should be sorted out when his dad dies, not when you die. You could remarry and rewrite your will, leaving his son out.

I would see a solicitor, tbh, and see what the law says over there if he dies intestate.

NoSquirrels what do you mean why didn't i sort it out? Sorry if i sound silly again but do people discuss this before getting married?

Well - yes! You married a man older than you, therefore more likely to die before you. You married a man who already had children. You already had children as you mention a DS (unless that’s a child of your marriage to DH?) So it’s reasonable to think ... hmm, what implications does that have in the future?

Everyone dies! That part can’t be a surprise. It’s only sensible to sort out the practicalities beforehand.

You’re talking about owning multiple properties and his son getting no inheritance at all from his father. Is that right?

Do you think that is right?

His son should inherit something from his father if it will not leave you impoverished (& doesn’t sound like it would).

You and your DH need to sort affairs so it’s clear, simple and fair.

Surely you’d automatically get everything if he hasn’t made a will? This happened to my friend- her Rich dad died Without a will and his wife of a few years fought tooth and nail to keep all of it and won.

@Karwomannghia no not in Africa. I've sort legal advice and should DH then his entire half is divided amongts our children, unless he draws up a will and leave his half of one of our 2 properties to me. I've tried again and he doesn't want to draw up a will. After a happy marriage i can't believe its come to this. And im not a bitchy stepmom. As i said, i get on very well with my SS. but his father and i have helped him to get to the wealthy position his in now ( including financing his first home with OUR money). He now has 3 homes, does very well for himself and has married into wealth as well. Not that its relevant what his wife has. I won't be destitute. But im now looking at MY HOME in a different light , i.e i might have to part with it not too long from now so yes, im a bit bitter OK. WE've halted the upgrades that have been started but i WILL NOT be pouring anymore money in.

And not so simple to just divorce him. He's older and sickly and nobody else from his side in this country so what a bitch i would be to drop him

The irony is that his parents didn't do wills either (superstitious) and left them battling. He didn't learn from this and i feel so stupid right now : (

You need to sell a property then as his son should get a quarter. Secure your family home so you don't have to move to give that quarter.

However it should be given. If your husband doesn't want to make a will, it is selfish as it often costs more to sort out without a will, however you know his wishes. So you should not have too much trouble sorting it out, in the event if his death.

Yabu and selfish and greedy if his son did not get a quarter.

I'm confused!
Your DH has a 35yr old son, you've been together 12 years and you also have a son together? So your DH actually has 2 sons. In your country (SA), if he dies without a will, half his estate is shared between his sons, half to you.
The wealth of his first son is completely irrelevant.
Between you you have 2 properties. So when he dies, sell one of the properties to give your stepson his quarter share.
Regarding spending money on the current home, you're cutting your nose off to spite your face. Say you spend £10000 on upgrades. You pay half, £5000, and when your DH dies his eldest sons portion will be £2500, so you're not losing out on anything! That's if the upgrades actually increase the value of the property anyway. You benefit from a nicer home.
I guess that your DH would only make a will that stipulated the same, i.e. 1/4 share to each son, half to you.

It would be interesting to know how much you brought to the marriage 12 years ago, and how much he did. My guess is you'll come out much better off that if you hadn't married him in the end.

Sorry, I didn’t take it in about the country. I think his reluctance to write a will is his way of saying he’s happy with the outcome you’ve described.
How does it work if a mother/wife Of money dies? What if you had made all this money yourself?

Why don't you both make wills together? He might be more amenable if it were a joint exercise. Tell him your only other alternative is divorce, on the basis that that way your assets will be divided between you while he is living. The choice is his.

Tell him your only other alternative is divorce, on the basis that that way your assets will be divided between you while he is living. The choice is his.

So basically she’s going to tell him to disinherit his son or she’ll divorce him? Yeah that’s going to go well, especially if he’s stalling because he thinks she’ll cut his son out completely. Also it makes zero sense, if she’s willing to divide assets in a divorce, why not just divide assets when he dies & give his DS a quarter? The way things stand, OP will get 3/4 of the estate when he dies. Considering he’s older and sickly she’s not going to come out with more than that in a divorce.

The irony is that OP expects her DH & SS to trust her to do the right thing when she passes yet the OP is not willing to trust the SS to do the right thing despite the fact they have good relationship & he’s wealthy anyway - funny that.

And not so simple to just divorce him. He's older and sickly and nobody else from his side in this country so what a bitch i would be to drop him

So you don’t want to divorce him because you’ll look like a bitch, not because you love him or anything?

@Soontobe60 The OP is not in S Africa. She's not said where she is. People have guessed, various countries, but she's not said.

@Namechangeperquesta You';ve not said how much an age gap there is with you and your husband but presumably it's pretty big if you have a joint 12 yr old and DH has a 35 yr old son . So it was always likely your husband would pre-decease you.

Have you not planned for this together?
Do you work now? How will your support yourself? Does the country you live in have a state pension system and does your DH have a company pension you will benefit from? These are just as important as his assets.

I don't understand how legally it works where you live but if his eldest son stands to inherit 50% of his father's estate, that is 25% of the total (if you and your DH jointly own the houses.)

As others have suggested, this might mean you sell one of your two homes to give him his 25%.

Even if your DH has a Will leaving it all to you, his son could contest it. In the UK it's considered unfair ( not illegal) for children from a first marriage not to benefit at all when their parent dies (and their assets go solely to the 2nd wife.)

But whatever happens you need to support yourself and your son. How will you do that? Have you savings, pensions, a job?

Get legal advice. Tell him you must make a will. I live in a country where you cannot disinherit your kids and upon his death, his half would automatically go to his children UNLESS you drew up a will to state that could only happen after both of your deaths.

The reason why he hasn't done a will is because he says his son is not greedy,

This is irrelevant. You don't make a will because you think your relatives are greedy. You make a will to save your relatives the stress of dealing with a complex and maybe unexpected legal situation at the point when they are also grieving. It does not have to be complicated and if he wants, he can simply state that you and his son each get half.

Also, no, this isn't how it works in the UK.

And I do still think you should be investing in the home where you live. Other properties, maybe not. But your husband may live for much longer, and even if he doesn't you'll still need to live somewhere and it may be that you retain that home. I'd want it to be as nice as possible for all of that time.

@JinglingHellsBells op said We're in South Africa. His son is in Italy

As I understand the page on South African law I googled previously, when married in community of property, all your assets are considered joint. So, if you have 100,000 to spend on improvements, and assuming for simplicity it will add exactly that amount of value to the property, it won't make any difference whether or not you put it into the house, as both your bank account and the house are part of joint assets to be divided up on death. The only way you can prevent his other son getting a quarter of the money in your bank account is to burn it, or give it away, or spend it on something that leaves you with nothing to show for it.

I do think you are unreasonable not to want his other son to have a quarter of joint assets. (Unless you've contributed considerably more than half the assets. For example, if you husband had nothing and all money in the marriage came from your side, then the son would be getting a quarter of your money, and I would be more sympathetic.)

TBH, I'd assume most spending on home improvements add less value than the money they cost, so you'd probably be better off making improvements now than leaving the money in your bank account.

I think that, regardless of the division of the assets, making a will is essential for both OP and her DH. Even if there was not the age difference and a son from a previous marriage, there is a young child to think of and arrangements should be laid down in a will for his upbringing and care should both parents die together, for instance in a road accident. Which brings me to the other point - death may not be because the DH's health is poor - it could happen in all sorts of ways at any time.

@Anotherlongdrive sorry- I saw a post from her earlier today where she said 'no not in Africa' so assumed she meant the location rather than 'it doesn't happen in Africa...'

So are you saying you don't want his son to get a 1/4 of his fathers estate?

Why not? why shouldn't his son get his inheritance? because it *
means I'll have to fork out money or sell our smaller investment property.* Well my heart bleeds for you

Im not greedy, i get along well with his son. but you don't want him to inherit from his father? don't worry you wont get on with him for long at this rate.

Thanks to the few here who's been truly supportive and REALLY understanding. Much appreciated. Xoxo

Cant he leave 25% to his son, but you get to live there?

Does him getting 25%, mean he has to be given that amount straight away?

Surely, if the son I reasonable he would be happy to wait until you want to move or pass away yourself for his 25%?

I dont really understand why the son shoildnt be entitled to anything.

And ti answer an earlier question, yes people talk about these things before committing when theres children from a previous relationship involved.

Me and dp have. We live in my house. It's our home. It will become our house, if he matches my deposit or we move and buy together. At that point we decided the house would be split 3 ways. I have 2 kids he has one. They will each get a third. And which ever one of us, is still alive will get to live in the house until they pass.

Cant he leave 25% to his son, but you get to live there?

OP says Which means I'll have to fork out money or sell our smaller investment property

So she wouldn't have to leave the home she lives in