AIBU. Please be honest and not unnecessarily brutal

[Namechangeperquesta]

Will try to be brief. Married to an older man for a decade now and he has a son from his first marriage. We've built a comfortable life together (married IN community of property, not sure if its named the same in other countries). Sadly my husbands health is not great and while i think he'll be just fine with the right medical care, he's all doom and gloom and talking of dying :( we've been in the process of doing nice little modern upgades and renovations to our homes but we've put it on hold. Im reluctant to spend anymore money because i only recently ( silly me) found out that in the event he passes on and doesn't have a will i MUST part with half (or some) of our properties as his half will then go to his son. AIBU? Ive put love, care, my heart and soul into our homes, not to mention half of MY MONEY, only to part with my homes one day. How does it work in the UK?

You have a young child?! Wow, then no. You'll be the parent left solely bringing up a JOINT child if he passes, without his income or input. No way should half his estate be available to one other grown up child on his death. You should investigate this in depth. It would be different if you both married later in life and had no dependents, but you do. His death will in itself leave you in a worse financial position because you will be a lone parent, so this should be taken into consideration before other inheritances. Please investigate the legal position in your country given that you will have his other child as a minor to bring up. That's the crucial thing.

Get legal advice on exactly what your, and your child's, position will be if he dies without a will.

Then ask him if this is what he wants to happen.

Has he no interest in making sure that you and DC are properly provided for?

my dh has 2 adult kids and i have two teenagers. We made a Will, that mean all 4 kids Will split all, when the last of us is dead. That mean that if he die before me, i Can stay on the farm, and The other Way round.

Presumably nothing to stop the surviving spouse writing a new will (at any time, but more so after the first death) and disinheriting the other spouse's children though?

Make clear to him that you'd much prefer him to be alive for a long time but that there needs to be a will, as no-one is immortal.

(Unless he's happy for the intestacy rules to go into action, probably causing extra trouble and upset for you.)

Have you made your own will?

You have a young child together? Surely only half of his half would then go to his adult son?

I think you need to be very clear and direct and tell him that whilst it is painful to think of you BOTH need to sort out your will to ensure your child is financial secure in the event of either of your deaths.

When you say 'married in community of property' do you mean you are married in a 'community property' location? If so, everything would come to you as the surviving spouse, at least that's what happens where I live (California). But if he dies intestate (that is, without a will) there can be hellacious court fees as the estate would have to go through probate and a probate judge can very well decide that his adult son should get a slice under the assumption that your joint son will inherit your share in due course.

When you speak of a 'living will' (again California) do you mean a 'living trust'? If so, review the stipulations in the trust. Normally, the assets are held as joint trustees with the trust going to the survivor trustee and then to the successor trustees (normally the children or specified heirs).

But honestly, no one can give you actual advice unless we know where you live.

@VanGoghsDog depends if the estate is held in trust or not. ie the surviving spouse would have rights of occupancy but not ownership. so no, they couldn't disinherit their spouses children - in that case.

I am uncertain as to whether you are in England. If so and your DH dies intestate then - as a married partner - much of the estate goes to you.

You really need some advice for yourself. You can look up "intestacy" online but - again if in England - Citizens Advice will help

@Namechangeperquesta

Given that you've used terms which are not meaningful in the UK, that you haven't stated what country you're in, what country you married in, if that marriage is legally recognised, and what country's laws you understand the son inherits under, there is no information that any MNer can post which will help you.

Post the relevant details.

You need to tell us what country you’re in

Say the country is France, then your husband's property (half of your joint property) will be split between his two children. If it is France, he can't actually disinherit his legal heirs (his two children), so can only attribute a third of his wealth at most to another party (i.e. you) even with a will. However, it is possible in some cases to ringfence things which belonged to you before the marriage, which could be property or inheritances. Also, as the surviving spouse, you have a lifelong right to continue to live in your main residence. So it gets complicated. If you wanted to do the ringfencing or establishing which is your main residence, that doesn't necessarily need your husband to do anything.

Whichever country it is, you need to see a lawyer.

If you are in France (which I believe due to the translation), inheritance law is really complicated.

Isn't it something you should have looked when you got married. My mum and step-dad got married because of this kind of issues.

How it works in the UK is irrelevant for you.
Even if you tell us what country you’re in, this really isn’t the place to ask - you need a professional.

Are you unreasonable to want a will to protect your interests? No.
Don’t mess about, tell him outright it’s non negotiable.

Are you reasonable to expect any legal advice that you can rely on from MN? No.

I'm guessing OP is in South Africa. Google tells me that in her circumstance all assets (including those brought into the marriage) are become shared upon marriage, and that she would get exactly half on his death, and his heirs the rest.

If I'm right, then the money she put into the house was already half his, even before it left her account.

The good news is that the half she gets is not regarded as an inheritance, so no inheritance tax due.

Do you not think its fair that some of his estate go to his son?

If there are 2 heirs than half goes to wife, quarter to wife’s son, quarter to previous wife’s son.

And presumably young sons money would be managed by his mum.

So 25% to pass to older son.

He's being so unfair to everyone concerned. DH and I have made wills and it hasn't resulted in our sudden deaths!

For everyone's sake, he needs to make a will and secure both his children's futures. Not to mention your assets that you've ploughed into your jointly-owned properties.

I'd be blunt, OP, and say that a piece of paper isn't going to affect his lifespan, but it could save a lot of pain and legal repercussions for his family - not to mention wasting money on legal fees.

This seems insane. Something is very wrong here. But I don't understand how he can give anything away that is in your name. I think you need a lawyer, but I definitely think this is crazy. T

Twenty-five percent to his son seems fair. But the other issue is should she keep putting money into upgrading the house and I agre that I would not want to do so.

without a will the distribution of his estate will be a nightmare. Even without dispute, I've known families who have had to, while mourning and deeply upset, deal with endless lawyer work, paperwork, to-ing and fro-ing.

He needs to grow up and write a will. I mean, everyone needs a will, nobody is immortal and it's only respectful to your family not to make them go through the horrible hassle of working it all out while bereaved.

This happened to my mum. My dad passed away suddenly a few years back and they had a holiday home in Spain.
My dads “half” of the (very expensive) property went automatically to my brother and not my mum. Their inheritance laws are patriarchal.
Luckily my brother immediately signed away any rights to the property back to my mum, but what would have happened if they didn’t have a good relationship and my brother wasn’t so fair?
Also if both parents had died it all would have gone to my brother and nothing to me 🤷🏼‍♀️
My mum has sorted it all now via a will.

You need to be blunt with you DH and say you need the security to know your home is safely yours if he passes. It sounds like your SS’s mum could push for him to take half to support her in the event of your DH’s death.
And what a kick in the teeth that would be!!!

You need to find out the law op. In an ideal world, you will get him to sign a will saying that you and any minor children can live in the property until you decide to leave or die. It is very unfair of him to leave you with is young child and two teens in such a vulnerable position.

You need to get professional legal advice in your country.

However I would expect you and your shared child to be provided for not just his son from his first marriage.

He needs to stop being selfish and prepare for his eventual passing. It's hard enough for families to grieve the passing of a loved one, they shouldn't also have to deal with making decisions over someone's estate.

Sorry but what sort of fuckwittage is not drawing up a will!!! The only thing that means is that the "living" will fight amongst themselves, squabble and waste the whole inheritance on solicitors - people are like that.
Does he want his entire family to fight to the death because that's what will happen. Unless the will specifies who gets what it will be an absolute nightmare.
My friends husband didn't bother and she ended up with nothing after resulting solicitors fees and squabbles within the family for the money.

Are you sure he hasn;t already written a will that you know nothing about, that unfairly favours his eldest son?
You really need to get legal advice, and at the same time make your own will.
Maybe you making your will will force him into making his own?
If he contunued to refuse to do so, I'd consider divorcing him so that all currently shared assets are divided fairly and then in your sole name.
Call me cynical, but financial planning and long term security are of paramount importance, especially when you have children.