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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. Please be honest and not unnecessarily brutal

103 replies

Namechangeperquesta · 01/11/2019 12:48

Will try to be brief. Married to an older man for a decade now and he has a son from his first marriage. We've built a comfortable life together (married IN community of property, not sure if its named the same in other countries). Sadly my husbands health is not great and while i think he'll be just fine with the right medical care, he's all doom and gloom and talking of dying :( we've been in the process of doing nice little modern upgades and renovations to our homes but we've put it on hold. Im reluctant to spend anymore money because i only recently ( silly me) found out that in the event he passes on and doesn't have a will i MUST part with half (or some) of our properties as his half will then go to his son. AIBU? Ive put love, care, my heart and soul into our homes, not to mention half of MY MONEY, only to part with my homes one day. How does it work in the UK?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 01/11/2019 14:47

No one can advise you if you don't say where you live. The law differs in different countries.

In the UK it's quite common in 2nd marriages for one partner to leave part of their estate to their children from their 1st marriage BUT this is done in a legal document- a Will.

For instance, if a couple marry for the 2nd time in their 60s, they sometimes have a will which leaves their estate to their child(ren) but the 2nd wife/ husband has the use of the property (couples home) until their death. This is to avoid a situation where only (for example) the husband's/ father's estate goes to his 2nd wife and on her death is all passes to her children (not his.) In the UK ,without a Will, it's normal for assets to pass to next of kin.

Your husband needs to decide what happens to his assets when he dies- either all to you and your son with him, or some to his grown up son.

He has to write a Will!

Sgtmajormummy · 01/11/2019 14:57

In Italy (OP’s username is half Italian) the law is VERY clear about death and inheritance. If you’re in Comunione dei Beni with no previous marriage or half children your joint assets are divided, half to the spouse and half to the children in equal parts.
As that’s the majority situation in Italy many people don’t bother to make a will.

However that’s not your case, OP. Frankly I’m surprised you didn’t sort it before marriage. SEE A LAWYER. Try to retrace both your situations before the wedding so you can prove what assets you possessed outside it (so ex-wife can’t claim on them).

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2019 15:00

Just seen Sgt’s post. Yes, please get legal advice NOW.

BlingLoving · 01/11/2019 15:03

Surely the son would get half of HIS share. ie half of half what you own together or one quarter? And as the two beneficiaries, you'd have to agree how to make that happen eg you give him one house and he relinquishes all ownership of the others. or whatever.

Also, depending on where you are, wouldn't his wife be the main beneficiary? In which case, he should do a will to protect his son as otherwise you'll get everything with no obligation to give him anything when you die.

JacksonPillock · 01/11/2019 15:14

Firstly, why on Earth doesn't he just write a will?

Secondly, if you tell us what country you're in, I'm sure someone here will be familiar with their laws.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/11/2019 15:17

In a lot of countries children can go to court for half of any joint assets as women are only entitled to more than half an inheritance if they have children with the deceased. What country are you based in?

RoseToes · 01/11/2019 15:22

He really needs to make a will

user1480880826 · 01/11/2019 15:25

It would seem odd for half of his estate to go to his grown up, wealthy son when he is leaving behind two dependants who will end up homeless. He really needs to sort his will.

VanGoghsDog · 01/11/2019 15:28

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

depends if the estate is held in trust or not. ie the surviving spouse would have rights of occupancy but not ownership. so no, they couldn't disinherit their spouses children - in that case.

Obviously. But the post and quote I was responding to didn't say anything about trusts. Clearly if the assets are in trust it's different.

jollie99 · 01/11/2019 15:35

I would definitely seek legal advice. The son should have some inheritance but not necessarily half. Surely it is a personal choice how much you leave to someone and not an automatic right that they get half.

HeyNotInMyName · 01/11/2019 16:04

My parents are nit in the UK and their marriage contract meant something similar.
They’ve decided to modify their contract to one where everything goes to the living spouse (and then to me instead if half to me and half to the living spouse).

I’m surprised that if your are married IN community his half goes to his ds unless this has been done to protect assets for his ds (because otherwise you could easily have all his assets when he dies and then give them away to someone else iyswim)
You need to go and see a solicitor and sort out exactly what should happen at the IME of death. Should everything be yours (and then who will you leave that to?). Should it be half for you and then half for his ds (which would also be a fair arrangement) and what is the consequence of it?
There are plenty of possibility incl you have the use of the property you have together until your death but the ownership is shared with his ds for example. But you need to know what are those possibilities where you live.
Just be sure to mention to your DH that this is NOT a will but organising your finances, which he might be more open to.

HeyNotInMyName · 01/11/2019 16:07

@jollie99, it depends of the country.
In France, half of the inheritance HAS TO go to the dcs. You cant leave less than that to them by law. This is to protect inheritance in the case of divorce and remarriage.
Eg A has two dcs and gets divorced. A remarries with B who already has dcs.
If everything goes to B when A dies, B could decide to only leave some inheritance to their dcs, leaving nothing to A’s children. Even if it’s A who had all the assets or of A had specifically said they wanted to leave something for their dcs.

Aridane · 01/11/2019 16:32

You can make a will online - not in the UK! (don't know about Italy)

AngelsSins · 01/11/2019 16:56

If he refuses to make a will I would honestly divorce him. You can still be with him if that’s what he wants, but you can’t risk you and your son’s future.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 17:09

I understand why you want everything, but my dad married again and they've only been married about 10 years (he's 72 now.) If everything he owned went to my stepmum, my sister and I would rightly be a bit annoyed, as they've been together such a relatively short time. My dad has said we'll be comfortably off, so IDK what he's arranged.

I suppose it's up to your husband what he decides to do. Maybe he's happy with your son inheriting his stuff, and that's why he doesn't want to make a will saying any different.

Perhaps if he were to make a will without your input, it might say something you didn't like :) If you encourage him to make one, I suppose it might go your way.

But would you be happy doing that to his son?

And then, after you pass on, IDK how it works but possibly all what would've been for his son, going to any family members you have?

If my step mum got the house, I think it would then pass to my step sister, so taken out of our family entirely. That seems wrong.

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/11/2019 17:50

It's only right imo that his half of your joint estate goes to his children. If I die I want my house etc to go to my children. If my husband automatically inherited then married again his new wife would get everything and my kids left with nothing , potentially , depending on his feelings at the time.

Your husband needs to make a will, but bear in mind it wouldn't be fair for his children to be disinherited.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/11/2019 17:59

As you are talking about homes, plural I think it is fair to assume that you will not be left destitute should your husband not address this.

IMO it is only reasonable that his son should expect to inherit something - and possibly not only on your death - given that you may be quite close in age.

You and your DH need to have serious conversations about this asap. To protect your own, your son's and his son's interests. I'm sure it is very confronting for him but frankly he needs to show a bit of responsbility and not leave things in a situation where everything gets nasty after he's gone. Surely he would want his two sons to have an amicable relationship more than he'd want to deny his mortality?

makingmammaries · 01/11/2019 18:51

I have seen this situation in France. My colleague had to take out extra loans to pay her stepson off. OP, you need to see a notary urgently to make sure your DH makes a will leaving you as much as the law allows, and see also if you can change marital regime to separation of assets (in many countries you can) and put liquid assets in your name. It is not fair for your DH to place you at risk of this.

Original poster
Namechangeperquesta · 01/11/2019 19:33

@NoSquirrels what do you mean why didn't i sort it out? Sorry if i sound silly again but do people discuss this before getting married? We've been married 12 years and its only the last year he's health has been poor

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeperquesta · 01/11/2019 19:45

The reason why he hasn't done a will is because he says his son is not greedy, he's already financially secure and therefore won't want anything. We're in South Africa. His son is in Italy and yes by our law here depending on the value of the property if there is no will his son will get a quarter. Which means I'll have to fork out money or sell our smaller investment property. Im not greedy, i get along well with his son. He said his son is already ' sorted out'with homes and a good job but nothing is on paper yet so that's why i feel insecure. No, i definitely won't be destitute but my gripe is i don't want to spend anymore money on something that's not entirely mine ( or my son who'll have to share) for life. Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
OneTwoFreddysComingForYou · 01/11/2019 19:57

If you got everything what’s to stop you leaving everything to your DC when you die and leaving his son out completely? This is why it’s complex with second marriages and leads to bad feeling.

You need to talk that’s for sure. He could easily make a provision so that although his son owns half the house you can stay there until you die.

My dad confided in me that he was fretting over his will recently. He is on his second marriage and has me and my Dsis from his first. My new stepmother didn’t come into the marriage with any assets whereas my dad had a fair amount. He doesn’t get on with his adult step children at all and they are semi estranged from two out of three. When both he and my SM are gone he wants me and my sister to have all his assets but didn’t want my SM to feel like nothing was hers or us to be able to kick her out of their home. I can see why as a spouse it would feel unfair to be left out of your husbands will though. Who knows what the answer is.

BlingLoving · 01/11/2019 19:57

I think his son getting a quarter is perfectly reasonable. That's half of HIS share. Your original post suggested he would get your DH'entire share.

HeyNotInMyName · 01/11/2019 20:21

I think it would be right for. His ds to get 1/4.
Even if. His ds. Is sorted, not greedy etc..... what sort of message is it giving him if he doesn’t get anything at all?

My dad’s father tried something like this. My dad was really deeply hurt by that. It was like he has told him to fuck off from his grave.

I don’t think you can expect to have all the inheritance whilst he has nothing.
That’s also why you need to plan (see you having the use of the property until your death but sharing the ownership with his ds)

Andromache77 · 01/11/2019 20:41

Just as an aside, TheFatherSonAndHolyToast, that's not how Spanish inheritance law works, you either received spectacularly bad legal advice or there were other circumstances that you're not mentioning. Intestate inheritance law divides the estate equally among all children, regardless of sex or status (matrimonial or not) and there is also provision for the surviving spouse in the form of usufruct over a percentage of the estate. In fact, I cannot see how your brother's relinquishment of his rights was accepted without yours in order to transfer title to your mother, either your existence was hidden or some other equally suspect dealings took place because that is not what the Civil Code says at all.

iknowimallmine · 01/11/2019 21:00

What do you want? That his son doesn't get anything at all?

Let's say there are 4 shares. 2 his and 2 yours. If he dies intestate, of his shares 1 will go to his son and 1 to you. So you will have 3 shares in total and when you pass away your son will get them but his son will not get anything more. And I don't think any country gives anything to the ex wife. That would be for his son to decide if he wants to share his inheritance with her.

What if he draws the will and you and your son are worse off? I think it's still a good deal financially.