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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend babies first Christmas " just us"

103 replies

bubs80 · 01/11/2019 10:43

Sorry another Christmas one ...

Baby will be 10 months old I want to spend the day with baby and my partner.

Partners mum ,my mom and my sibling were initially coming and cooking which was nice. Then partners mum asked if she could bring along her sibling and wife. We feel this is too many adults and we barely know the sibling and wife so don't want to spend Christmas Day with them. ( for context we have only seen them once this year when I was pregnant )

Now partners mum suggests the three of them eating at her house and then they come and visit . I feel she has missed the point entirely of us saying we want a quiet Christmas as them visiting eating or not is still them visiting ..

What do I do ? Just say no we are having Christmas on our own ? Cancel my own mum too to save awkwardness.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:14

@Fweakout yes I know what you mean my days aren't relaxing far from it lol sleep deprivation at the moment so I felt I should post here to gain some clarity.

OP posts:
Starlet79 · 01/11/2019 11:16

I go through similar every single year. Do what makes you, your partner and baby happy.

I would say let them visit but don’t let them out stay their welcome.

Last year we wanted a Christmas to ourselves (me, partner and 2 DC). Mil popped over because she ha son choice (works Christmas Eve and Boxing Day) and she stayed for hours. I was really frustrated by the end of it after wanting to spend the day to ourselves. It was awful. I’d actually rather visit them this year so we can leave when we want to.

TheNanny23 · 01/11/2019 11:18

In my childhood we always just spent Xmas day the four of us and it was really nice and relaxed so I certainly plan on doing that in the future- I wouldn’t want expectations of entertaining. However maybe a bit mean to offer and then rescind- can you suggest doing a proper day either side of Xmas?

Fweakout · 01/11/2019 11:18

In the kindest possible way - being a mum involves loads of anxious stuff you will be constantly out of your comfort zone. People will always judge or not judge - you need to develop strategies to not care.

Only you know if you're able to push your comfort zone a bit & tackle your anxiety with this one, or if it's too much for you on that occasion.

But do consider that you'll be a couple of months further on by then, you don't know what you will feel like - and that giving way to anxiety, and hiding yourself from new people, might not do you any favours in the long run.

Wixi · 01/11/2019 11:23

Since our DD10 was born, we have always had Christmas day on our own and then seen family on Boxing Day. We have our own little traditions that we do on the Christmas day that just wouldn't be the same with others there. The rest of the family are free to visit or be visited the rest of the Christmas period, just not that day.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/11/2019 11:29

Honestly I think it’s better to spend the baby’s first Christmas with your whole family. I think you are using your anxiety and negative self talk to talk yourself out of something that could potentially bring everyone a lot of joy.

Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:31

@GrumpyHoonMain maybe. My partner doesn't have anxiety though and isn't keen on the idea .

OP posts:
Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:32

Also there's plenty of people who want to spend Christmas just immediate family who don't have anxiety so I don't think it's just that GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
Idontdocold · 01/11/2019 11:34

I’d just say no.

It’s my PFB’s first Christmas this year and she’ll also be 10 months.

We’ve said to both sets of grandparents that we will see/host them during the Christmas period but Christmas Day is our day.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/11/2019 11:37

@bubs80 It is your choice you can set the bar.
How did you both spend Christmas day before the baby.
I get you have anxiety the baby is 10 month old, aren't we all busy and sleep deprived.
I haven't had an undisturbed nights sleep at home in nearly 11 years.
It makes you stronger.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/11/2019 11:37

He might not be, or he might he trying to please you. When my anxiety has been bad my DH has literally cancelled everything that would have helped him or us (including family visits) to pre-empt my reaction. Honestly I think you should consider it. They’re just family - if it gets too much you can always just go upstairs and leave them all to dote on your dc which is what they want to do anyway.

By the way I’m not saying this to be difficult - my baby will be 2-3 weeks during their first christmas this year and we will host all of our family (including aunts and uncles) to celebrate it. If my anxiety rears it’s head I’ll just go upstairs.

orangeteal · 01/11/2019 11:37

We love Christmas just us, that said we only started when our youngest was 2, I quite liked the additional adult company (and help!) when they were babies, it was only really when they were old enough to understand and enjoy it that it was fun by ourselves (eldest was 5 when youngest was 2 so he understood).

PrincessSarene · 01/11/2019 11:39

Would it make you less anxious if you invited your partner’s family to come over on Boxing Day instead? You can say that you don’t want to be overwhelmed with lots of visitors on one day, plus this way they can get more baby cuddles.

It’s perfectly fine to have the Christmas you and your partner want. Just because other people like large family gatherings doesn’t mean you should feel any pressure to do the same.

Lifecraft · 01/11/2019 11:39

Baby's first Christmas

rosewils · 01/11/2019 11:40

Fine to want to spend christmas alone but I think to uninvite your mil but still invite your own mum would be incredibly unkind.

Be greatful your baby has lots of family that love and want to spend time with them.

You see plenty of threads on her complaining about grandparents that show no interest in their gc.

Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:42

@rosewils but the point is she now doesn't want to see u as has chose to have lunch with them instead .. ( as we said it was too many adults thinking she would say no to her sibling ) I don't know it's head spin

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LolaSmiles · 01/11/2019 11:44

There needs to be parity on both sides. I don't think it's fair to say your family are fine but your partner's family isn't (though this comes up a lot on MN as mum decides).

Fair enough spreading out the grandparent visits and fair enough if you want to have a quiet Christmas, just don't become one of those parents who get precious with different sides of the family and then end up complaining later.

LittleAndOften · 01/11/2019 11:46

It's entirely up to you! Boxing day sounds like a great compromise. We won't be seeing family on the day either. You don't owe anyone anything on that specific day, especially if neither you nor DH are keen.

rosewils · 01/11/2019 11:47

@bubs80 I thought you said she wanted to come and visit after lunch?

In all kindness you're massively overthinking this, your baby won't have a clue what's going on.

It sounds like your mum is doing the cooking and your mil is having dinner elsewhere so people literally just want to come and visit? If that's right then I don't see what pressure it's putting you under.

Would you be happy with your dp taking the baby to visit his family in the afternoon instead?

Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:49

@rosewils no we have to cook now . Yes she wants to com after their meal. Yes I'm just drained and overthinking . They don't help at all either sets of grandparents so I know it will be more work for me . Every weekend want to see baby but no actual help with anything

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 01/11/2019 11:50

You can’t invite your family but not his. You’re trying to control the whole day for everyone.

Plus you’re not listening to the responses being given here so why are you posting in AIBU?

rosewils · 01/11/2019 11:52

@bubs80 sleep deprivation and anxiety are a bad mix, I know from experience. It makes the little things seem quite overwhelming and turns them into something much bigger. Thanks

If they're the type to expect to be waited on then just arrange to visit them another day.

As long as you and your dp are on the same page it's fine.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/11/2019 11:56

Uninvite your mum then if she’s expecting you to cook. You could still see your mil as she’ll be coming after dinner.

MerryDeath · 01/11/2019 11:56

we spend plenty of time "just us" all year round. at christmas i'm happy to do something different. but i do appreciate the company of family whenever and would rarely not want to do something with them.

but it's your business, if you don't want to then don't.

Original poster
bubs80 · 01/11/2019 11:56

@rosewils thank you . Yes that's the thing I know I won't get any help and that includes my own mum. I didn't invite anyone they all assumed they would come

OP posts:
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