About not being allowed to be ill?

[namechange46]

I have PTSD following the death of my mother ten years ago and am currently in period of my life where it has been triggered. So I am basically waking up in a panic every day, having frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, and have become obsessed with the idea that I am going to die in the same way as my mother, very soon (she had pancreatic cancer). The last twelve months have been incredibly stressful and my body and mind are exhausted.

I am doing everything I can to try and beat this. I'm checking in with the GP. I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. I'm having a psyc assessment next week. I go to counselling every week. I have stopped drinking (I never drank much, but I know it's a depressant, so am avoiding it). I'm trying to go to bed early. I'm getting things done around the house, though admittedly not to the standard I used to. Dishes are in the dishwasher at night and there’s plenty of food in the fridge. We have enough clean clothes.

My two kids are fine. The big one is autistic and at a fantastic special school. The little one is with me during the day, but she's a reasonably easy toddler and happy to hang out at home or tag along with chores etc. Both kids are clean, fed, cuddled.

The issue I have is DH. His attitude to anything to do with my mental health is to dismiss it, or try to rationalise me out of it. That doesn't really work with PTSD.

Last night he was out working all day. I had the toddler with me. We picked up the big one from school. We had our tea. We gave out sweets to trick or treaters (that I had picked up from the supermarket that morning). I put them both to bed and had my dinner in front of the tv. I put the oven on for DH's dinner and put it in for him. He came in and I chatted to him for ten minutes, then I went to bed at about 9pm.

DH pours himself a huge glass of wine and I could hear him sniffing. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'I'm so lonely. This is so hard. I'm so down.'

He doesn't see what I've achieved. That I got through the day. That the kids were warm, happy and asleep. He sees me going off to bed and thinks I am rejecting him. I am tired of my mental health issues always becoming about him. He has had crises himself, both times when I was pregnant, and I supported him fully by listening to him, encouraging him, giving him opportunities to talk things through.

He’s drinking too much. Smoking. Staying in bed in the mornings while I get the big one up and out to school. I’m working so hard at being ok and I don’t see any effort from him.

I get no actual support. I am not allowed to be ill. He doesn’t think I have PTSD. He thinks I am ‘just anxious’. When I am ill it is a Big Problem. There is no encouragement or recognition of progress. Just ‘Well you need to do even better tomorrow’.

I am tired of being ill and I am tired of carrying him. I don’t know what to do any more.

squirrels I don't read it that way. So rather than it being ptsd isn't that bad so his struggles are equal, I read it more that he's perhaps struggling just as much, or at least enough to also be deserving of support, with it being a given that ptsd is awful iyswim.

OP I get it, I really do. I also have PTSD and struggle with nightmares etc and I'm 12 years post the cause, so I know what it's like to have the peaks and troughs of this illness and also have a similar care package in place. I wanted to suggest two things; the first being just something to think about. Fighting to dig yourself out of the cycle of PTSD is exhausting, and I know myself that it's really hard to see how my fighting to survive impacts those I love far more than I appreciate at the time, and it's only when I am well and look back on things that I realise how hard it was for others around me, even though it frustrated the hell out of me that they just weren't trying as much as I was. It wasnt that, our needs were different and I was blind to their needs whilst I was unwell.

Secondly, have your care team ever discussed trying 'Prazosin'? Its a blood pressure medication, but it has been found to be useful off label for the management of nightmares in PTSD. I've found it SO helpful, it doesnt stop the nightmares but makes them less intense, and if they do wake me I am no longer too scared to go back to sleep. For me, they have been more helpful in the longterm management of my ptsd than venlafaxine (although I do take both still, but the prazosin had the biggest impact).

Have you ever thought about the possbility you may be autistic? Health anxiety is one of my issues, every day I scare myself half stupid convinced I have a 'different' form of cancer. I realised I was autistic after my son received his diagnosis. I feel like my brain can't cope with the amount of knowledge I have (hence the anxiety) if that makes sense

Hi OP, you’re doing brilliantly. Having felt similar, I know how every minute of your days right know will feel unendurable.

He may well be lonely rather than ill. That is a shame for him, but if you were going to bed at 9pm because you were screwed from chemo, I don’t think people would be suggesting you sit up with him etc. I’ve been through both crisis-levels of anxiety and chemo, and the exhaustion and fatigue are really quite similar.

This is 3-4 months out of 10 years. It hasn’t always been like this and it won’t always be like this, especially as you are seeking appropriate care. He needs to see that and seek companionship through other social support to see him through. Does he have friends? My husband can be a bit shit about making the first move to speak to friends when we’ve been in a parallel situation, so I just about mustered the energy to tell his best friend myself what was happening. Not my job but worth it overall.

If he is experiencing his own mental health problems then he needs to seek help. If he won’t then I would very seriously consider the relationship once you’re doing better. No one can help getting ill but, once you have a dependents, not trying your best to recover is unacceptable as far as I’m concerned. He may not feel he’s worthy of help or it won’t help if looking through a depression lens, in which case tough love may we’ll be needed.

All the very best with your recovery. This too shall pass.

I should say I hadn’t RTFT so hadn’t seen @aweedropofsancerre was going through cancer treatment when I posted. Her post has been deleted so I can see none of the details of it. But my position still stands that my mental illnesses have been as real and life-altering as my cancer, down to very real physical symptoms too. I would not wish either on my worst enemy.

He doesn’t sound that he has accepted that he needs help until that time you just need to be there for him. All though you are doing well you still have issues it’s not a competition. Talk to each other.

at least enough to also be deserving of support, with it being a given that ptsd is awful iyswim.

I think you must just have a kinder human heart or a rosier lens than me, Welsh! I didn’t get the feeling from this thread that people understood the PTSD - posters are suggesting she just ‘stays up a little longer’ or ‘just directs him towards the freezer bolognese’ or ‘just’ this or that.

But she was really really clear in her OP - she is ‘just’ coping. There’s no capacity for more.

I think adults need to take responsibility for themselves. Everyone should be kind, but sometimes one person just is suffering more and then the onus is not on them to solve shit for other adults. They’re solving their own shit and that is enough. The other adult needs to do the same.

I don't think calling out unnecessarily cruel responses is out of order. @aweedropofsancerre made several inaccurate character portraits of me based on their own prejudices. I'm going through a shit time at the moment but I'm not posting cruel responses to people.

Anyway I dreamt about my mother again last night. As per usual. It happens more when I am frequently woken by the kids, as I never get a chance to have a deep sleep.

I am trying. I will continue to try.

Spoke at length about DH with therapist yesterday and we both agreed by the end of the session that I have to carry on as I am, and hope he will understand. I can't carry him and I can't force him to address his own issues - despite obviously desperately wishing I could.

Op- I’ve said further up thread, but see if your therapist thinks that emdr may be suitable for you-it’s changed my life after I was attacked at work. I was triggered by a less severe confrontation last December and suddenly couldn’t leave the house. The difference emdr made is unreal.

I agree with Amateur about EMDR if you haven't had it- I've found it quite helpful for stuff.

How long have you been on your current meds? See how you go and if you don't see much improvement, please go back so they can try something else. There's loads of stuff they can try.

I think you should tell DH he needs to get help. It isn't fair on you. Take care of yourself and feel better soon. Love and hugs xxxxx

I see you've already told him. That's all you can keep doing really, and if he gets too unbearable, get rid of him. It won't be much of a loss as he's not supporting you. Well done for how you've stood up for yourself in this thread. Glad if you have the same spirit at home :) xx

Agree with @AmateurSwami - EMDR changed my life and is a trauma informed type of therapy, my therapist works with a range of people including those with PTSD. Good luck OP.