About not being allowed to be ill?

[namechange46]

I have PTSD following the death of my mother ten years ago and am currently in period of my life where it has been triggered. So I am basically waking up in a panic every day, having frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, and have become obsessed with the idea that I am going to die in the same way as my mother, very soon (she had pancreatic cancer). The last twelve months have been incredibly stressful and my body and mind are exhausted.

I am doing everything I can to try and beat this. I'm checking in with the GP. I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. I'm having a psyc assessment next week. I go to counselling every week. I have stopped drinking (I never drank much, but I know it's a depressant, so am avoiding it). I'm trying to go to bed early. I'm getting things done around the house, though admittedly not to the standard I used to. Dishes are in the dishwasher at night and there’s plenty of food in the fridge. We have enough clean clothes.

My two kids are fine. The big one is autistic and at a fantastic special school. The little one is with me during the day, but she's a reasonably easy toddler and happy to hang out at home or tag along with chores etc. Both kids are clean, fed, cuddled.

The issue I have is DH. His attitude to anything to do with my mental health is to dismiss it, or try to rationalise me out of it. That doesn't really work with PTSD.

Last night he was out working all day. I had the toddler with me. We picked up the big one from school. We had our tea. We gave out sweets to trick or treaters (that I had picked up from the supermarket that morning). I put them both to bed and had my dinner in front of the tv. I put the oven on for DH's dinner and put it in for him. He came in and I chatted to him for ten minutes, then I went to bed at about 9pm.

DH pours himself a huge glass of wine and I could hear him sniffing. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'I'm so lonely. This is so hard. I'm so down.'

He doesn't see what I've achieved. That I got through the day. That the kids were warm, happy and asleep. He sees me going off to bed and thinks I am rejecting him. I am tired of my mental health issues always becoming about him. He has had crises himself, both times when I was pregnant, and I supported him fully by listening to him, encouraging him, giving him opportunities to talk things through.

He’s drinking too much. Smoking. Staying in bed in the mornings while I get the big one up and out to school. I’m working so hard at being ok and I don’t see any effort from him.

I get no actual support. I am not allowed to be ill. He doesn’t think I have PTSD. He thinks I am ‘just anxious’. When I am ill it is a Big Problem. There is no encouragement or recognition of progress. Just ‘Well you need to do even better tomorrow’.

I am tired of being ill and I am tired of carrying him. I don’t know what to do any more.

Gosh I feel so awful for both of you. You sound extremely in tune with your body, mind and needs, whereas he sounds clueless like the rest of us. What really, could you expect him to do to solve this? He’s lonely. I know you’re struggling to get through the day but surely you can see his side?

Much love

Your husband sounds awful and I'm genuinely shocked at the sympathy he is getting on this thread

He tells you that you need to better?! What sort of shitty nasty excuse for a human being says that to someone in crisis?

He seems to be offering neither practical or emotional support, won't seek any support for his needs (I suspect because there's nothing actually wrong aside from him being an attention seeking baby) and criticises what you achieve - what are you getting out of this relationship?!

I might be misunderstanding this, but do you mean he also doesn't have a job?

A fair point.

I honestly think that a few of the posters here don't really see the OP's problem fully as an illness. If she had, for example, a form of arthritis that flared up every now and then, people might still say that it can be stressful for the partner as well, but I don't think there'd be so much questioning of the validity of the problems. PTSD is just as much of an illness. The OP deserves credit for continuing to care effectively for two young children, one of whom has special needs and the other is at a very dependent age. DH seems unable or unwilling to provide as much help as the OP needs. It may be that he is just selfish and/or doesn't take PTSD seriously; or it may be that he has mental health needs of his own. We cannot tell from the Internet. I would suggest that the OP goes back to her GP to try to get more help if necessary. The psych assessment might give clearer clues as to what is needed, and might also give her a more definite diagnosis to share with her husband. I would suggest to him that he gets some form of counselling himself - perhaps in terms of 'it's stressful for you to live with someone with mental health problems and you may need support' rather than 'there seems to be something wrong with you': just because the former might be more likely to be accepted. But of course he can't be forced to seek help. I would also avoid pressing him about his smoking at this time. Yes, he would be much better off if he could quit, but he will know this; and at the moment it's more urgent to deal with your MH problems, and possibly his: once these are dealt with, he may find it easier to give up smoking.

God he sounds knackering.

For the ptsd- emdr was life changing for me. 8 sessions, best £400 I’ve ever spent I can’t believe how different I am.

@AngelsSins he is crying at home from loneliness. That's where people got that he is struggling too from. OP herself said he has been at work all day came home and got 10 min chat and that's it. You sound pleasant...

@namechange46. My DW has severe mental complex mental health issues and it’s hard, damn hard living with it day in day out (from a carers point of view) so I can understand to an extent how your husband is feeling. It is lonely and it is hard BUT your husband needs to pull his head out and see just how well you’re actually doing.

From what you’re said you’re doing an amazing job and trying so hard to get through every day.

I don’t have any words of wisdom or advice on how to get through to your husband but I wanted to say “well done, you’re doing so well”.

It's not all about you. It's not all about him. If you're going to survive as a team you need to work together. I think @monkeysox has it very well. When you say you're not 'allowed' to be ill. Are you meaning not just when you are having a particularly triggering episode but that you need this to be the overarching aspect of things 24/7 as you say it's constant?

Sadly its very hard for someone to live with very depressed person. You sound like you have a preoccupation with getting cancer which is affecting your ability to live a positive life with your family. I imagine the DC are finding it tough living in this atmosphere and probably have taken on a carer type role for you. Did you take them out trick or treating? Anyway I can imagine feeling very lonely if every evening I came home from work and my partner went to bed. It sounds like a lonely existence for all in your home. You are seeking recognition for doing things that one would expect. Like ensuring your DC are fed and watered. Perhaps its time for you to seek different support as ten years on and no real change then something isn't working. Not sure what help you expect him to get , given his main issue is his home life.

@aweedropofsancerre Bloody hell, way to kick someone when they're down. You don't sound like you have much understanding at all of the kinds of things OP's going through - if you do, then that doesn't come through in your post. And re trick or treating - how do you even know OP's DC wanted to go trick or treating? What a bizarrely judgemental aside.

OP, I'm sorry both you and your DH are going through this. It does sound like your DH needs some added support, but you are already at full stretch and doing all you can. I think your DH should seek some form of support outside your home if he needs it. Don't beat yourself up. hugs

I'm really surprised at the lack of support for you on this thread, OP. Really am.

You've pointed out that this is fairly recent, after a serious triggering incident - so you've been like this for 3-4 MONTHS, not 10 years, and now your H is feeling all "woe is me, I'm so lonely" rather than doing anything about it, while you're going to weekly counselling and doing your damnedest to try and get better.

He sounds like a self-pitying emotional drain, tbh. And as though he can't function without YOUR support - but when YOU need it, he doesn't have it in him to give it to you.

I think he needs to stop self-medicating and go to the doctor himself - if his "mental health" issues are so bad, then he needs help, external help. He can't put all of his needs onto you while you're in this TEMPORARY crisis - it sounds like he's trying to compete with you at the moment, which is ridiculous.

Of course it would be different if you were NOT actively seeking help and this had been going on for the last 10 years - but that's not the case at all.

I hope you can find a way to get through this because it doesn't sound like you're going to get any help from him.

Hi @namechange46 would it be possible for you to go to counselling together? Could you get a babysitter? If you had counselling together you could both talk about how you feel in a safe space without any accusations or demands. Sometimes when you are in a rut you cannot see how to get out of it but the counsellor may have strategies or ideas that would be helpful. It would also give you a chance to be together!!

I think you are doing brilliantly well with the children and yourself. I think what you have described is a bit of a trigger situation with the dh. You obviously feel that he should be telling you how well you are doing and say something nice to you when he comes in. He feels the same, you should say something nice to him.
Stalemate.

A small change might be not to expect him to be a mind reader. So if you go off to bed and have already had supper before he comes back you need to explain just why you are doing this, have done this, or he might just think you are trying to tell him you are annoyed/pissed off/fed up with him/avoiding him.

So the convo might go. It is lovely to see you. We had a good day, although I am shattered now.How was your day...shall we sit down and chat for 30 mins whilst you have your tea/supper then I might go to bed early. And then if he gets a bit less "triggered" he might start realising how tired and exhausted you are and actually being a bit more supportive. Most people want to be nice if you give them the opportunity, they just react before they remember their nice side.

Not. Your supper is in the oven, I am so exhausted I now have to go to bed. Even if that is true. It is quite triggering for someone who is feeling lonely and tired and only just come in. Even if you think he doesn't deserve more, you can get further with him if you don't stonewall him.

I agree with everything @DarlingNikita says.

Deos your p work? What doe she do around the house?? Anything? That's the first thing that has to change. He sounds useless, in a practical sense.

Seoncd, he needs to get educated about PTSD.

Third, you need to bear in mind that it's fucking exhausting living with someone who has MH problems. I have no doubt he is struggling if you're struggling to do the basics.

Oh OP, this makes me feel so achingly sorry for both of you. You are clearly suffering (and managing to achieve an awful lot in the face of enormous pressures); so is he.

Sounds like both my exes. I ended up having a complete breakdown - and now the children live with their fathers. Leave him, before he sucks every last bit of resilience out of you

bringincrazyback actually I have many years experience of dealing with people like the OP. She has seen many health professionals, has counselling, on medication and surprise surprise nothing is working. She is probably diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by health professionals. She changed the narrative when she didn’t get the responses she expected. Her autistic son is at home now and doesn’t go to school, her 5 yr old is now pre school age so also at school, now the DH doesn’t help .....so you can all confirm that her DH who simply had a glass of wine and said he is lonely is now some unsupportive ass.... I may sound harsh but I have been holding my home together for 4 mths whilst my DH is being treated for 2 cancers and looking after 4 DC so maybe I am not feeling the best today. I have also watched 6 family members die of cancer. So OP if you live in fear of cancer maybe do something positive with your life and go and support people or volunteer in a cancer centre where people are truly suffering. Turn your trauma into something positive

fwiw I have a three small kids, and one with ASD, and used to have terrible rows with my dh whenever he walked in the door cos I felt I had had an exhausting day coping and he was just expecting more from me when he got in. It took a while to work out a better pattern.

I would say that my dh now quite often will say that he is so tired he has to go to bed at 10 and I will often stay up a while longer and I/he doesn't take offence, but a mismatch of bedtimes can be quite an issue when one person is not pulling their weight first thing in the morning.

Talk through the whole timings thing. Could he go to bed earlier and chat to you in bed/read next to you, could you have your supper a bit later with him and not in front of the tv by yourself. This sort of thing is quite passive aggressive way of showing displeasure or avoidance of someone/something and not suprisingly partners tend to react badly to it, even if it appears innocuous in itself (ie I am tired and I am going to bed now...whilst a perfectly innocent comment can be very aggressive/put downy ie I am more tired than you, cos I work harder or I don't like talking to you or being with you.)

It is about communication really. In a less stressful situation you have to discuss your communication needs with each other. rather than blaming the other's actions, it is about, saying what x makes you feel when the other says or does it. So not, I hate it when you do x, but more this makes me feel lonely or unsupported, even if I know you don't mean it that way.

And then you have a way forward.

We are still together after 20 years. We've been through a lot. Communication is hard but we are getting there.

I cannot believe you actually recommend someone with massive MH issues that they self medicate woth LSD or MDMA. What's wrong with you

What is wrong with you? Do you have issues with comprehension?
I advised somebody to research something as it can potentially help them. Perhaps research it yourself.
I have advised nobody to take any drugs, legal or otherwise.
Perhaps look at - research
Video GuardianMDMAVid
ScientificUS
wiki
LSD research CambridgeOrg
medicalnews

My dd is a mental health worker who supports a woman left with so many problems from LSD use that she cannot function or live independently.
And Elvis died taking a shit on the toilet, I still take a shit every single day.

aweed, where are you getting 'She changed the narrative when she didn’t get the responses she expected. Her autistic son is at home now and doesn’t go to school, her 5 yr old is now pre school age so also at school'?

The other thing, is you have a child with special needs. You have lost your mother and are less "supported" at this time when you have small demanding children, although people might expect you to be fine because your eldest is in a great school.
These things put a strain on both of you. On your marriage generally. And the quicker you stop blaming him for his behaviour and accepting that it is hard for both of you to be parents, and look after each other (cos that is what marriage is, looking after the other, sometimes demanding partner) the easier it will be to come to terms with the sadness and stress you are feeling and realise it is what a lot of people do go through in the course of their marriage, it is not just HIM.

Sancerre is not very helpful

I advised somebody to research something as it can potentially help them. Perhaps research it yourself. I have advised nobody to take any drugs, legal or otherwise.
So you just suggested OP does some extra reading and leaves it at that? No. If you tell someone "research this" and While breaking the law might not sit comfortably with you if it gives you the chance to get your life back on track surely it is worth looking into. you are basically recommending they use the info practically. No doctor in here would go with this thus OP would have to self medicate, which is INCREDIBLY dangerous.

I understand this.

I don't have any health issues, but I look after the kids (and work). I have to be up at 6:30, in order to get the kids out of the door at 7:45 and into school (we have a slick routine, I can, if knackered sleep until 7am, but that does make it more of a stressful rush, and I have to eat when I get back).

DP complains that I won't stay up and hang out with him past about 10pm, but then he doesn't get up until after me and the kids have left.

Your DP could go to bed at the same time as you occasionally, get up at the same time as you, help out with the morning and that would give you both time to have a bit of breakfast together. You can't change because you have the responsibility of the children and places to be.

He needs to make the effort to bring about change - it can't all be down to you.

Excuse me @aweedropofsancerre but you have me completely wrong. I have a 16 month old child. And a 5 year old with autism. Last year I had to organise a house move, do all the paperwork for an EHCP, then take my LA to court to get my child the education they deserved. All this with a small baby at home and a pre schooler doing 15 hours of nursery a week. I am not weak. I do not have borderline personality disorder. I'm a fucking superhero.

I am ill now because I had to hold down my mother's emaciated convulsing body throughout the night, pressing a 'boost' button on her morphine driver every 7 minutes. I did this for three nights solid, with my father and my sibling, because her cancer advanced so quickly that there was no time to biopsy, or get her into a hospice. I was triggered 3/4 mths ago and I am now living in that exact moment every minute of every day.

I certainly DO have PTSD and the appointment next week is to formalise that.

Do you make time for each other? Like set an evening aside for jus the two of you when kids are in bed?

Both of you aren't getting youre specfic needs met within the relationship causing an knock on effact i.e. loneliness, isolating. Both sides aren't communicating right. I understand you have PTSD but your husband doesn't know or understand eactly what this is, he will not know what it is or its like to be you but is very clearly picking up the negative emotions that come along of it. If you are stuggling then it's only a matter of time your husband will begin to pick up and feel the same (This is VERY common) This is why its very important he seeks help also! Futhermore, your child's senses at this age is heightened so they may not know what's going on but they will know something is different. You are very wrong to think otherwise!
What is very key in you getting through your PTSD is you're systems and support? But also, you need to understand that people don't understand what's happening within you. So it's very important to educate, educate, EDUCATE!! You both are NOT communicating your needs right-handed the issues arising!

It is your choice to be a SAHM so everything is up to you (with regards to home life). If this is too much, can you not get family involved, hire a cleaner for certain days etc. Also, what happens on his day off? I ask this because I am also a SAHM an on these days off we both do our fair sure because in a sense it's my days off too.