About not being allowed to be ill?

[namechange46]

I have PTSD following the death of my mother ten years ago and am currently in period of my life where it has been triggered. So I am basically waking up in a panic every day, having frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, and have become obsessed with the idea that I am going to die in the same way as my mother, very soon (she had pancreatic cancer). The last twelve months have been incredibly stressful and my body and mind are exhausted.

I am doing everything I can to try and beat this. I'm checking in with the GP. I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. I'm having a psyc assessment next week. I go to counselling every week. I have stopped drinking (I never drank much, but I know it's a depressant, so am avoiding it). I'm trying to go to bed early. I'm getting things done around the house, though admittedly not to the standard I used to. Dishes are in the dishwasher at night and there’s plenty of food in the fridge. We have enough clean clothes.

My two kids are fine. The big one is autistic and at a fantastic special school. The little one is with me during the day, but she's a reasonably easy toddler and happy to hang out at home or tag along with chores etc. Both kids are clean, fed, cuddled.

The issue I have is DH. His attitude to anything to do with my mental health is to dismiss it, or try to rationalise me out of it. That doesn't really work with PTSD.

Last night he was out working all day. I had the toddler with me. We picked up the big one from school. We had our tea. We gave out sweets to trick or treaters (that I had picked up from the supermarket that morning). I put them both to bed and had my dinner in front of the tv. I put the oven on for DH's dinner and put it in for him. He came in and I chatted to him for ten minutes, then I went to bed at about 9pm.

DH pours himself a huge glass of wine and I could hear him sniffing. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'I'm so lonely. This is so hard. I'm so down.'

He doesn't see what I've achieved. That I got through the day. That the kids were warm, happy and asleep. He sees me going off to bed and thinks I am rejecting him. I am tired of my mental health issues always becoming about him. He has had crises himself, both times when I was pregnant, and I supported him fully by listening to him, encouraging him, giving him opportunities to talk things through.

He’s drinking too much. Smoking. Staying in bed in the mornings while I get the big one up and out to school. I’m working so hard at being ok and I don’t see any effort from him.

I get no actual support. I am not allowed to be ill. He doesn’t think I have PTSD. He thinks I am ‘just anxious’. When I am ill it is a Big Problem. There is no encouragement or recognition of progress. Just ‘Well you need to do even better tomorrow’.

I am tired of being ill and I am tired of carrying him. I don’t know what to do any more.

OP I really feel for you and your MH issues, it sounds so difficult.

That said, I can see how it is very difficult for your OH too. I speak from experience in saying it is so difficult to cope with a loved one with MH issues. That's not to blame the sufferer or take away from their pain, but it is so hard for loved ones too.

Could you get your DH to take on more of the care for the children so that you feel more able to spend some time with him in the evening before bed?

It sounds like you're pushing yourself hard and getting through each day as best you can, maybe he could help you more and in turn you'd be able to help him too.

But that's the thing @Bibidy - he just doesn't take on more. He just wants me to be better so I can continue doing everything.

My DH went through a Long period of depression and mental health issues-it nearly broke us.

Everything became all about him and what he ‘needed’ and my wants were right at the bottom of the pile. Maybe that’s how he feels-crying through loneliness is awful.

On Wednesday I told him I was too tired to prepare dinner. Big problem. He couldn't compute. 'Ok, you put the kids to bed and clean the kitchen and I'll make dinner'. No. I've done all that. I just don't want to make dinner. I'm tired. 'Ok so you do x and I'll do y...
'I don't know what to DO... what are we going to EAT?'

Fridge full of food. Freezer full of spag Bol, pizza etc.

It sounds like you are managing to make an effort for the kids but have nothing left then for him. And I totally get that they're the priority but he sounds like he's really deteriorating. You said you can't have a laugh over a board game, but you've managed to cope with the trick or treating - maybe some rearrangement is needed so that at some point he feels he's getting your attention. Part of that might be he takes over some of the stuff with the kids so you get a break and could maybe then be more responsive to him.

Is the treatment you're getting really working for you? It sounds a bit like you're still suffering a lot, and just bracing yourself and waiting for the terror to subside.

Oh, I've now seen your last couple of posts. He's got to do more of the practical stuff.

Illness of any kind can have a big impact on all the family and on any relationship. When you’re going through it it’s hard not to think that as you’re the one going through it others just need to get over it because it’s you that needs the support, but the truth is that those people also need the support.

And to be brutally honest,your illness, while understandable, is not rational. You’re not likely to die in a hideous way, and while you have the anxiety which tells you you are, you’re not, and so from the outside it is hard to grasp how someone can focus so much of their life and time on something which isn’t going to happen and then expect others around them to support that. That’s not meant to be insensitive, but it is how your condition will be viewed from those who have to witness it.

From your DH’s perspective, he’s lonely. He has a life partner who is focussing on the irrational and he is being left by the wayside. Even if he didn’t have any kind of MH issues himself, his feelings are no less valid in this.

I have a serious heart condition. And it absolutely has had an impact on my relationship with my DP. For one our physical relationship has all but disappeared, and things have most definitely changed between us. Of course there are times when I feel that he just needs to make that allowance for my illness, such as me going to bed at 9 pm and so on, but equally my illness isn’t just about me. He’s the one who has to wait for news when I’ve been down to surgery. He’s the one who has to hear about the results from the cardiologist, and he’ll be the one who is left behind if I die, and for me dying is a real possibility.

I can’t just dismiss those feelings based on the fact that I’m the one going through it. As much as you don’t want to go through an illness in isolation, so people supporting shouldn’t have to support in isolation either.

Wow people here really expect so much of mothers and women don't they. OP it sounds like you're doing a lot, and working really hard to take care of yourself and your kids. It's really really hard to keep getting up and showing up and doing the work.

I don't think you owe him more of yourself, if he isn't doing/saying/giving you anything that either communicates how he is feeling or that helps you in some way then frankly why are you being expected to do more?

When I was having trauma therapy (I did EMDR, which was hard but amazing) I had little to give to my partner at times. And I know he found it tough but I was trying and it slowly got better and we're in a much better place now. Because he gave me time, and space, and security.

Do you have family or friends nearby that can offer some help, so you and DP can have some time together to talk and simply BE together?

It is interesting that he had his crises when you were pregnant and he's having another now, when you're again vulnerable/not at your best. It whiffs of attention-seeking/envy to me.

Re the 'Ok, you put the kids to bed and clean the kitchen and I'll make dinner…I don't know what to DO... what are we going to EAT?' conversation, he sounds useless. And more than that, like everything has to be a quid pro quo; he'll only do stuff if he sees that you're doing stuff to, like it's unfair otherwise.

I don't really know what to say, but for starters he could educate himself on the basics of PTSD. Maybe he'll stop saying you're 'just anxious' , which would be a start.

OP I'm surprised by some of the responses on here because your DH sounds like a twat. Refusing to acknowledge that your diagnosed mental health problem is real, and being "unable" to make a meal for his own wife and children?! Fuck that. Are you sure you wouldn't be better off alone?

Having a family member with MH problems is really tough if you are supporting them and caring for them - just as it would be if a family member had a serious physical illness. But it doesn't sound like he's doing much supporting and caring, simply whining about the fact you are so busy taking care of yourself and his children that you don't have much energy left for him. Perhaps if he stepped up and took some share of the domestic work you would have the time and energy to spend on your relationship.

Of course you are allowed to be ill.. but does he have to deal with it all with a smile on his face without struggling himself?

It sounds to me like HE is the one who isn't allowed to struggle.

When we suffer from mental illness, it can make us incredibly insular, because all we're thinking about is getting through each day, and doing what needs to be done.

That means we often overlook the feelings of our loved ones, and they often struggle because of our distancing ourselves, or because of the fact that they feel powerless to help us.

Perhaps he needs counselling, perhaps you should attend together, but you should at least talk and be open and honest.

If anything, it's good that he talks to you and says things like that, rather than dealing with it in the way other men might, by going out and shagging the first woman who's willing.

I often wonder how things can work out when both people in a relationship have mental health issues. I guess the key is for each to seek help for themselves and support from someone outside the relationship until they can get through it to the point where they have the reserves to give to each other again. So it’s shit if one party won’t be proactive on that front and expects the other to continue to put their issues aside to support them. You can’t force your DH to get help, but he can’t expect you to take on his burden on top of your own either.

Dunno, OP. I’m in a similar state of affairs with my husband who needs serious counselling. Has for years but never did it. Post-baby I could feel it all getting on top of me and sought help for myself and have had to significantly detach from his issues for my own sake. After letting me take the weight of his issues for so long he reacted very badly that I would no longer drop everything for him. Yet he couldn’t even bring himself to give me a hug when I needed it the most. He never could.

And now we’re on the brink of divorce.

I find it highly suspicious that both times he’s had a crisis have been when you were pregnant and needed more support. Now you’re going through something, his feelings yet again seem to have to trump yours.

My mum died quickly too and had pancreatic cancer.
I’m really sorry you went through it too.

I can see why your husband is behaving the way he is, but at least you’re taking charge and getting yourself some help.

Good luck with it! It’s good you’re already aware that you’re not thinking rationally.

I can’t understand why you’ve liked like this for 10 years and nothing has helped yet, that’s really truly awful.

I really feel for you. Of course your husband should do more and be more sensitive to you, you're exhausted and depressed. However he too appears to be depressed.

If you and he can talk gently, in an affectionate manner, you may reach a compromise. For example, you said you have a freezer full of spag bol and the like, use that or get him to do it sometimes. Spag bol, pizza, garlic bread and a salad is easy to do and you could sit with him. In your place I would get myself ready for bed and come and sit with him comfortably, legs tucked up, for a while; even if you're dozing you'll be there.

Yes I know I have talked about placating him but a compromise means he must placate you too so suggest things. Baby steps for you both but where there's a will, there's a way. I really hope it works out and that he as well as you eventually have some good professional help.

It's a very sad situation, namechange, I have come across similar. It can change though.

It's not just about you though OP. Your DH sounds as if he's really struggling and your response to him is anger. Poor chap!

It's not just about you though OP. Your DH sounds as if he's really struggling and your response to him is anger. Poor chap!

I agree.

Those saying your DH needs to seek professional help as well; am I missing a part of the post?

He's wanting companionship and is living a lonely existence. What will professional help do for that? He wants his relationship with OP.

I agree he needs to pick up more practical chores but if he isn't getting one until almost 9pm, I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to go out all day and provide for the family and then pick up chores when home, to sit and have his dinner at 10pm. On the weekend he should share the load.

Hard as it is its not a competition and you both need support.
Having suffered depression myself i dont think he s acknowledging how bloody hard it is to function normally so getting up/washed/dressed and caring for kids leaves you permanently tired.
He needs to be supporting you there not dismissing your achievements.
However, i have also been on the other side caring for my adult son who had PTSD and depression and i felt the loneliest I have in my life. Walking on egg shells and lying to friends and family to protect him was very wearing.
I think your dh does need to admit how hard he s finding it and get some help (sounds like he s on the brink of depression himself).
Please don't follow a pp s advice to take illegal drugs. My dd is a mental health worker who supports a woman left with so many problems from LSD use that she cannot function or live independently.

My dh self medicates. I’m disabled, recovering from big surgeries and chronically ill. I get it.

You are allowed to be ill. I don’t think this is in dispute. But equally he is allowed to feel as though he’s lost everything. Having read your thread, I’ve just realised it’s a good job I’m married to my dh because he’s taken and dealt with far more than a lot would.

What I’ve discovered with my dh when I just can’t is that I tell him to do stuff is that I literally have to say I’m going to bed. You need to do x. I would feed myself in this circumstance or get him to bring up a carrot, piece of cheese, Peperami sausage etc.

You are so in your head that you are struggling. I physically can’t. Maybe if you bite sized what you did, you could. Would that help?

As for counselling for your dh you can’t make him go. You can only work on you.

*It's not just about you though OP. Your DH sounds as if he's really struggling and your response to him is anger. PoWhere do you get that from? Really struggling? Yeah with his house skivvy not performing up to usual standard, aww poor baby. The OP is practically on her knees and her husband belittles her mental health and does nothing to help.

I’ve always had a suspicion that the general consensus on MN is that the man’s mental health takes priority and this thread seems to confirm it. I read another one a while back about a man having to take his kids to school in the morning because the OP was depressed, but she was still doing everything else. She was told she was lucky her husband hadn’t left her! However a man can act like a complete prick and it’s allowed because he might be depressed.

I understand you're not well OP, but your DH also sounds like he has problems too. A lot of what you say is about what you DO, but he seems to need company, companionship and someone there for him. Sorry but I think you are too focussed on your own issues and seem to think he should be grateful to you for overcoming them. I am sure he's pleased you are pulling through, but he needs help too.

But that's the thing @Bibidy - he just doesn't take on more. He just wants me to be better so I can continue doing everything.

I might be misunderstanding this, but do you mean he also doesn't have a job?