About not being allowed to be ill?

[namechange46]

I have PTSD following the death of my mother ten years ago and am currently in period of my life where it has been triggered. So I am basically waking up in a panic every day, having frequent flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, and have become obsessed with the idea that I am going to die in the same way as my mother, very soon (she had pancreatic cancer). The last twelve months have been incredibly stressful and my body and mind are exhausted.

I am doing everything I can to try and beat this. I'm checking in with the GP. I'm taking venlafaxine and mirtazapine. I'm having a psyc assessment next week. I go to counselling every week. I have stopped drinking (I never drank much, but I know it's a depressant, so am avoiding it). I'm trying to go to bed early. I'm getting things done around the house, though admittedly not to the standard I used to. Dishes are in the dishwasher at night and there’s plenty of food in the fridge. We have enough clean clothes.

My two kids are fine. The big one is autistic and at a fantastic special school. The little one is with me during the day, but she's a reasonably easy toddler and happy to hang out at home or tag along with chores etc. Both kids are clean, fed, cuddled.

The issue I have is DH. His attitude to anything to do with my mental health is to dismiss it, or try to rationalise me out of it. That doesn't really work with PTSD.

Last night he was out working all day. I had the toddler with me. We picked up the big one from school. We had our tea. We gave out sweets to trick or treaters (that I had picked up from the supermarket that morning). I put them both to bed and had my dinner in front of the tv. I put the oven on for DH's dinner and put it in for him. He came in and I chatted to him for ten minutes, then I went to bed at about 9pm.

DH pours himself a huge glass of wine and I could hear him sniffing. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'I'm so lonely. This is so hard. I'm so down.'

He doesn't see what I've achieved. That I got through the day. That the kids were warm, happy and asleep. He sees me going off to bed and thinks I am rejecting him. I am tired of my mental health issues always becoming about him. He has had crises himself, both times when I was pregnant, and I supported him fully by listening to him, encouraging him, giving him opportunities to talk things through.

He’s drinking too much. Smoking. Staying in bed in the mornings while I get the big one up and out to school. I’m working so hard at being ok and I don’t see any effort from him.

I get no actual support. I am not allowed to be ill. He doesn’t think I have PTSD. He thinks I am ‘just anxious’. When I am ill it is a Big Problem. There is no encouragement or recognition of progress. Just ‘Well you need to do even better tomorrow’.

I am tired of being ill and I am tired of carrying him. I don’t know what to do any more.

I'm struggling to see what his problem is? The DC are taken care of, house cleaned, he comes home to dinner most of time but what, you want to go to bed at 9pm instead of staying up late entertaining him? Presumably you're up early with the DC anyway. I have experienced the same and the only thing that has helped is me trying to seek treatment myself and having individual and couples counselling. You've hit the nail on the head that You're not allowed to be ill because he will always try to be more ill and will never want to support you.

I don’t have any advice, it all sounds really tough and I do think men have a different way of dealing with things than women which can really get in the way with communication and frustrate relationships.

But I wanted to reply because I also lost my mum to pancreatic cancer and can totally understand how awful it is and the path of destruction it leaves. It is also hard to have children when you don’t have your mum around. Though I do think that many people don’t get it if they haven’t been through it - people just don’t seem to be able to comprehend.

I hope you can get the help you need and feel better soon

I hope things get better for you OP

It sounds as if you both need support and I'd suggest seeking it outside of each other, e.g. family members, counselling (as you're already doing), close friends.

Sometimes your partner just isn't the best person to give you support, simply because they don't have the energy/emotional capacity to offer it. My DH was hopeless after my Mum died, he just didn't know what to do (his whole family's rubbish with emotional support). So I turned to a close friend instead. She was much better at supporting me and I later supported her when she lost a family member.

I'd suggest talking to your DH and explaining that you're doing your best (and making progress) and you know he is as well - but you can't give any more to him right now. He needs to accept that you're dealing with PTSD and if he needs help as well, he needs to turn to another relative or friend. Things will get better, OP.

I am seeking support. He won't.

I have suggested he should several times. I have suggested he moderate his drinking. He doesn't want to know. He wants me back to normal and him to stay exactly as he is.

You carry on getting yourself better, then, and he'll have to come to the realisation himself.

It sounds tough. Just keep working on getting better and then see how you feel in 6 months. You obviously do not have the capacity to look after another adult as well as yourself and two DC.

Well done, OP, for tackling the disgusting attitude of the eye roller MH professional. I’m sick to death of the disgusting attitude of so many towards mental health, particularly cluster B PDs.

Thank you @isitpossibleto, I notice @aweedropofsancerre hasn't been back to apologise for their frankly disgusting attitude towards somebody clearly in pain. I may be ill but I will not be walked all over by the likes of them.

'It is your choice to be a SAHM'

I imagine that's a joint choice, agreed by both parents.

@aweedropofsancerre

This isn't Top Trumps.

GPatz, tbf, the same goes for the OP. Sancerre's also going through a tough time; if we think the OP should be cut some slack, then so should she be.

OP, you lost your mother in a hideous way, and for that I sympathise. The PP who suggested your dh's crises may be not-so-coincidentally coming along at times when support and attention should be properly directed at you may be right. But is that going to help you, now, in your situation? You sound furious at him, and lashing out elsewhere too. Do you need to add a marriage crisis to your MH one? Don't make things worse for yourself expecting something from him that, rightly or wrongly, he is not providing. Offer to go to counselling with him, but if he won't engage, concentrate on yourself. Your mother's end was terrible, but she wouldn't have wanted your family life to be blighted by it. Be as assertive in seeking the help you need for yourself (from the professionals) as you have been in seeking it for your child. Be kind to your dh, and ask him for kindness towards you while you weather this storm.

Agree with pps, no professional is going to be able to magically solve the cause of his loneliness. Or the fact that supporting someone with a mh problem is a very difficult role. Plus, he probably feels he doesn't have the option to be struggling with his mh when you're already ill, so he's burying his head in the sand and self medicating. I think you both need separate counselling and both need to be open to the fact the other is struggling.

Also don't think aweedrop deserves anything but sympathy and a break. It's a big ask to expect someone with a loved one going through cancer treatment to be supportive and sympathetic to someone in ops position.

No one asked aweedrop- they didn’t have to contribute anything. There is no rule that one must a) read and b) respond.

Have you tried professional bereavement counselling? Not a volunteer one. I worked for such a service and it was excellent for people in your position

Yeah, I get that isit. But it's not like she'd have known the content from the title. And there's no rule that people can only post if they're only going to be supportive.

OP, .

All you can do is tell your DH honestly

‘I am doing my very best to get better but I can’t do more than this right now. I’m sorry it’s tough on you, and I know you’re finding it hard, but I cannot do more at the moment. If you can make practical suggestions that will help we can discuss them but I can’t solve any emotional problems for you right now. I just don’t have the reserves to do that.’

he probably feels he doesn't have the option to be struggling with his mh when you're already ill, so he's burying his head in the sand and self medicating. I think you both need separate counselling and both need to be open to the fact the other is struggling.

The thing about this is that he’s definitely not ‘feeling like he has no option to be struggling’ - he’s absolutely making his struggle the OP’s problem when she’s begged him to get counselling for himself. He’s not burying his head in the sand about anything - he’s sitting in the sandpit having a pity party because no one (ie OP) is thinking about what he wants.

He’s not being thoughtful of her. It is absolutely the hardest thing to support someone with MH issues, I do agree ... but this is quite short-term (3-4 months), PTSD is overwhelming and OP is doing heroically to carry on as main childcarer to an ASD 5 year old and an under 2, and he is an adult ... he can cook tea or come up with solutions to make things work better. He needs to be responsible for his own feelings and not lay it on the person who is struggling more.

It’s the circle of care, isn’t it? Look outward for support not to the person who’s suffering more.

And OP is suffering more, if PTSD is constant and overwhelming.

GPatz yes.. But the final choice is very much up to the person who is staying at home.

Being a mum is hard. Being a mum with mental health issues is even harder. I'm fine mentally. I do have my down in the dumps days. I occasionally feel anxious and panic a little due to having two small kids and no help other than my oh who will rks crazy hours.

I pretty much seem to be putting the kids to bed and falling asleep. I am absolutely shattered. I have no desire to go back downstairs and watch EastEnders or have a chat. I really just need my sleep. I honestly think once you've done the school runs and looked after the kids etc you just need a rest. There is no reason he can't come and cuddle up in bed with you. It is important to try occasionally and be a couple but it's hard. It needs to work both ways too.

I'm really sorry that you suffer still from horrible memories of loosing your mum. That's so sad. My lovely friend lost her mum to cancer last year and she struggles alot too. I don't think her hubby always understood her pain. He used to tell her she had to be strong for her son. She was always strong for him but her feelings were real and do matter. I don't have any super tips really. I just wanted to say I understand how exhausted you must be xx

I think this is a very tough situation for both involved and I think you both need to support each other. I can see where both of you are coming from. But it shouldn't be a competition of who needs support the most or who is more ill - OP you don't really sound like you like the responses people have gave here regarding your husband. Are you happy with him? It sounds like you aren't and you're fed up with being with him, to be honest. You've got to decide if being with him is the 'easier' choice, or whether you do love him and this is just a sticky patch to work through.

squirrels you might be right, none of us are there to know exactly how both are feeling. But by that token we also don't know that he's in anymore of a position than op to be coming up with solutions, or anymore capable than op of doing so. Or whether his efforts to carry on working are just as heroic as ops.

I know, one side of the story and all that, Welsh.

But PTSD is absolutely awful and can be debilitating. I do think that’s getting underplayed on this thread.

'That’s not meant to be insensitive, but it is how your condition will be viewed from those who have to witness it.'

That doesn't mean they're right, however. There is lots of misunderstanding even about physical health issues, and much more about mental health issues. A few hundred years ago, mental health issues were often viewed as due to demonic possession - that doesn't mean they were. In WW1, some soldiers who couldn't cope due to PTSD were shot for 'cowardice' - that doesn't mean that this was correct. I am sure that some people have misunderstood your lack of energy due to heart problems, or mine due to Crohns, or someone else's due to MS, etc as sheer laziness - that doesn't mean they're correct.The OP has a genuine, if hopefully temporary, illness, just like those who are physically ill.

Best wishes for your own health.

The way I read it is that the op is working hard to get herself better. Shes trying hard not to let it affect her childrens lives or their home life. Her husband is too busy self pitying himself and the op gets blasted for not supporting him!! Someone actually has used the term "poor bloke"

Concentrate on yourself and your children op. He may need help but he's going to have to figure this one out for himself.