Would this annoy you - pre teen sleepover related

[iwantavuvezela]

So my DD is having a sleepover - all girls, 12-13 years old. I’m used to a big sleepover , grin and bear it! Earlier I prepared pre trick and treat snacks, then made them a meal, they went out trick and treating, then watched a movie.
However I have just gone down to find that some of her friends have taken it upon themselves to start cooking pasta and a sauce! I don’t know why but I feel annoyed!

I would never expect that my DD would do this at someone’s house - and feel strangely put out by this. AIBU? Genuinely asking!

I think it's totally reasonable for you to feel annoyed, OP. It's disrespectful to use something which is a potential hazard without permission. If your dd wasn't able to speak up and at least go ask you for your permission, it's definitely not right.
But actual cooking pasta is totally fine at that age, rather than demanding you to cook something for them.

Blimey, I wouldn't for a moment consider cooking and using the food at someone else's house without asking first, and I would be astonished if my children did this too.

Yeah, I don't think much of this new friend.

Yeah, that friend doesn't come again. Mocking a family member's accent to annoy/upset your DD and encouraging others to do the same would do it even without the liberties she took in your kitchen!

Texting from a sleepover your DD wasn't invited to is just plain spiteful, too.

I hope you smiled sweetly and hoped she enjoyed her visit to DD's home... (sub-text: ... because you won't be invited back.)

Is anyone in the household bi-lingual? It would be great to have them discuss the un-friend with DGM in front of the mean child in Polish/Spanish/Norwegian with looks, gestures and laughter. Nothing makes people feel more unsettled than not knowing what's being said.

That would be too mean and you're way too nice to actually do it - and so am I - but it's a strangely satisfying scenario all the same.

I think you are being a bit odd. It just food, they havent gone in your room and put on your knickers. They are guests and should eat if they are hungry.

I really dont understand some peoples weirdness about food and reluctance to share. Its very territorial and animalistic.

This friend sounds like a right madam

Beaverdam, to me, you sound more odd to me. Asking and eating something is fine. But it's a basic courtesy to ask first at someone else's house. If some of my dc's mates opened our cupboard or fridge and started eating without asking, I will judge them.

Beaver dam - the last thing I wanted to be was territorial over food - I had hoped that my post portrayed more an expression of my own unease and therefore asking for opions around this - the food itself was not the problem at all, I did try and say that in my post, but perhaps I was not clear. It was a feeling I had , of unease, or annoyance ... I also wrote a later post where I explained where my annoyance stems from - as I said before I don’t want to make a mountain of this, really not my intention, but I reached out to a community to test my thoughts and many of the responses guided me in my DD,s own responsibility , her been clear with her friends (which she was not) and what I should do about that with her - that was really useful and has helped me see how I need to speak and guide my own DD - It was not the food per se.

Yeah I think that’s weird. But maybe they asked your DD beforehand?

I would be really annoyed! If there is food in the cupboard that requires cooking it will probably be for a planned meal. I'd expect to be asked anyway and probably would say no - I dont want the kitchen messed up, have some biscuits etc.

I agree - what a rude madam. Doesn't sound like she's very nice to your daughter either.

They are guests and should eat if they are hungry.

Yes so you might grab an apple from a fruit bowl or something (and probably still ask beforhand) - since when has it become normal for guests to start randomly going off on their own and cooking in the kitchen

Yeah, don't invite her back and be frank when addressing their pretty racist and xenophobic behaviour to DD. How does she feel about the sleepover texts etc? I suppose they are at an age where it's important to figure these things out be themselves but I wouldn't encourage this friendship.

People who are saying they think it's fine and it's lovely the girls feel so comfortable in OP's house - if you were visiting a friend, would you just wander into their kitchen and cook yourself a meal? Especially after your friend had already served you a meal?

I think it's quite rude - not the worst thing anyone could do, I grant you, but they are:

a. taking liberties with your food and equipment
b. implying your hospitality as offered is inadequate

Not polite behaviour and at 12/13 surely they are old enough to know that.

YABU. 12 year olds don’t consider family food budgets and whether pasta and sauce would decimate the budget!

The issue here is your dd not being able to say ‘guys, please don’t start cooking, let me check it’s ok with Mum/Dad first’.

That girl is not friend, that's for sure.
She's a rude little bully mocking and accent.

Lots of sleepovers here, over the years. I would consider someone starting to cook, very rude.

Also a big pot of boiling water for pasta is dangerous IMO.

I honestly cannot imagine a single teen that has been in this house behaving in such a manner.

OP, it's a great opportunity to discuss boundaries with your DD. 💐

It wasn't about them being hungry (though it sounds like they had already eaten plenty before and shouldn't have been hungry). If they had asked and been satisfied with a quick and easy snack (like crackers or cereal), that would have been fine.

It sounds like the problem was that this friend wanted to show off for the others (and assert her position as "alpha"). No matter what your age, it's not normal for a guest to start going through their host's cupboards and whipping up a meal, unless you've been granted permission to do so.

That one needs watching.
She's not kind and she's establishing a pecking order

I had hoped that my post portrayed more an expression of my own unease and therefore asking for opions around this... I reached out to a community to test my thoughts and many of the responses guided me in my DD,s own responsibility...

FWIW I think you asked your question very clearly and took responses on board very thoughtfully. I think your daughter’s lucky in her mum, maybe not so much in her new friends!

Can’t believe someone above just said it’s ‘territorial and animalistic’ to not Want someone using your kitchen! Pretty sure the point wasn’t the food here but the sheer rudeness of just going into someone’s kitchen and preparing something without permission.

the sheer rudeness of just going into someone’s kitchen and preparing something without permission

TBF we still don't know if they asked the OP's daughter if they could or not.

Maybe my response was a bit off as i have read quite a few odd things on here regarding food and i just dont understand why some people are so territorial over it. Its just so different how i grew up and how i treat guests thats all. Cooking in my kitchen honestly doesnt bother me aslong as they clean up after.

Maybe she asked your daughter and your daughter said go ahead.

If she just wondered downstairs alone and started cooking without your daughters permission then thats a bit weird but nothing to kick up a fuss about. It doesnt sound like she chose anything really expensive either as pasa and sauce is onpy 50p in asda.

Really rude.
I would probably say that it's fine that they're cooking but tell them to ask me next time 🤷‍♀️

beavernan would you really stay at someone’s house eat dinner then at midnight go to their kitchen and start cooking yourself pasta?
It says a lot about the attitude of the girl(s). About the DD being uneasy. That’s why OP feels unsure.
OP I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging this friendship (esp given the low level bullying) and whilst you can’t determine DDs friends you can help her negotiate this difficult time. Please encourage her not to tolerate this as it will only get worse... I’ve 3 DDs & know it never gets better!