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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this annoy you - pre teen sleepover related

105 replies

iwantavuvezela · 31/10/2019 23:57

So my DD is having a sleepover - all girls, 12-13 years old. I’m used to a big sleepover , grin and bear it! Earlier I prepared pre trick and treat snacks, then made them a meal, they went out trick and treating, then watched a movie.
However I have just gone down to find that some of her friends have taken it upon themselves to start cooking pasta and a sauce! I don’t know why but I feel annoyed!

I would never expect that my DD would do this at someone’s house - and feel strangely put out by this. AIBU? Genuinely asking!

OP posts:
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 10:12

Aw I think it’s nice! I’d prefer my pre-teens in a group hanging out somewhere safe and feeling comfortable to cook themselves up a bit of pasta when they’re hungry. At their age, having places they can hang out nicely together is so important, stops you worrying about where they are!! I honestly would just make sure I left some foods they can help themselves to in one specific place next time and make sure your DD knows so she can guide them. Pasta, crumpets, crispss, fruit, anything they cansnack on!

Wildorchidz · 01/11/2019 10:17

I’d be having words with anyone who came in to my house and did this.

Really? Sure fire way to embarrass your daughter and make sure her friends won’t be coming to your house again
Pick your battles is my advice.

PullingMySocksUp · 01/11/2019 10:20

I would worry that they were doing it to make a point to your DD that they were in charge.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/11/2019 10:20

That wouldn't annoy me at all. If you have a rule in your house about not cooking then it was up to your DD to tell her friends they weren't allowed any pasta. Surely most 12-13 year olds are more than capable of deciding whether or not they're hungry and whether they want pasta and cooking it up themselves. It's up to the host child to communicate if you have very strict food rules in your house.

Imreallytrying · 01/11/2019 10:21

I’d be quite pleased that they felt comfortable. I’ve always lived in an open cupboard house, my friends and I used to cook at my parents house throughout the summer holiday, pizzas, pasta, cakes biscuits. My mum loved that we experimented. No on if there is a food budget though.

Monkeynuts18 · 01/11/2019 10:24

It’s bad manners not to ask first. But it seems to me that the real issue is that your DD didn’t seem comfortable with it! If it was the sort of situation where your DD had said ‘let’s cook something, my mum won’t mind’ then I don’t think I’d be too bothered. But if these girls were pressuring your DD into agreeing to let them do something she wasn’t comfortable with then that’s a problem (even if it was just cooking pasta)! I agree that you should speak to DD to find out what her role in it was.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/11/2019 10:24

What most parents of teenagers I know do is make it clear what food is acceptable and what food isn't to use up when they have friends round. I wouldn't want a gaggle of teenagers eating the entire roast chicken I'd planned for Sunday lunch or glugging through four litres of freshly squeezed orange juice but on the other hand teenagers get hungry on sleepovers. They're not 5 year olds they should have food available to grab for themselves. When I have house guests over I certainly let them know they can help themselves it would be very stingy to leave them hungry! Just let DD know what they can and can't help themselves to and insist they clean up after themselves.

my2bundles · 01/11/2019 10:24

Pasta and sauce isnt what I would consider a snack, it's another meal. Surely they could haveasked if tjeu could make a snack of toast etc not helped themselves to a second meal. That's the rude part.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/11/2019 10:27

Meh pasta and sauce is generally considered cheap ballast for kids. At sleepovers when they're up late they get hungry and it's actually easier for them to cook up some pasta than eat through all the bread or crisps etc. Unless they made a huge mess I don't see the issue.

my2bundles · 01/11/2019 10:28

It's not meh when you have budgeted and that Pasta and sauce is tomorrow's family main meal.

Grandadwasthatyou · 01/11/2019 10:36

I would find this disrespectful and would be mortified if my dd did this in a friend's house without checking with the parents first.
I don't think it's a matter of budget etc, just common decency and respect in someone else's home.

Idontlikeitsomuch · 01/11/2019 10:40

My quick snack when I was a student was pasta with ketchup and granulated onion. Quick, cheap and filling. I fancy that now.

MintyMabel · 01/11/2019 10:54

Really? Sure fire way to embarrass your daughter and make sure her friends won’t be coming to your house again

DD would be angry about it too. She would want me to step in if they weren’t listening to her. She would be mortified if her friends behaved like that. We had one kid helped himself to chocolate from our cupboard. She told him not to, he didn’t listen, she got upset, I told him off. He still comes here and they are still good friends.

Pick your battles is my advice.

A battle worth picking. Letting her see her friends was walking over me, not standing up for what is right, keeping quiet to keep the peace are not lessons I want her to learn.

MintyMabel · 01/11/2019 10:55
  • random “was” snuck in there....
MintyMabel · 01/11/2019 11:01

I would worry that they were doing it to make a point to your DD that they were in charge.

Same. Most decent friends would say to their DD “hey xx, we’re hungry, can we raid the kitchen for food” If they just went and did it they don’t respect their friend.

helpfulperson · 01/11/2019 11:24

To me it sounds like typical teenage thoughtlessness. They wanted to do it a and the fact that it was someone elses kitchen, food etc probably didnt occur to them.

I would have said something to them about why they need to ask - politeness, food maybe being needed etc and left it at that.

JacksonPillock · 01/11/2019 11:36

Only on MN would anyone see this as normal behaviour.

I was gonna say only on MN would people get so annoyed about this. People on here seem to get annoyed very easily.

OP obviously if it's part of some weird power dynamic and they ignored your DD asking them not to or something, then that's a cause for concern. But for all we know, they asked if they could make some food and she said yes go ahead. Cooking pasta in and of itself isn't particularly something to be annoyed about IMO.

my2bundles · 01/11/2019 11:37

Not typical teenage thoughtlessness no. Most do understand basic manners and understand you carnt just do whatever you want in someone else's house. It's not thoughtlessness it's rude behaviour from someone who actually does have the awareness but chooses to ignore it.

LynetteScavo · 01/11/2019 12:54
  • there is some weird power play with this group of friends as well.

Indeed. If your DD hadn't wanted to cook as well it's odd behaviour.

RedskyToNight · 01/11/2019 12:59

I expect DD agreed to it and then had second thoughts because she realised you wouldn't be happy? Otherwise, when they got up to cook, why would she not have said something?

I wouldn't have a problem with this - my DC know what food is fair game is they get peckish and that would extend to visiting friends.

Lindy2 · 01/11/2019 13:04

I'd assume they are doing it to feel quite grown up. It's a little presumptuous but not the end of the world.

When I opened the post I thought you were going to say they had raided the drinks cabinet. Now that really would be very annoying.

HowlinProwlin · 01/11/2019 13:20

My concern would be that these girls are not really friends and are pushing your DD around a bit!

BlouseAndSkirt · 01/11/2019 13:55

Only on MN would anyone see this as normal behaviour MN-ers do also live in the real world you know.

None of my fellow teen-owners would get overly uptight about this.

Pasta and basic sauce (the OP has said the cost / availability is not an issue for her) is cheaper than some of the suggestions made on this thread - yogurts / cheese and crackers / biscuits.

It may be that your Dd would have been more comfortable saying to her friends 'hang on, I just need to check with my Mum' - but what are you going to say to teens who have been out and abut, come home and watched a film? "no, you're not having any ore food"?

Of course it is a serious issue if you have budgetted for that pasta and sauce, but if you are hosting a significant sleepover in the first place I would guess that is not the case.

Teens always get it in the neck Sad

Honeyroar · 01/11/2019 14:04

Id have told them that they were being a bit rude and should have known it's polite to ask first, but then helped them. I actually wouldn't care if it lost my daughter friends, she sounded uneasy about them doing that herself, and I'd prefer her to hang around with polite friends anyway!

Original poster
iwantavuvezela · 01/11/2019 14:31

Thanks for all the feedback! To be fair my DD,s friends are made to feel welcome and some that I have known since 5 who see our house as a second home would either yell up to me that they were hungry, do it with DD or help themselves. I would have no problem with this, they know me, the house etc. I want DD,s friends to feel comfortable and relaxed when with us.

I think I was taken aback as this was a new friend who I have met only 2-3 times. Dd felt unsure and I think this has shown me that I need to talk with her so that she is aware of her own boundaries and can express it. So it was a very small incident I don’t want to blow it out of proportion, but it has allowed me to speak to DD about making sure she is comfortable doing things, and this will be more important as she gets older and behaviour and choices that are made will have different consequences. So that is a good outcome!

I think I perhaps reacted as I did (annoyed!) as there has been some banter ( or I would say low level bullying) from this friend to DD. For e.g. DD,s grandmother comes from a European country and some of the girls have been constantly speaking in this “accent” of DD,s grandmother around her - or having a sleepover without DD (this is not the issue DD is well aware that different groups meet at different times, she herself does this) but then texting her relentlessly whilst having the sleepover, using said accent etc. So I guess I was feeling a bit wary of this friend and felt she was overstepping the mark!

OP posts: