I know people will read this thinking "Well she must just be a twat" but I honestly throughout my life tried so hard to be nice and kind to people and also funny, friendly etc but it never seemed to go anywhere.
I was very shy in primary school, didn't speak at all for the first 2 years (selective mutism, I wish I could remember why I chose to be like that) though I did still have friends who included me. Eventually I came out of it and while I was quiet throughout primary school, I eventually became like all of the other kids.
Moved to another town for secondary and there was only one girl who I clicked with who left in Year 9, I never had friends after that. There would be times were I'd get talking to someone and it would look promising but then after a while during conversations it would die after I said something, they stopped saying hi to me etc. This happened a few times. I don't understand it, I wasn't one of the oddballs. I loved the typical stuff all of the popular girls like, went in every day in make-up with my hair done etc. Loved fashion and music and boys. Yet nobody ever engaged with me about it. Only time I got bothered with at school was with lads who had a sexual interest.
Went to college optimistic having been told by everyone I'd make loads of friends, the same thing happened. A group was formed in the first few weeks (none of them knew each other beforehand) and originally they seemed interested in me but eventually the group really solidified and they forgot about me. I remember thinking I hadn't been outgoing enough and added them all on Facebook and only one or two added me back. The course we were on had 2 groups and I remember one day overhearing they were all moving to the other group. Later on in the group chat I said something along the lines of "Has the teacher rearranged the groups? Who's going?" and they all read it and none replied. I phrased it in a way that sounded like I'd heard it from someone else and was curious about who was going rather than me trying to work out if it was to do with me. The groupchat went dead after that, they must have made a new one without me in it. In my second year at college a new girl joined, I went to sit next to her one day. I said "Hi," thinking we could chat and she just said bluntly "Do you ever smile?". It really hurt me. It eventually turned out that a lot of people on my course thought I didn't like them. It really hurt, and I cried a lot about it. There was nobody I actively disliked on the course, they were all nice. Whenever I saw someone struggling with work I would try and help, I always said hello when seeing them in the corridoors and yet nobody made the effort with me. I eventually realized people were frightened of me. I have never had any conflict with anyone in my life.
Work was the same. Never invited to works dos etc because apparently I look as though I don't want to be invited. I'm engaged now with a baby on the way now and I think the only reason my partner stuck with me is because we met online and so he got to know me before seeing my miserable mug in person. Dreading baby getting here and then having to go through it all again at baby group and the school playground etc.
I think I'm just intimidating. Yet there's that once in a blue moon person who says I'm funny and kind and great company once they get to know me. I feel so upset that I seem to carry around this bad atmosphere.