To wonder why nobody likes me?

[thornfortea]

I know people will read this thinking "Well she must just be a twat" but I honestly throughout my life tried so hard to be nice and kind to people and also funny, friendly etc but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I was very shy in primary school, didn't speak at all for the first 2 years (selective mutism, I wish I could remember why I chose to be like that) though I did still have friends who included me. Eventually I came out of it and while I was quiet throughout primary school, I eventually became like all of the other kids.

Moved to another town for secondary and there was only one girl who I clicked with who left in Year 9, I never had friends after that. There would be times were I'd get talking to someone and it would look promising but then after a while during conversations it would die after I said something, they stopped saying hi to me etc. This happened a few times. I don't understand it, I wasn't one of the oddballs. I loved the typical stuff all of the popular girls like, went in every day in make-up with my hair done etc. Loved fashion and music and boys. Yet nobody ever engaged with me about it. Only time I got bothered with at school was with lads who had a sexual interest.

Went to college optimistic having been told by everyone I'd make loads of friends, the same thing happened. A group was formed in the first few weeks (none of them knew each other beforehand) and originally they seemed interested in me but eventually the group really solidified and they forgot about me. I remember thinking I hadn't been outgoing enough and added them all on Facebook and only one or two added me back. The course we were on had 2 groups and I remember one day overhearing they were all moving to the other group. Later on in the group chat I said something along the lines of "Has the teacher rearranged the groups? Who's going?" and they all read it and none replied. I phrased it in a way that sounded like I'd heard it from someone else and was curious about who was going rather than me trying to work out if it was to do with me. The groupchat went dead after that, they must have made a new one without me in it. In my second year at college a new girl joined, I went to sit next to her one day. I said "Hi," thinking we could chat and she just said bluntly "Do you ever smile?". It really hurt me. It eventually turned out that a lot of people on my course thought I didn't like them. It really hurt, and I cried a lot about it. There was nobody I actively disliked on the course, they were all nice. Whenever I saw someone struggling with work I would try and help, I always said hello when seeing them in the corridoors and yet nobody made the effort with me. I eventually realized people were frightened of me. I have never had any conflict with anyone in my life.

Work was the same. Never invited to works dos etc because apparently I look as though I don't want to be invited. I'm engaged now with a baby on the way now and I think the only reason my partner stuck with me is because we met online and so he got to know me before seeing my miserable mug in person. Dreading baby getting here and then having to go through it all again at baby group and the school playground etc.

I think I'm just intimidating. Yet there's that once in a blue moon person who says I'm funny and kind and great company once they get to know me. I feel so upset that I seem to carry around this bad atmosphere.

Well you sound lovely - you just haven’t met your tribe yet 😁

You sound like you’ve been surrounded by 9 year olds for too long.

You know, I've often wondered if I'm autistic but my older brother is and my mum is adamant that I'm not.

You may find it easier to meet people, with a baby. I think there is a big societal pressure on people to have tons of 'friends'...yet not all friends turn out to be real friends as posters here can relate to. The media push this idea of normal adulthood having a group of friends to go out with...like sex in the city type thing. The reality is that lots of people don't have any friends, or many....or they may not like the friends they have. You are not alone in feeling rejected or isolated. Hopefully parenthood will open opportunities for friendships to develop were you have shared interests.

I have developed a resting bitch face as I've got older, stress and natural slack. I look ever so stern and grumpy, I'm aware it's made me invisible at best, otherwise fairly unapproachable. I try and combat it by being smiley whenever talking to people and sounding cheerful. Quite frankly it's exhausting.

I have resting bitch face too!

You’re not alone in this, my life is a similar story. I didn’t have this problem at work thank goodness but otherwise I feel like people get sick of me after about 6-12 months I’m not loud. I’m not opinionated

I did wonder about autism but didn’t think it was the right thing to say... perhaps people are unnerved by what they perceive as acting different from what they see as “normal”? Have you made any recent attempts to make friends?

Have you taken an online test for autism OP? It's generic and presents very differently in girls so you may not be like your brother but may be still on the spectrum. Why not give it a go, it may answer some questions for you.

Genetic, not generic, sorry!

Have just done an autism test and have 10 out of the 60 markers on the test...so "very unlikely" according to the site. I also had therapy when I had a depressive phase as a teenager and it never came up. In a way I wish I was so I'd have an explanation.

I’m really very sorry OP that you have gone through this in your life 😔 you sound like you have some insecurities, I would start exploring those with some therapy as a starting point. Is a massive cliche but if you don’t love yourself, how will anybody else? It’s very true. I was insanely insecure and shy all throughout school and I know I had quite bad social skills because of this so it was probably quite hard to get to know me. I also went to therapy and worked on my own self confidence and my life has changed massively in the last 6-8 years (got a new job where I made great new mates for life, got married and had a baby). I was unhappy for much of my teens and early 20s but it really is never too late for things to brighten up and change for the better.

I would also look at the possibility you may have Aspergers which is apparently very hard to diagnose in girls/women as it’s much less ‘obvious’ so to speak.

I wish you lots of luck and congratulations on your impending arrival x

ah you sound lovely... you just haven't met the right people yet x

I wonder how reliable that test is, thornfortea. You may possibly have autistic traits that are impacting your friendships. I think you’d need a thorough specialist assessment to know for sure, but I don’t know how easy this is to get.

It might be that you've got some ASD traits. I think folks on the spectrum don't mean to be self focused but are more just in their own heads lots of the time. As PP's have said, really focusing on others, asking about their lives and being genuinely interested goes a long way. Join a couple of ante natal classes as a great way to meet other expecting mums. Best of of luck.

I think I probably have autistic traits but I'm not actually autistic if that makes any sense? Or it's very mild and a combination of that and my personality. I do 2 cousins with Aspergers (brothers autism is a completely different type) and they have various challenges that don't apply to me, such as panic attacks when in new places, struggling to cope with their jobs etc. I don't really get anxiety as such, more just a bit down about not having friends. Both of my Aspergers cousins are lovely and do seem to have a social life.

God, life is complicated isn't it.

Could it be that your that anxious about how people perceive you that it’s making you appear rigid or ‘resting bitch Face’? Try to relax and not overthink.

I used to be so shy, awkward & socially clumsy as a child but I have come out of myself.... Well deep down I’m still that person but for work I have to be able to communicate With people really well & I’m actually known as the ‘bubbly’ one. Here are a few tips that I think help when I have to chat to people.

1. I always make customers relax by asking them loads of questions about themselves (people love talking about themselves & it flatters them that you have an interest in them). Think about questions you could ask people and have them stored in your head in case tour mind goes blank in the moment.

2. The customers I find hardest to communicate with are those who give one word answers to questions. If the conversations lulls and you can’t think of what else to say ask them a question.

3. next time you meet somebody ask them about what you last spoke about “how’s kids etc”, people are also flattered that you remembered facts about them.

4. give genuine compliments

5. don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself

Hope this helps and isn’t too obvious xx

I'm like this, and as other PPs have said, with time and consultant input I've realised it's autistic traits. This helps me not to blame myself so much, as I know I try my best, and if I do badly I try to dust myself off and just try again with someone else.

The rejections have left me with personality disorder traits, which don't help.

I saw a therapist and she kind of said to think back to the friendships and relationships you did and do have. You had these friends at school, those at work etc- it's easy to focus on the idea you have/had no friends when in fact it isn't true. Look at the people around you that do like you- you have a fiance etc, and no doubt other people.

I have resting bitch face too OP. Ive seen it in photos where I've been caught unawares - and people have sad "oh my god, what upset you!" but I remember being fine and happy! There's even a photo like that on my sodding wedding day

It can be cured with practice - you have to practice a new `"neutral" face with a half smile on it. And actively smile when you speak to people. It can be done - I mean, obviously don't around grinning like a simpleton - but just practise different facial expressions in the mirror

You have a partner and a lovely baby on the way! That's great! Try to put unfortunate school/college experiences behind you now - and just look for people you can easily chat to, and have stuff in common with - don't put pressure on yourself. Don't feel you have to be part of a social 'group' - just be you, and relax.

Your dp obviously thinks a lot of you. Could you ask him what attracted him to you in the first place, and from your first few dates, what did he honestly think of you? Did he feel you were a little awkward, or moody or a little unapproachable. He clearly saw plenty of excellent qualities in you and still does, but it might be good honest feed back for you, both positive and negative x

I eventually realized people were frightened of me

How did you realise that ? Did someone tell you they were frightened of you ? I'ts just an extreme thing to say .

I'd agree that you probably have resting bitch face. I've got it too and I know it's unattractive and puts people off.

Practice looking in the mirror and assuming a friendly-looking facial expression if you want to change things.

Hi OP sorry I haven't read the full thread but wanted to touch on autism. Please be aware that it presents completely differently in girls than it does in boys. It is incredibly rare for women to have been diagnosed. Reading your first post I thought 'I wonder if she's on the spectrum' and the fact it runs in your family, I'd probably put money on it, especially with the selective mutism as a child. If you are, you are probably not picking up on social queues like neurotypical people do. It is a shame you haven't had support and therapy to help you along the way. One of my friends was recently diagnosed and it was like a lightning bolt of realisation for all of us. She says really rude and hurtful things, but now we realise she had no way to know they were inappropriate. Tbh I found her hard to live with and almost ditch her for being so rude many times. Now that I know she is autistic I will be much more understanding rather than push her away. I would maybe go to your gp to see if there's any way you can try to be tested, and join autism groups on Facebook (they can be amazingly supportive!)

@TheFesteredStiff has kind of just given a very good example of what I was alluding to....

I wonder op if you lack some of the social cues due to your selective mutism. So where little girls and boys are playing and learning to take turns in conversation you were not doing that and this then impacted upon your ability to turn take in conversation. It is a very subtle thing but knowing when to pause, for how long and when to then speak are all vital to enhancing conversation.

Don’t believe Facebook etc as everyone makes out they have more friends than they do!

Having a baby will open doors for you - go to groups and get to know other mums. I met lots of other mums, I didn’t take it personally when they didn’t meet up/keep in touch. Eventually you’ll find other mums to meet up x