To wonder why nobody likes me?

[thornfortea]

I know people will read this thinking "Well she must just be a twat" but I honestly throughout my life tried so hard to be nice and kind to people and also funny, friendly etc but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I was very shy in primary school, didn't speak at all for the first 2 years (selective mutism, I wish I could remember why I chose to be like that) though I did still have friends who included me. Eventually I came out of it and while I was quiet throughout primary school, I eventually became like all of the other kids.

Moved to another town for secondary and there was only one girl who I clicked with who left in Year 9, I never had friends after that. There would be times were I'd get talking to someone and it would look promising but then after a while during conversations it would die after I said something, they stopped saying hi to me etc. This happened a few times. I don't understand it, I wasn't one of the oddballs. I loved the typical stuff all of the popular girls like, went in every day in make-up with my hair done etc. Loved fashion and music and boys. Yet nobody ever engaged with me about it. Only time I got bothered with at school was with lads who had a sexual interest.

Went to college optimistic having been told by everyone I'd make loads of friends, the same thing happened. A group was formed in the first few weeks (none of them knew each other beforehand) and originally they seemed interested in me but eventually the group really solidified and they forgot about me. I remember thinking I hadn't been outgoing enough and added them all on Facebook and only one or two added me back. The course we were on had 2 groups and I remember one day overhearing they were all moving to the other group. Later on in the group chat I said something along the lines of "Has the teacher rearranged the groups? Who's going?" and they all read it and none replied. I phrased it in a way that sounded like I'd heard it from someone else and was curious about who was going rather than me trying to work out if it was to do with me. The groupchat went dead after that, they must have made a new one without me in it. In my second year at college a new girl joined, I went to sit next to her one day. I said "Hi," thinking we could chat and she just said bluntly "Do you ever smile?". It really hurt me. It eventually turned out that a lot of people on my course thought I didn't like them. It really hurt, and I cried a lot about it. There was nobody I actively disliked on the course, they were all nice. Whenever I saw someone struggling with work I would try and help, I always said hello when seeing them in the corridoors and yet nobody made the effort with me. I eventually realized people were frightened of me. I have never had any conflict with anyone in my life.

Work was the same. Never invited to works dos etc because apparently I look as though I don't want to be invited. I'm engaged now with a baby on the way now and I think the only reason my partner stuck with me is because we met online and so he got to know me before seeing my miserable mug in person. Dreading baby getting here and then having to go through it all again at baby group and the school playground etc.

I think I'm just intimidating. Yet there's that once in a blue moon person who says I'm funny and kind and great company once they get to know me. I feel so upset that I seem to carry around this bad atmosphere.

I am like you op! Never been all that popular. My dh calls me a lone wolf in a pack of one! I made some good friends after I had my first baby (went to this breastfeeding group and a few village hall type ones) its a good start because you all have a baby in common but then you can move onto other topics and arrange meeting elsewhere. But I am forty now. Really do love doing my own thing! Not trying to please people. Just being myself. Enjoy my kids and dh. I would just develop your own interests too and then you will make friends through that. I think you sound great op!

Are you very attractive or slim? I noticed more women wanted to be friends with me when I got older and fatter. The reverse is true of men, obvs.

Sometimes it is just history repeating itself. I was bullied in my family so later in life other people have done the same to me. I must give off 'bully me' vibes.

You sound like a nice person to me.

DBML i have banter and teasing with my female friends😏

we never talk about soap operas or schools 🙄

I'll be your friend OP if you live near me 😃

Someone's told me yesterday that I'm their favourite mum (staff member at holiday club) because I'm so smiley and friendly, I thought I was a misery guts so that was a surprise!

Anyway over the years some of the best people I've known have been those with a resting bitch face who I initially didn't take to because they looked so unfriendly but upon getting to know them turned out to be amazing.

If you do have rbf not much you can do about it. Just persevere.

Would anyone who is in this position friendless, or has always struggled with friendships, but is married, or has a boyfriend/girlfriend on the thread like to explain how they see the difference?

Personally, I think there's often an interest mismatch or a sense of humour mismatch or a chattiness/intensity mismatch. The difference is that this disappoints people like the OP whereas I'm more likely to think, "Thank goodness for that."

In case anyone is wondering what I said that I now see got deleted, StartsAtTheMeadow quotes all of it but the bit where I displayed my irritation and was rude to the OP (thank you). The quoted bit, I stand by.

I have always had comments that I am stuck up, think I'm better than others, have a "fuck off" vibe etc. since a teenager. I have never been able to make friends easily and people often forget they've met me before. People I consider friends are people who been almost forced into more contact with me (officemates, friends of my husband) and they don't number very many. I can't read people, it's something I've had to learn. I also realised in the last couple of years that I don't look people in the face a lot of the time. I don't know where to look. And I never look at who's in a car, for example, just at the car. So people think I'm blanking them and that I'm odd. I don't really know what to say to people I don't know very well. If someone asks me a question, I find it hard to remember to ask them in turn. I was always getting sacked from bar and waiting work, because I could fake friendly and outgoing long enough to get through the interview, but I'd always get let go pretty soon for being "not the right fit".

Fortunately I work in a field with a lot of people like me, so I guess I don't stand out as much as I used to at work. But for hobbies and I always ask if someone wants to do stuff with me, I never get asked. Makes me feel embarrassed to ask all the time.

I've found a way through it and you will too.

People can be complete dicks about shy people.

Would anyone who is in this position friendless, or has always struggled with friendships, but is married, or has a boyfriend/girlfriend on the thread like to explain how they see the difference

In my case I met my OH online, about 20 years ago when the internet was much less of a thing. He's shy and geeky (an oddball ) too and being able to chat from a distance like that meant we got to lnow each other without having to get past an initial awkward stage.

Would anyone who is in this position friendless, or has always struggled with friendships, but is married, or has a boyfriend/girlfriend on the thread like to explain how they see the difference?

Like others, I met DH online.

Apart from that I was bullied throughout school, made no friends at college, no friends in my first few jobs. I'm friendly with people I work with now, but we don't socialise outside of work. I have no 'mum friends' because don't do drops offs or picks ups so don't know any of them, from attending toddler group though I'm not sure making friends would happen. I'm just doomed to isolation and I don't know what to do about it.

Personally, I think there's often an interest mismatch or a sense of humour mismatch or a chattiness/intensity mismatch. The difference is that this disappoints people like the OP whereas I'm more likely to think, "Thank goodness for that."

But wouldn't that be the case in romantic and in friendship situations?

I’ve actually always made male friends very easily, but feel intimidated by women I guess? I get all awkward and in trying to fit in, I end up looking stupid. I can’t relate to what is talked about...children; soap operas; what’s happening at school etc (sorry I’m probably stereotyping here).

But if you're stereotyping, why not stop, and be open to female friends? I ca honestly say I have never talked about a soap opera in my life, I know nothing about what's happening at school as I average one pick-up a week, and no one is that interested in anyone else's children!

Well loads of total dicks manage to have friends, so it's not a measure of how nice you are!

I'm a bit like you but luckily my few friends are the types who will check in and initiate contact after a quiet spell. You talk a lot about others fading away/dropping you, maybe you need to put more effort in to keeping the friendship going?

Having a baby is a good chance to make friends. I didn't make any at groups but found one using an app called Mush. She's now one of my closest friends.

*Personally, I think there's often an interest mismatch or a sense of humour mismatch or a chattiness/intensity mismatch. The difference is that this disappoints people like the OP whereas I'm more likely to think, "Thank goodness for that."

But wouldn't that be the case in romantic and in friendship situations?*

There are just some people you "click" with better than others and I think that's the same whether you seek other people out or whether you keep yourself to yourself. It's just that if you do seek other people out there's more potential for disappointment as you're dependent on reciprocation.

I'm not incapable of having relationships romantic or otherwise even if I am odd. It's just that if I don't click with someone, that's OK.

@KindOranges

I've only had 2 relationships, and they both came from online dating sites. The only interest I got in real life from men was from those wanting a quick shag to be blunt, they weren't interested in my personality. I really struggled getting people interested enough to want to get to know me and get close to me.

It has always been easier online for me, I remember in the early days chatting to DH and telling him I might be a bit shy in person at first but that I'd soon warm up after a few dates. He said I was exactly how I described myself and he was glad he'd been warned before meeting me or he would have assumed I wasn't interested. But he says by the 3rd date I was really quite bubbly and good company.

*DP not DH

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead

Yes, I admitted to stereotyping. The reason I mentioned those particular topics is that I was invited out for a night out with a group of mums and they talked about:
The poor financial situation the school was in.
How they were glad to see the back of the previous SLT.
The best Netflicks programs to watch.

Maybe it was because they were uncomfortable with me there perhaps? I joined in as much as poss.

As for what women do really chat about, I’m afraid I wouldn’t know as I don’t have a single female friend.

So apologies, I really didn’t mean to offend. I was just going by my only recent experience.
I’m sure that’s not all women talk about.

Up until almost two years ago I could have written your post.

I thought I would never find people who wanted to be my friend. I started a new job and my confidence grew, and with that so did my friendship circle. All through school I was bullied.

Sometimes we put out vibes that we aren't even aware of I guess. I was 36 when I started making friends more easily. I think I also got to the stage where I no longer really expected to do so, so I didn't really care if I didn't.

You will meet the friendship group for you

he was glad he'd been warned before meeting me or he would have assumed I wasn't interested. But he says by the 3rd date I was really quite bubbly and good company

But haven't you answered your own question here, OP? In the case of your now-DP, you had prewarned him, and presumably if you were both on an OLD site there was some presumption that you were at least seeking a relationship, so he was prepared to go for three dates with someone he would have otherwise assumed wasn't at all interested in him. That's a big investment of time!

Most people aren't going to ask someone they've met at college or a workplace to go out three times if they think that person isn't at all keen on them. If someone is shy to the extent that they're a poor communicator, it's virtually impossible for a stranger to decide whether they're shy but nice and interested in being friends or whether they're signalling 'Go away, please -- I really don't want to know you' but aren't able to be direct about it.

Most of us don't have that kind of spare time to waste on trying to befriend someone whose froideur could be hiding a heart of gold or the fact that they're hating every second and wishing we would fuck right off.

I have a very bad resting bitch face. I spent years trying to make friends with girls with absolutely no joy there, I was laughed at and bullied. I spent my younger days feeling like an outcast. I still get this feeling with some ladies at the school gate.
I studied and now work in IT which is a very male dominated industry and I have never had a problem and it's like I finally feel accepted and now have a group of male friends.
Maybe men are blind to the resting bitch face?

People can be complete dicks about shy people.

@Patroclus in what way do you think? I’m an introvert/shy so would be interested to know.

Aww this is me! No one likes me. Even family and I make it worse by now expecting people not to like me. I wish I had friends and I’m so lonely all of the time.

Why not try some counselling to help you develop your friendship skills?
Or maybe try using Bumble BFF?