A Mil Christmas One- sorry

[Freddymurky]

Before I start let me clarify that I adore my MIL and I’m honestly not slagging her off.
She has one annoying habit though and it’s gotten to the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue....
Every Christmas she waits for me to shop for DH and the kids and then takes some of my presents to give to them from her because she can’t be arsed getting her own. She always transfers the money after but sometimes she takes them when I’m not there (she has a key as she walks our dog). This year I have bought DD a dolls house- only a cheap one but it’s something she will love and I wanted to see her face on Xmas morning.
DH has just informed me that MIL spotted the dolls house in the utility and has took it as her gift to dd this year. I’m aware that he’s an idiot and now so is he. I’ve sent him over to mils to get it back but would I bu to put a stop to her laziness and not let her take any of my gifts this year?

Get that house key back!

How else will the MIL be able to get in to walk the OPs dog? Hmm.

The OP has said she’s very respectful and doesn’t cross other boundaries, I think it’s fair to say she is fond of her MIL. Taking the key back would shoot the OP right in the foot!

Is there somewhere that you can lock the gifts away?

How often does she walk the dog & do you pay her?

Is it a great help to you?

If so, I can't see the problem with giving her a gift of your choosing to give to your daughter on CD.

I don’t think the gifts need locking away now. She’s not going to take them after the chat, she only did do because she thought it was ok and has done it for the past 10 years!

Never heard of anything like this! I'm glad your OH has tackled it head on.

I've known GPs ask for gift ideas but never to actually take presents someone else has bought to pass off as their own, that's bizarre.

As another poster has said, hide away anything you bought. Ask her nicely to choose something and buy it by herself. Maybe you started this and it evolved so she thinks you are ok with it

I have to admit op, I be tempted to wrap up a few empty boxes and leave them lying around.

I’ve spoken with MIL myself today and explained my reasoning. She was mortified because as many pp’s pointed out, I’ve let her do it for 10 years without saying anything beyond pointed offers to help her shop.

We had a good chat about it and she has been avoiding doing the Xmas shopping as that’s something she and fil always made an event of. She got defensive with DH yesterday as she feels like her grief is secondary to his and confessing would worry or upset him and that after 10 years she shouldn’t still be so upset by it, but she is. Which is completely understandable- I don’t know why she’d think we wouldn’t understand...
I now feel like a complete bastard for making it an issue.
DH apologised for getting riled at her and threatening to take her dog time but reiterated that she shouldn’t have just took something without permission. They’re going the garden centre shortly so I’m presuming all’s well that ends well

She’s playing you for a fiddle so you’ll feel sorry for her instead of being irate with her!
Wow, that’s quite a manipulative move on her part.
You’ve said your piece now anyway so hopefully that’s the last of it.

Well done for getting it sorted. That was incredibly rude of her!

Why not hide the presents in cupboards in your bedroom?

Sounds like a good outcome really, despite not going quite to plan.

I was going to say that as it's only at Christmastime not birthdays that there was something there to do with grief and family traditions until I saw that was the case in your update.

At least now you will all be able to move on in a way that pleases everyone. An avenue has opened up for your dh and his mum to talk about their mutual grief and you have explained gently why some things are special for you to give your dc yourself. In future I would buy something specifically for mil to give dc unless she does want to go shopping with you in future.

@Clangus00 Don't be so insensitive. Don't forget there are no other issues between MIL & OP... They get on great otherwise. Not every MIL is a manipulative Witch! Using her dead husband as an emotional weapon like you suggest, is quite a low blow even for those with form. The piece doesn't really fit this particular jigsaw I don't think...

Anyway, even if she is making it up, it's sorted now

Glad it's been sorted. Hopefully time for new traditions???

@Clangus00For heavens sake it's not being manipulative. She has been allowed do this for 10 years. Then her Ds arrives and has a right go at her out of the blue. It was harsh. But at least it's all out in the open now and no doubt she won't do it again. In her last couple of year my mil was stressed about kids gifts so she suggested money, which they were deligted with. They got more in the sales with the money. Maybe your mil could do that from now on @Freddymurky.

But rich calling her lazy op when she walks your dog for you everyday!!!

Glad you've cleared the air and it's all worked out ok. I'm sure, actually, that this will have been for the best once the dust settles and will actually help her in the long run.

Grief lasts a lifetime.

Well done on a positive outcome.

Good that you've cleared the air.

Maybe you could start a new tradition - take MiL shopping, make an outing of it.

But rich calling her lazy op when she walks your dog for you everyday!!!

And they pay her to do so.

It will never cease to amaze me how many doormats are on mumsnet.

She’s a CF because you’ve allowed her to be.

This would have been met with a “hahahahaha good one MIL! Do your own bloody shopping!” The very first time it happened here.

its good you have all talked it out... maybe you can ask her for her budget that she plans to spend on your household and order items for your household from that budget, to be delivered to her house to be wrapped... im shit at gifts, normally the husband does all that because if it is left to em everyone gets a card and money stuffed inside, i get overwhelmed by it all and cant focus at all, if i had this offer i would jump at it

I feel for her with her husband passing, my mum felt the same way about doing things that she and dad did. However actually TAKING things from your house? No, there is absolutely no reasoning, no excuse she could give that could excuse that. You don't just take things from other people's houses without asking, even if they are close relatives. It would be different if she said to you, "I saw the doll house, would you mind if I took that and gave it to DGC in my name, and paid you for it?" The very least she could do is ask you first. But to just take things from your house without permission? There is absolutely no justification for that.

Posted too soon, was going to say that for all she knew that doll house could be for the child of your work colleague, for a charity Christmas drive, storing it for a friend who paid for it - it could be from anyone and for anyone, it may have even been a present from your daughter to one of her friends. Imagine if it was any of the scenarios above, and you had to explain to colleague, friend, charity or whoever that your MIL took it mistaking it for something you personally bought? Imagine explaining that your MIL took it. For all she knew, it could have been for anyone.