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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A Mil Christmas One- sorry

123 replies

Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 17:22

Before I start let me clarify that I adore my MIL and I’m honestly not slagging her off.
She has one annoying habit though and it’s gotten to the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue....
Every Christmas she waits for me to shop for DH and the kids and then takes some of my presents to give to them from her because she can’t be arsed getting her own. She always transfers the money after but sometimes she takes them when I’m not there (she has a key as she walks our dog). This year I have bought DD a dolls house- only a cheap one but it’s something she will love and I wanted to see her face on Xmas morning.
DH has just informed me that MIL spotted the dolls house in the utility and has took it as her gift to dd this year. I’m aware that he’s an idiot and now so is he. I’ve sent him over to mils to get it back but would I bu to put a stop to her laziness and not let her take any of my gifts this year?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 31/10/2019 18:39

Why not suggest she gets panto tickets and take the kids? Easy annual tradition not associated with gifts

Whatsername7 · 31/10/2019 18:42

Do you think she does this so that she can gift the 'big' gift? My mil tried to do this. She'd ask what dd was having and her main present and then insist she would buy it amd Santa would deliver it to her house for dd to open there. The answer to that one was no!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 31/10/2019 18:47

My mum does this. Comes shopping with me then when I pick something for someone she will say “oh I’ll get them that shall I.”

I put up with it because she’s in her 80s. But she has done it for years!

DarlingNikita · 31/10/2019 18:47

Take the key off her.

Drum2018 · 31/10/2019 18:50

As long as she's paying you for the items I wouldn't mind buying stuff and allocating a few things from her. I'd even wrap them and put her name on them. What I wouldn't like is her coming in and just taking what she wants to give them. I get my kids to make a list and then allocate some items to family so that they get what they actually like and nobody has to think about what to get them. Family would then give me the money. So the arrangement of her getting you to buy things and then paying you seems fine to me, it's just the way she goes about it that's unreasonable.

plightofthealbatross · 31/10/2019 18:50

She shouldn't just be taking things like that. It's all kind of messed up.

Glad your DH has gone to retrieve the house and talk to her. Be prepared for him feeling bad because she was upset.

madcatladyforever · 31/10/2019 18:51

Make it stop, its outrageous!!!!!

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 31/10/2019 18:54

My mum does this and it drives me mad! She wouldn't help herself without asking and certainly doesn't snoop, but if I tell her what I've bought for the DCs, then she'll ask if she can have it and will give me the money.

She doesn't do it to be lazy but because she wants to get them something that they'll really want. TBH I've stopped telling her what I've bought now and just ask the DCs what they want from her instead (but they're older now so that's easier).

Craftycorvid · 31/10/2019 18:54

I’d just sit her down and tell her what you have said here: that you value the relationship, she’s a brilliant grandma but the present thing is getting to you and needs to stop. You could then suggest some of the things PP have suggested such as panto’ tickets or cash in a savings account for your DCs.

SometimesMaybe · 31/10/2019 18:55

I think with all the information you have provided, and your usually good relationship, I probably wouldn’t chose this hill to die on. But in future I would definitely go with decoy presents or just suggest “I thought of this for dd Xmas shall I get it and you can give it to her”. Clearly present buying is a bit overwhelming so for her so I would lend a hand in a way that you don’t get pissed off.

wibdib · 31/10/2019 19:14

Are the dc old enough that you could schedule a shopping trip with mil after Christmas so that she could go with them and enjoy their excitement slightly differently as they are there and choosing what they want - could become their own tradition and be special for them - also something to do and have to look forward to after Christmas.

Hotseat · 31/10/2019 19:21

It's your fault. Should have stopped it ages ago. Be prepared to loose a free dog walker though.

Mamasaurus82 · 31/10/2019 19:21

It sounds crazy that she would let herself in, take toys that you've bought and pretend that she'd picked them out. But because you say this has built up gradually and that she's a lovely woman, I think you need to go gently. Hiding the things you've bought might not be a bad idea but she'll probably be wondering why... could DH talk to her tactfully?

Moreisnnogedag · 31/10/2019 19:31

Agh shame actually now that you’ve said more about her I would definitely go down the Nice route of just getting her something to give the kids. If it was FIL that used to do all the present shopping I can easily see how it can be just a crappy reminder every year of having lost him.

CoraPirbright · 31/10/2019 19:36

Arrgh my parents and PILs do this to me too - ask me to buy on their behalf. It frustrates me as sometimes I think its just laziness and goodness knows I have enough to do but on the flip side, they dont really know exactly what my children would really like. I ask the kids to do a Christmas list, go off that and then let them know “I have bought xxx for dd from you” and they ask for the cost and transfer it. Does make it easier I guess.

Cherrysoup · 31/10/2019 19:43

Hopefully d retrieving the gift will make her understand you will no longer do this. Would the dc go shopping with her to choose their own presents? Then everyone’s happy.

Nomorepies · 31/10/2019 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Daddystilllost · 31/10/2019 19:47

Have you got it back? @Freddymurky

MintyMabel · 31/10/2019 19:51

I get annoyed enough when MIL asks what to get DD. We usually have only a few good ideas, I don’t want to give them away!

LemonScentedStickyBat · 31/10/2019 19:56

She was in the wrong but given the background and her overall loveliness and helpfulness, I would just let her do it and pick up something from her for future Christmases. It’s a small kindness in the scheme of things. My parents and in-laws have often given the main or wow factor presents to my kids in the past and it didn’t take away any of our enjoyment of Christmas, honestly.

CallMeRachel · 31/10/2019 19:57

She prefers the stuff you've bought because she knows that you'll have bought something the kids really want and she wants the happiness at those gifts to shine her way rather than yours.
Like the doll's house - you wanted to see your DD's face on Christmas morning. That's what she's taking, as much as the presents.

This is what my MIL would do. She always wanted the limelight and to be seen as the most generous etc.

Although I will say, from what I've read how you've described your MIL, she sounds a lot nicer than mine and may not have this same motives.

Babysharkisanearworm · 31/10/2019 19:58

How fecking dare she take your gift to pass off as hers. Outrageous cheeky fuckery.
If she wants you to buy her gift, fine. But to take something without discussion is rude. Let her buy some bits to put in it. Then it stays at yours and dd gets a full playset.
It should stop now.

Mulhollandmagoo · 31/10/2019 19:59

This must be incredibly irritating, but I get from your post that you really do love her op!

We had a very similar problem with my FIL, my MIL passed away a fair few years ago now, and she did all the pressie buying and was brill at it! My FIL used to buy us all so much stuff but just random stuff from down the Christmas aisles in the supermarkets (one year I got 5 different dove sets) and we know this is because he was so desperate to get it right for us!

So now my husband goes Christmas shopping with him and helps him do all of his shopping (not just for us for everyone) and I think they really enjoy their day together, usually have some lunch and finish off with a pint! Could you or your husband go shopping with her for your kids? Make it a tradition?

Actionhasmagic · 31/10/2019 20:04

Decoy gifts is good idea !

Loveislandaddict · 31/10/2019 20:08

Buy something for your dd which you know they will like, and leave it at your house for her to take.

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