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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Mil Christmas One- sorry

123 replies

Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 17:22

Before I start let me clarify that I adore my MIL and I’m honestly not slagging her off.
She has one annoying habit though and it’s gotten to the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue....
Every Christmas she waits for me to shop for DH and the kids and then takes some of my presents to give to them from her because she can’t be arsed getting her own. She always transfers the money after but sometimes she takes them when I’m not there (she has a key as she walks our dog). This year I have bought DD a dolls house- only a cheap one but it’s something she will love and I wanted to see her face on Xmas morning.
DH has just informed me that MIL spotted the dolls house in the utility and has took it as her gift to dd this year. I’m aware that he’s an idiot and now so is he. I’ve sent him over to mils to get it back but would I bu to put a stop to her laziness and not let her take any of my gifts this year?

OP posts:
SilverOtter · 31/10/2019 20:15

I would've blown my top if my in laws tried something like this!
But, given that in your situation it has actually become the status quo over many years, I think you're best just leaving the situation as it is.
In the future, just make sure any presents YOU really want to give your DC are not accessible to your mil.

kateandme · 31/10/2019 20:22

hve you got the dolls house back yet?please say you have

NoSauce · 31/10/2019 20:23

This is something that has been allowed to happen because the MIL was ill and lost her husband some years ago. It’s not a case of MIL swanning in and taking the toys without the OP knowing what’s going on, it’s a 10 year old habit. She’s been allowed to do it.

I wouldn’t like it though, especially the taking presents without asking but I guess she thinks she’s ok to do so.

DH needs to take his mum shopping for her GCs presents.

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2019 20:26

Let us know you've got the doll's house back!

I can see how it's moved up to this happening by stealth, but you need to at least take more control of it now.

Cosmas · 31/10/2019 20:30

I can see that this is v v annoying but on the other hand imagine being swamped with utter crap that well-meaning relatives have bought that will clutter up your house/need zillions of batteries/don't fit the kids/not age appropriate that they nevertheless have to pretend to like...

My FIL insists on buying presents that he will enjoy shopping for. Literally.

QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2019 20:39

@Hotseat OP pays her for the dog walking, she’s not ‘free’.

Lunde · 31/10/2019 20:47

Hotseat - It's your fault. Should have stopped it ages ago. Be prepared to loose a free dog walker though

She's not a free dog walker. OP states that MIL is paid the same as their previous paid dog walking service.

CallMeRachel · 31/10/2019 21:01

It's your fault. Should have stopped it ages ago. Be prepared to loose a free dog walker though.

Haha @Hotseat try rtft the op stated clearly she pays her Mil to walk the dog Hmm

And it's 'lose' not loose Wink

showmewhatyougot · 01/11/2019 06:38

Cheeky nanny! At least it's a funny story to tell the kids when their older Grin

Original poster
Freddymurky · 01/11/2019 07:58

DH brought back the house last night- fully wrapped and tagged by mil. He’s now rather quiet because mil got very upset that I demanded it be returned- she seems to think that as long as dd gets the gift it doesn’t matter who gives it.
Reading between the lines I think she played the oblivious pensioner card and made out we were being unreasonable when he first asked which made him lose his rag with her.
He’s sat her down and basically said she’s not to carry on relying on me to sort all the gifts and he’ll give her a list to choose from and will order them online for her in future and she’s not to remove anything from our home without express permission regardless of who bought it originally or he’ll take her key away and get the dog walked by someone else.

He was probably a bit harsher with her than I’d have been but I’m pleased he backed me up.

OP posts:
LannisterLion1 · 01/11/2019 08:09

Good that he backed you up. She obviously wrapped it to make a point and didn't expect him to stick to his guns. Hopefully she won't do this again.

MamehaSan · 01/11/2019 08:11

Hooray! Finally a DH with enough balls to stand up to his batshit mother!

Winterdaysarehere · 01/11/2019 08:14

Star for your dh.
A man with balls!!

CalmdownJanet · 01/11/2019 08:15

I think that's a good outcome, ignore the tears, they are crocodile. And keep this stance and don't back down and things should change. I'm delighted he stood up for you

Ponoka7 · 01/11/2019 08:29

I think he's been really garsh considering that you've never objected before

To threaten to stop her from walking the dog, which she enjoys, is quite nasty. It probably makes her feel useful, which is important as we age.

When people stop feeling useful and not part of a family, is when depression and isolation start.

It's not how you speak to someone "you adore". Let alone your Mother, who doesn't know she's doing anything wrong.

CoraPirbright · 01/11/2019 08:36

Kind of agree with Ponoka7. Feel sorry for MIL as she has not been told that what she is doing isn't ok with you anymore. And suddenly her son wades in with threats about keys and dogs. Talk about 0-60 in 2.4 seconds!

Hedgehogparty · 01/11/2019 08:43

Could you meet her for a coffee or lunch somewhere to chat this over yourselves?
Agree taking the presents is completely out of order, but your DHs response sounds pretty harsh.

NoSauce · 01/11/2019 08:48

I’m glad it has been sorted but it shouldn’t have been left to get to this, she’s probably upset for sure.

wineisnecessary · 01/11/2019 08:51

The first time she did this you should of said no mil I'm not ok with this . You go out and buy your own gifts .
The thing is you didn't so now she thinks it's perfectly ok .
Going forward take the dolls house back and say your not happy with this arrangement any more .

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 01/11/2019 08:51

I think he's handled it harshly, especially as you were partly to blame for the problem in the first place.

Original poster
Freddymurky · 01/11/2019 08:52

@Ponoka7 I think he was overly harsh too but he was already at her house when I posted the original Aibu so wasn’t privy to the responses or my thoughts about it all.
The damage is done now and I have to support how he chooses to address this with his mum. I’m hoping when everyone has calmed down we can explain to mil in a gentle way that we are wanting to help her with whatever she needs but she can’t just appropriate my gifts for the children (and dh’s obviously)

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 01/11/2019 08:56

Give her a list asap and ask her what she'd like instead. It's absolutely right that you've put a stop to this madness but now it's time to extend the olive branch.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 09:06

OP please don;t allow this situation to fester that would be my advice. Please go chat to MIL.She will be so upset today. I get your post I do..my mum is a bugger for gift nabbing! She asks me what my son or daughter want.I would say oh XXXX said he fancies so and so and off she runs to get it,often leaving me stuck for ideas! It comes from a place of love though and wanting to get the perfect gift but having no clue as to whats what herself,She isnt a bad person, she isnt cheeky,she just needs guidance as she says she isn;t up on these things! The world and tech moves too fast for her!! After all this time with your MIL she must be feeling pretty crap today after the rug has been pulled out from under her.Why now? Why this dolls house? She must have been shocked when your husband called.She wouldnt have been expecting the rules to have been changed out of nowhere, with no warning when its always been ok before.This can cause a lot of damage to your relationship...ring her see if shes ok and get past this as fast as you can. I can see both sides here.

DarlingNikita · 01/11/2019 09:23

I don't think he was too harsh. She's a grown-up, I'm sure she can handle it. It was right and fair of him to focus on her taking things from the house and to tell her what the consequences will be if she carries on.

Greenleafer19 · 01/11/2019 09:23

Get that house key back!

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