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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Mil Christmas One- sorry

123 replies

Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 17:22

Before I start let me clarify that I adore my MIL and I’m honestly not slagging her off.
She has one annoying habit though and it’s gotten to the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue....
Every Christmas she waits for me to shop for DH and the kids and then takes some of my presents to give to them from her because she can’t be arsed getting her own. She always transfers the money after but sometimes she takes them when I’m not there (she has a key as she walks our dog). This year I have bought DD a dolls house- only a cheap one but it’s something she will love and I wanted to see her face on Xmas morning.
DH has just informed me that MIL spotted the dolls house in the utility and has took it as her gift to dd this year. I’m aware that he’s an idiot and now so is he. I’ve sent him over to mils to get it back but would I bu to put a stop to her laziness and not let her take any of my gifts this year?

OP posts:
HuggedTrees · 31/10/2019 17:54

Fuck that shit, you’ve gone to the effort of choosing nice things you know people would like, you can help her but she can’t take your own gifts! Bonkers.

LittleAndOften · 31/10/2019 17:54

Seems like you've made a rod for your own back here! Time to step up the the plate and have a grown up conversation with her or this will never stop. You are upset because she took the dolls house (and I do think that's crackers on her part), but to be fair you facilitated that situation. She doesn't know you had a special vision for that gift, she's just carrying on as normal. She's not psychic.

RandomMess · 31/10/2019 17:54

Confused she is crazy to think this is ok!!!

Jux · 31/10/2019 17:55

Blimey, half the fun is looking for things that someone would really, really like.

Just give her a list and hide the things you've bought at your parent's, at work or at a friend's.

HeyNotInMyName · 31/10/2019 17:56

Is she like my parents and PIL, totally clueless about what would REALLY work for your dd so prefers if you do it?

I think you are right to get the doll house back.
But you also need to have some boundaries about what she can and can’t ‘take’ from your house.
Would you be happy to do all the buying fo her? Do you want her to do he own shopping (even if you give her ideas)? Decide with your DH and then stick to your boundaries.

Btw does she have other grand children/children and what does she do then?

lyralalala · 31/10/2019 17:57

I’ve tried that to the point of offering to go shopping with her or buying online and getting something delivered to her house, she just refuses. She’s able bodied and has a decent income so that’s not the issue.
She just seems to prefer to take stuff I’ve bought. I don’t want to fall out with her as we have a great relationship and she’s a lovely grandmother to the kids- it just really pisses me off when she does it.

She prefers the stuff you've bought because she knows that you'll have bought something the kids really want and she wants the happiness at those gifts to shine her way rather than yours.
Like the doll's house - you wanted to see your DD's face on Christmas morning. That's what she's taking, as much as the presents.

pigsDOfly · 31/10/2019 17:57

Why on earth are you letting her behave like this in your home. And why the hell have you let it continue for so long. It's beyond rude.

Get the key back and get a dog walker. I wouldn't have someone like that running around my home doing as she likes. If she takes things from your house, how do you know what else she might be doing or looking at while you're not there.

If you're going to continue to let her has free run of you house, it might be an idea to leave all presents for the children at a friend or relation's house until nearer Christmas.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/10/2019 18:00

I can see why that’s very annoying and why you need it to stop but I would be inclined to avoid being too confrontational about it if your relationship is generally good. Could you just buy a gift specifically that you don’t mind being from her and tell MiL you’ve bought her X to give to DD and she owes you however much for it? It is one more present to think of but it doesn’t sound like that’s necessarily the issue if you’ve already offered to help her choose.

BestestBrownies · 31/10/2019 18:00

If she is otherwise nice and normal and you get on OK, perhaps she's worried about getting the wrong things (ie. stuff you or DH disapprove of), or wasting money on things the kids might not like or being disappointed with a less than enthusiastic reaction from the kids?

DP and I used to put loads of thought and effort into gifts for our DN's (all 10 of them), only to be met with either parental disapproval or half-hearted thanks from the kids. Now we just bung money in a card and be done with it.

Original poster
Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 18:00

Not a clue why she won’t order online- she’s not the best with computers but I’ve offered to do it for her and she’s still refused.
She’s a bit of a ditherer and is quite indecisive so I wonder if she gets overwhelmed by the choice in the shops.
DH said she was similar when he was a kid and that fil used to do the presents. FIL passed away around the time this started (she was ill with stress related heart issues caused by his death) so it makes sense.
Sorry for the drip feed there. I’m trying to rationalise her behaviour and work out how best to help her sensitively without my having to keep this all up indefinitely.
Aside from it being annoying to find gifts missing it puts pressure on me to be organised and I have a lot going on and coming up with work and health that I’ve not had in past years.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 31/10/2019 18:02

If she can't be arsed buying your children presents that's you've suggested or shown her on Amazon....then she'll be having to explain to them why she didn't get them anything.

ineedaholidaynow · 31/10/2019 18:03

How does she find the presents? Does she snoop round the house?

zurigirl · 31/10/2019 18:05

I do agree that at least you've kind of 'pre-approved' the gift... but it would be much better if she just gave you a budget and asked for ideas within that range.

BestestBrownies · 31/10/2019 18:05

I don't think she's being malicious at all OP. Just clueless and maybe overwhelmed by choice as you say.

I'm sure if you sit down and have a simple conversation about what her budget is and that your DP (It's his mum after all), will organise buying something within that budget for her to give then I don't see the problem really

Reallynowdear · 31/10/2019 18:09

Just tell, kindly that you're not doing it anymore.

Could you offer to sit with her and choose something?

I would hide all presents in future too, taking them without asking you is not on.

Original poster
Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 18:10

@ineedaholidaynow no- she wouldn’t snoop; contrary to how I’ve managed to portray her in this post she does have boundaries and is generally very respectful of our home. The utility is where the back door is and she goes in and out with the dog (muddy paws can be easily cleaned off etc) and because it’s accessed through my office which is lockable the kids don’t go in there.

OP posts:
PinkpompomDaisy · 31/10/2019 18:10

I agree, with the last poster, she isnt doing it to be mean, a little thoughtless maybe, but Christmas shopping, trying to get parked, trying to buy something they’d like is horrific, for your own children.
For Grandchildren, worse, as they don’t see them so often, and have lost track of the latest trends.

You said she’s lovey apart from this irritating habit.

I would just accept that you buy their Christmas presents, but tell her what you are buying from her, so that she is clear.

It will make you all happier.

I buy for my mum for my children now, it’s easier for her, and we both hope it’s something that they’d like.

Boysey45 · 31/10/2019 18:11

I'd suggest that she just gives them money and they can get what they want or she puts some money in a savings account for them. I think its for you husband to be telling her that her behaviour isn't acceptable as well.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2019 18:11

I can't get over the cheek of someone just waltzing into someone else's house and walking out with gifts without a by-your-leave!!! I'm gobsmacked!

Honestly, at this point I'd keep everything I bought somewhere else. Do you have a friend or family who would store the gifts? I used to keep gifts at my mum's because my DH and DS1 were inveterate snoopers and would suss out gifts like fecking bloodhounds.

Actually Mum and I made a day of me coming over to wrap. We'd have lunch and put on a Christmas movie and wrap. I'd end up bringing everything to our house after dark a couple of days beforehand and storing it in our caravan.

Ponoka7 · 31/10/2019 18:12

So she struggles with buying presents and even if you tell her something to get, she probably starts price checking and can't make a decision.

It would be better to ask what her budget is, buy something that you want her to give your DD and get your DH to take it round.

Trying to buy presents may reminder her of losing her DH all over again, so she avoids it.

Original poster
Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 18:19

@Ponoka7 I hadn’t considered that she might be avoiding because it was something she did with FIL- that makes perfect sense and now I feel like an absolute cow.
I’ll see what DH says when he’s back but will probably do what pp’s have suggested and buy something specific from her and just stop her having her pick of my gifts going forward rather than making an issue of things.

OP posts:
slashlover · 31/10/2019 18:24

Do you pay her for the dog walking? You have to weigh up if choosing a present 'from her' is worth the dog walking.

Original poster
Freddymurky · 31/10/2019 18:30

@slashlover we do actually, we give her the same as we gave our old dog walker. It’s something she’s offered to do because she enjoys it rather than a favour to us or her being an employee because she’s short on cash. We just thought it was fair to pay her although tbh she probably spends most of it on the dog and kids in treats because she spoils the lot of them rotten

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 31/10/2019 18:32

That isn't right. She could just give money, children love going out shopping and buying bits and pieces, and wrap up a small gift to be opened on the day. A doll's house is quite a big thing, it's not like a pair of socks or a jigsaw.

I don't know what you can do, frankly. Perhaps let it go this time but in future, when you buy presents, put them away somewhere. Or you could tactfully explain to her......not easy I suppose. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but she was wrong to take the doll's house.

woodymiller · 31/10/2019 18:34

What does she do for you? Does she manage to shop for you or does DH get it or do you do without? What about presents for other family and friends? What does she do for birthdays? Is she able to shop for them as shops not so busy. Sorry for so many questions and just trying to understand why she seems to have such a block. There are so many alternatives where she could source her own gifts, most of which you've already tried. Could you suggest a family gift - tickets to a pantomime or annual zoo membership? Would that take the pressure off both you and her?