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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

POLL.. To ask you if you'd tell your DH/DP, if you came into £5,000 (eg, lotto win/inheritance.)

111 replies

LavendarGreen · 30/10/2019 18:37

Just that really?

If you won £5,000 on a scratchcard or the lottery, or had an inheritance, would you keep it from your DH/DP, and squirrel it away?

OR would you let them know?

YANBU - NO I wouldn't tell them, I would keep it to myself that I had got the money..

YABU - YES I'd tell them.

Just curious, as it was a conversation I had with some friends earlier today......

If you WOULDN'T tell them, please can you say why.... Also, if you don't intend to tell them, what would you do with the money?

Just curious.

Thanks all Smile

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 01/11/2019 14:43

DH is a gambler, so I wouldn't tell him.

thecatsthecats · 01/11/2019 14:59

I'm not of the mind that you have to discuss money with a man unless essential.

It may sound weird, but I don't think of my husband as a 'man'. He's not a different species!

He's my best friend who I share a lot of financial entanglement with. I can talk salaries and finances freely with my best friends too without fear.

Areyoufree · 01/11/2019 15:04

A woman should always have some savings that no one else knows about.

Because men are never the ones being financially abused, right?

I would tell my husband, although I would be the one making decisions about how to deal with it. I am the main breadwinner, plus he is pretty terrible with money, so I handle the savings.

WWlOOlWW · 01/11/2019 15:12

With my long term ex - nope. Actually had some savings he didn't know about which came very handy when he left me for the OW.

New partner - yes. Because we don't live with each other and he would never think he would have a right to it.

Sounds selfish ? It is, but I've twice been single with young children and I know how much having or not having a bit of savings matters.

Bluerussian · 01/11/2019 15:13

Yes, I would have done and probably shared it as he would with me. However I know some people who have spouses nobody should tell anything to! It's a good idea to have something tucked away because you never know what might happen.

SuitablyDull · 01/11/2019 15:19

I would tell...it would be going into our joint savings pot that we have for a house at the moment.

We have joint accounts and although I could probably not tell him as I deal with all the money and he would never be any the wiser it would feel dishonest.

mumofamenagerie · 01/11/2019 16:11

This actually happened recently with the exact value! I told my husband, and also said I'd like to use it on getting wanted but not completely necessary things done round the house (gutters/fascias, painting rooms). Of course there's money left over from that, which we can use for other non-essential but 'nice to have's that we otherwise wouldn't get done.

We have a joint account that all our earnings go into - he brings home about £500 more per month than I do. All our outgoings come from the joint pot. There are no personal accounts that we spend money from. However, we have individual savings (ISAs) rather than joint savings. Whenever we have enough money in the current account, we split an amount to go into our personal savings. That way we are both secure if we do ever divorce. If we need to spend a larger sum then it comes equally out of our savings. This only works because we are both similar in financial spending - if one of us was a big spender we would need different arrangements. If one of us was an addict for example, I would never recommend joint accounts or the other person telling them about their personal money!

percheron67 · 01/11/2019 16:14

At one time I would have done so without reservation. I would now file it away as my run away money.

msmith501 · 01/11/2019 16:17

You are either a team or you are not. I wouldn't even ask... unless I was using the whole amount to share it between us with a decent treat.

maddening · 01/11/2019 16:24

He would want to know why we were suddenly going to lapland at Christmas

ParisInTheSpringtime · 01/11/2019 16:28

Of course I would tell him. We keep our finances quite separate (with a joint account just for joint expenses), and so each have our own money, but a sudden “windfall” would be for both of us to enjoy. Much like our annual bonuses.

BillywilliamV · 01/11/2019 16:29

He would be incredibly hurt if I didn’t tell him and vice versus!

Rockbird · 01/11/2019 16:32

Pressed the wrong one Angry. Yes would absolutely tell him. Not least because I would need to put it towards a car and he'd sort of notice... I would tell him anyway though.

WeArnottamused · 01/11/2019 16:35

Yes, because it’s family money, it would feel wrong to not to

Pollaidh · 01/11/2019 16:35

It depends on financial situation and relationship.

Personally I would mention it in passing, we are well off and this wouldn't be considered a 'windfall'. Recently we were selling off some shares and they jumped an extra £5k the day we sold. DH mentioned it to me, we were both quietly pleased. The money is/was for family use.

If £5k would make a massive difference in your lives, and you are in a good healthy relationship, I would mention it and discuss together what to do - save some, spend some.

If you were in a less healthy relationship, he was abusive or he controlled the money, then I would keep it to myself and not mention it.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 01/11/2019 16:36

Yes, I would tell him. Our finances are separate anyway, so I'd decide how to spend it if it was my win/inheritance. Prob. 3k in savings and 2k on Nice Things.

RoseToes · 01/11/2019 16:36

I would tell him, definitely.

BuildBuildings · 01/11/2019 16:41

I would as we have a great relationship and share everything. However I understand everyone is different.

Pollaidh · 01/11/2019 16:48

And as PP have noted, it would depend on where the money came from too -

If a lottery win or a bonus from either of our job's, we both decide what to do with it.
If an inheritance, then so far what we have done is discuss it and agree on how it is to be spent, but the inheritee gets the final say. Usually we turn it into investments or a house, or renovations, or something.

nocluewhattodoo · 01/11/2019 16:56

My DP blew a large six figure inheritance with nothing to show for it, we live hand to mouth because he is so irresponsible with money. £5k would do nicely to top up my running away fund. I routinely don't tell him when I get extra money from tips etc so I can stash it, otherwise he would nick it to spend it at the pub or lunch out or taxis. We should have £25 a week each for 'fun' spends, I haven't had mine for months because he will spend £90 in one evening leaving us short elsewhere in our budget.

StarlingsInSummer · 01/11/2019 17:01

I can’t imagine any circumstances in which I wouldn’t tell my DH. If he were abusive or had a gambling problem, then I’d probably keep it to myself.

woodchuck99 · 01/11/2019 17:08

I would have said yes a few years ago but then realised he didn't feel the need to tell me about pay rises so now I wouldn't say anything. I would keep the money in my savings. Considering I don't earn as much as him I think it reasonable to have some money just in case we did split up one day

woodchuck99 · 01/11/2019 17:13

If you are married then you have a legal obligation to support each otehr financially and secondly if you divorce you must disclose what you have on pain of prison even sometimes so be careful not to lie on your form Es on divorce and in court or it's curtains for you

Well yes but there is a gap between getting separated and divorced. 5k isn't a huge amount of money so would be spent by then.

ZaZathecat · 01/11/2019 17:22

Yes

LakieLady · 01/11/2019 17:24

I'd tell him. We'd discuss whether to add it to the "new doors, windows, soffits, facias and guttering" fund (we really know how to live it up!) or use it to increase the budget for a 2nd hand motorhome.

We have separate money, as well as joint money, though, and if I wanted to blow it on shoes, jewellery or a painting, DP wouldn't criticise or cop the hump about it.

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