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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

POLL.. To ask you if you'd tell your DH/DP, if you came into £5,000 (eg, lotto win/inheritance.)

111 replies

LavendarGreen · 30/10/2019 18:37

Just that really?

If you won £5,000 on a scratchcard or the lottery, or had an inheritance, would you keep it from your DH/DP, and squirrel it away?

OR would you let them know?

YANBU - NO I wouldn't tell them, I would keep it to myself that I had got the money..

YABU - YES I'd tell them.

Just curious, as it was a conversation I had with some friends earlier today......

If you WOULDN'T tell them, please can you say why.... Also, if you don't intend to tell them, what would you do with the money?

Just curious.

Thanks all Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendarGreen · 30/10/2019 19:16

The women I spoke to (who were saying they wouldn't tell their DH/DP they'd come into £5,000 at ALL,) cited their reasons as;

..... because he would want to squander it on something they don't need. (eg, buy a new car when their current one is fine.)

..... or blow it all on a fancy holiday or a bunch of new clothes and shoes and gadgets...,

.....or think it's OK to have some weeks off work (sick) because there's a 'buffer' in the bank.

So basically, the money would soon be gone, because he would want to spend it. Whereas SHE would rather leave it for emergencies. Maybe spend a bit, but save the rest. A couple of the women at works said they'd tell him they won £2,500, and stash the rest away.

Then there was a couple of women who said they'd keep it all a secret because they want a safety net if the marriage/relationship breaks down. As a pp said, many women have been left high and dry when their other half fucks off and leaves them in financial trouble. Having a £5,000 'nest egg' could make a lot of difference if your DH/DP leaves you.

@Sallycinnemonbangsthedruminthe

I wouldn't tell...but I would squirrel it away for a rainy day should we all as a family need it.

Several women said that too. They'd keep it and not tell, but would save it for when the FAMILY needed it. Because of the reasons I just stated..... Their DH/DP would squander it on crap/stuff that is not needed.......

OP posts:
SnowJon · 30/10/2019 19:21

How can people be so sneaky and showing no trust will only mean one thing. No wonder the world is effed up

ShadowOnTheSun · 30/10/2019 19:23

£5000? Lottery - I would tell him, and he would have a say in how to spend it/save it. Inheritance - I'd inform him about the fact, but I'd either save it in my personal account or spend it on whatever I wish. Spending could benefit both of us (holiday or something), but I'd choose to do so, not him. I view inheritance from MY family/relatives/whomever as my personal money left for me, and I can do with it as I please. Same goes for partner, if he inherits something from his family/etc it's his personal money.

Moreisnnogedag · 30/10/2019 19:24

Bloody hell I’d tell my DH - we’d pay off a bit of debt that we have hanging around, probably have a holiday +/- pay for a new front door and put the rest aside. I’d feel guilty as all hell not telling. I had a pay increment and told him about it because i felt bad him being unaware.

Also DH is a SAHD - if anyone needs an emergency fund its him Grin

charm8ed · 30/10/2019 19:26

I’d keep quiet.

PooWillyBumBum · 30/10/2019 19:29

£5,000 is much less than our usual bonuses so wouldn’t be so exciting. I’d of course tell him and we would do what we usually do, split between investments/mortgage overpayment and then use a sliver to bolster “fun money”. I don’t know how people survive decades of marriage with completely different attitudes to money and life goals.

meow1989 · 30/10/2019 19:33

I dont have a voting option but of course!

I'd probably put a grand on the mortgage, save 2-3 grand and use the remaining thousand towards a family holiday. Cant imagine why I wouldn't tell him.

HunterAngel · 30/10/2019 19:36

I’d tell him. Part of it would go on a family holiday, I’d probably squirrel some away for a rainy day but I’d take care of bills first

Gazelda · 30/10/2019 19:41

I'd be straight bob the phone to tell him our good fortune (excepting inheritance, but you know what I mean).

We'd no doubt agree to either pay off some mortgage or put it into the extension dream pot.

Having said that, we are comfortable with no serious money worries. I have savings in my own name that arose from pre-DH endowments maturing. If I were without access to my own money and had even a seed of doubt about our future, then I might be tempted to put some aside

saraclara · 30/10/2019 19:42

I'd have told him. Because a) I totally trusted him so whyever would I not? and b) I treat people in the way I'd want to be treated. And if I thought my partner would keep a secret like that from me, I'd be deeply concerned.

saraclara · 30/10/2019 19:43

Out of interest, is every women here okay with a man having a secret running away fund?

Apackoflips · 30/10/2019 19:44

I have a loving, trusting relationship very long standing and we dont have a joint bank account. We pay for household things in our own way.
I received some money that was due to me not a win. I immediately put it into a bank account and have not mentioned it.But its there when if we need it . It would keep us for a several months if we hit bad times and as most people are only 2 pay packets away from ruin that is one thing I want to guard against if I can.
If however I won the same sum that would, strangely, be entirely different and we would celebrate together.

Camomila · 30/10/2019 19:44

Of course, to discuss how best to spend it. Even if it was an inheritance I'd want DHs input.

I think we'd stick most of it in our saving for a deposit account.

Ellisandra · 30/10/2019 19:46

If I won £5K on the lottery, I would consider that pure luck and therefore “ours”. I wouldn’t even deduct 50p for the ticket from his £2500 Grin

I wouldn’t be concerned that he would “squander” his £2500, because second time around I made sure to marry a man with similar financial values to me. I’m pretty sure we’d both say “let’s use it for a holiday!”.

If it was an inheritance, I’d consider it mine. Chances are I’d still pay for a holiday though! Or quite likely, I’d put it into my pension for a tax relief boost - but tell my husband. Not for his permission, but in general chit chat.

I wouldn’t hide it from him, because I have ample savings already. If we didn’t have any emergency fund as a household, and I thought he’d squander it then I’d have no moral qualms about keeping it secret. But... I like to think if this was the case, I’d be leaving him anyway. I simply wouldn’t be with someone I wasn’t compatible with financially - that’s experience, not smugness.

JonnyPocketRocket · 30/10/2019 19:46

Absolutely I'd tell him! We're having some necessary work done on our house (while I'm on mat leave so not earning much) and it would be SUCH a relief to him if he just didn't have to worry so much about how to pay for it all. I'd be thrilled to share the good news with him!

BitOfANameChange · 30/10/2019 19:46

I'm currently single, but towards the end of my last relationship I certainly wouldn't have told my ex I had money.

He basically viewed his money as his, and my money as his, too. His financial abuse was one reason I left.

Ellisandra · 30/10/2019 19:47

@saraclara I can only speak for myself - but yes, I’d be fine with it.

BitOfANameChange · 30/10/2019 19:49

Out of interest, is every women here okay with a man having a secret running away fund?

Why not? If money were discussed and used fairly in the relationship, then each side should be able to accumulate savings.

If the savings were secret, then the relationship is clearly in trouble whoever is trying to get away.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 30/10/2019 19:55

I'd have no reason not to tell him. We have a good, happy and healthy relationship, and our finances are pretty even in so much as we both bring about the same to the table.

Alarae · 30/10/2019 20:00

I would tell him.

Wouldn't let him spend it on garden shit though. He's already had his lot for that!

highheelsandwitcheshats · 30/10/2019 20:06

Inheritance would be mine, though I did come into a small amount a couple of years ago and I spent the majority of it on getting the front hall floor redone. So it went into the house anyway.

£5000 Ticket? I'd tell him, we'd discuss an amount that we could have each to do with as we pleased and the rest would probably go on our next holiday. It's money we would have had to find anyway, so a nice little bonus to have it covered.

Redcliff · 30/10/2019 20:15

I would tell him and I am pretty sure (after paying off overdraft and credit cards) we would spend the rest on a family holiday.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 30/10/2019 20:18

I'd have no reason not to tell him but wouldn't actually tell him and would use it to surprise him with something he has wanted for so long. Would love to be in a position to do that.

Userzzzzz · 30/10/2019 20:23

I couldn’t imagine not deciding what to do jointly. I think it’s sad that so many people have such little trust in their partners/have partners who are bad with money that they would keep it secret for the reasons mentioned above (being squandered, emergency fund etc).

Xenia · 30/10/2019 20:31

This is a good threa to remind people of the cvast differences in English law between having just a mere living in lover/partner and being married. If you are not married then it is your money, you have no legal obligation to support the other partner and if you split up you don't even have to tell them about it.

If you are married then you have a legal obligation to support each otehr financially and secondly if you divorce you must disclose what you have on pain of prison even sometimes so be careful not to lie on your form Es on divorce and in court or it's curtains for you and you might think you've hidden it but sometimes people find out and there may be a paper trail; and on divorce your other half may well get half or even more t]han half if you have more assets than he does ( or earn more than he does).