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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so furious with SIL

86 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:08

OK, so I say furious, maybe I mean frustrated.

My SIL has some serious health issues. I am going to give the facts rather than opinion:

She is overweight
She had a gastric band fitted to overcome this
She has abused the gastric band by eating until she is full, and then throwing up so that she can then eat more
She is addicted to fatty, fried food
She smokes
She drinks way too much alcohol
She does no exercise

For over a year she has had a dreadful hacking cough and a severe hoarse throat. She has been diagnosed with a condition called GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) - I won't go into details - you can look it up of you want)

Bottom line is, the way to treat it is through lifestyle changes: lose weight, stop smoking, don't drink alcohol, avoid fatty foods, do exercise.

Saw her at the weekend. She is constantly coughing with this dreadful cough, and complaining about how awful she feels, and how the NHS is doing nothing to help her. At the same time, literally stuffing her face with deep fried fatty food. I asked her to come out for a walk with me on Sunday morning - she declined. She is waiting for 'someone' to give her an answer. I know what the answer is.....all of the above. She is in denial and in the depths of an eating disorder, but no-one has the balls to stand up to her and tell her that.

So, my question is, is there anything I can do to intervene, or do I just have to leave her to figure it out on her own? She is nearly 50 by the way, so not like she is a teenager - but very very reliant on her parents who totally pander to her. I feel like I am the only one who can see what is going on, but don't know if it's my place to interfere.

Help - any advice?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2019 18:12

I would tell her straight her miseries are her own doing. If she takes it upon herself to bitch to you, you are free to tell her the truth. I wouldn't be able to tolerate her, honestly.

Sexnotgender · 30/10/2019 18:13

Multiple professionals have no doubt told her what she needs to do and she clearly isn’t listening. I wouldn’t waste my breath.

Bringonspring · 30/10/2019 18:15

I agree that health professionals would have told her. It’s an addiction just like alcoholism, unfortunately you have to wait for them to realise it. One of those painful things about the NHS where they spend money on Phylis always issues but underestimate the mental issues driving the physical issues

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2019 18:16

She is in denial and in the depths of an eating disorder, but no-one has the balls to stand up to her and tell her that.

Do you honestly think none of the health professionals she’s seen have told her straight?

You don’t seem to like her very much, or have a particularly good relationship with her. There’s nothing to be gained by you interfering. It might relieve your frustration but it won’t do any good.

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2019 18:16

I would certainly be telling her not to blame the NHS for her situation - tell her if she is looking for someone to blame, the mirror is a good place to start.

Ask her if she wants to change? She may not have hit rock bottom yet.

On a more sensitive note - has she had an CBT to discuss her issues with food? This may be a good starting point - speak to GP? Is there a local group for overeaters where she can get support?

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2019 18:16

One of those painful things about the NHS where they spend money on Phylis

Yep. Bloody Phyllis. Haven’t seen her round these parts recently which is always a shame!

maslinpan · 30/10/2019 18:17

She won't want to hear the truth. You can be non-committal when she is complaining, and try to change the subject for your own sanity, but she clearly isn't ready to take on any responsibility for her health.

nanbread · 30/10/2019 18:17

I'd play dumb, and say, "it's so disappointing doctors aren't helping you - let's see what we can find online" - Google GERD treatment together and then read out what you find.

Then you could say, "oh great! That's all stuff you can do yourself without any medical intervention!"

If nothing else it might stop her from moaning to you about it.

misspiggy19 · 30/10/2019 18:18

Just leave her to it. She’ll eat her way to an early grave

ThatMuppetShow · 30/10/2019 18:21

I would just tell her that I absolutely refuse to hear another word about it. Ever. That I have absolutely no way to make her take responsibility for herself, but you can at least not be a part of it.

Facts are what they are, if she choses to ignore them, it's her problem.

If she needs help, or support, your door is open. Otherwise she can shut up at least around you.

That's how I would handle it, but I am possibly not the most patient person in the world.

Sparklfairy · 30/10/2019 18:24

Yep. Bloody Phyllis. Haven’t seen her round these parts recently which is always a shame!

Grin I often wonder how her little Messiah is doing.

Sorry OP didn't mean to derail the thread. It is frustrating, I know people like this. You won't win. If you tell her she'll carry on anyway. If you bite your tongue she'll carry on anyway.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:24

I honestly don't know what the health professionals have told her. I don't believe for one minute that they haven't been honest with her, but she is either choosing not to listen to them, or she is not telling them the truth.

Just leave her to it. She’ll eat her way to an early grave - very true. But should 'we' as a family live with that on our conscious? I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 30/10/2019 18:25

Every time she says anything I would just say

Please xxxxxx you know what you have to do, dr yyy said n9 fatty foods, lose weight, exercise etc etc. If you are closing not to take the help provided please don’t moan to me.

Every single time

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:26

Should be conscience!!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/10/2019 18:26

Has any of the family asked her what is driving her comfort eating and addictions?

In my experience, when parents pander to 40+ year olds, it's usually out of guilt.

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2019 18:26

I have been a health professional. There’s absolutely no way they haven’t told her what to do with her diet.

She is a competent adult who is allowed to make poor decisions. It’s not on you or your family.

Teachermaths · 30/10/2019 18:27

Good idea from a PP re googling with her. Be all blase and oh look how lucky you are, you can do this yourself etc.

If that doesn't work tell her to stfu.

Troels · 30/10/2019 18:30

Just leave her to it. She’ll eat her way to an early grave - very true. But should 'we' as a family live with that on our conscious? I honestly don't know.

Why are you worried about guilt. She is an adult. You aren't force feeding her and pretending her eating isn't a problem. She is doing this to herself. Only she can control this you can't make her.
I'm sure her health proffesionals have told her she is putting herself in for a world of hurt, throat cancer for one.
I wouldn't help her by providing the foods she is addicted to but you can't stop her either.

Beautiful3 · 30/10/2019 18:30

I honestly wouldnt say anything. She is a fully grown woman, only she can make the changes noone else.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:30

Panoka7 you are so spot on. She is the only one out of 3 who is single and childless and it is a VERY BIG THING in their family. PILs feel very guilty and responsible IMO and totally pander to her. If they say anything negative to her, she kicks off big style saying how unfair it all that she is on her own......but I think they make the situation worse.

I feel so bad for the PILs. They are in their 70s and still bearing the burden of their 50-something daughter when it should be the other way around.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 30/10/2019 18:32

Good idea from a PP re googling with her. Be all blase and oh look how lucky you are, you can do this yourself etc.

I agree. It’s certainly worth a try anyway.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/10/2019 18:35

Just leave her to it. She’ll eat her way to an early grave - very true. But should 'we' as a family live with that on our conscious? I honestly don't know.

Why would it be on your conscience? She’s an adult who has no doubt been told what she needs to do. If she won’t take responsibility for herself there’s no reason why you should.

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:36

Thank you MN. You have helped enormously. I see now that I need to leave her to it. I think I am just projecting a year into the future when she may possibly be terminally ill (I'm not exaggerating) and feeling that I didn't do enough to help. I hate the thought that I didn't help someone not to die, but maybe that's not my job......it's theirs?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2019 18:37

It's most likely she needs significant psychological input before she can face tackling the issues she has.

That sort of input doesn't exist on the NHS IME.

Can't offer any advice other than detaching Sad

Applesanbananas · 30/10/2019 18:38

no it shouldn't be on your conscience. Shes 50, she will never change without a miracle! Leave her to it but if she complains then tell her that you arent interested. All you are going to do is waste your breath and energy on someone who doesnt want to change.