To be so furious with SIL

[itsgoodtobehome]

OK, so I say furious, maybe I mean frustrated.

My SIL has some serious health issues. I am going to give the facts rather than opinion:

She is overweight
She had a gastric band fitted to overcome this
She has abused the gastric band by eating until she is full, and then throwing up so that she can then eat more
She is addicted to fatty, fried food
She smokes
She drinks way too much alcohol
She does no exercise

For over a year she has had a dreadful hacking cough and a severe hoarse throat. She has been diagnosed with a condition called GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) - I won't go into details - you can look it up of you want)

Bottom line is, the way to treat it is through lifestyle changes: lose weight, stop smoking, don't drink alcohol, avoid fatty foods, do exercise.

Saw her at the weekend. She is constantly coughing with this dreadful cough, and complaining about how awful she feels, and how the NHS is doing nothing to help her. At the same time, literally stuffing her face with deep fried fatty food. I asked her to come out for a walk with me on Sunday morning - she declined. She is waiting for 'someone' to give her an answer. I know what the answer is.....all of the above. She is in denial and in the depths of an eating disorder, but no-one has the balls to stand up to her and tell her that.

So, my question is, is there anything I can do to intervene, or do I just have to leave her to figure it out on her own? She is nearly 50 by the way, so not like she is a teenager - but very very reliant on her parents who totally pander to her. I feel like I am the only one who can see what is going on, but don't know if it's my place to interfere.

Help - any advice?

I agree with you totally Kate.

The definition of “help” is something someone can’t do for themself.

She knows what she needs to do and chooses not to. Until she wants to make changes, there is no help you can give her. Once she does, you can exercise with her, teach her healthy recipes, have motivational calls daily to keep her on track and lots of other things, but until she wants to do it, there is nothing you can do to help.

I am also surprised that she hasn’t been given medication for the reflux. If this is affecting Her vocal cords/throat, then all the people I know have been given PPI/antacids.

Esp as your SIL clearly has a serious eating disorder (and shouldnt have had gastric surgery in that case. Another case of people assuming she is just greedy).

Think about it, would you be as judgmental if she was anorexic rather than boulemic?

I understand that GERD can be a side affect of the gastric band, also it is not uncommon for those who have bariatric surgeryto replace their food addiction with another - often alcohol.

The band is not a solution, but your SIL knows this. But a band is also really difficult to find the sweet spot and can slip causing scaring and many are now having revision surgery to a bypass or sleeve.

To be honest she probably feels like shite, has self esteem on the floor and finds it easier to deflect blame. I understand all long this because I had a bypass and put some of the weight on, my head isn’t in the right place to make changes right now but I know what to do... you don’t get to the point of having bariatric surgery without knowing what you have to do.

So to help her, why not ask if she is happy? If she says no ask what will make her happy, I bet weight is somethiggg that comes up. Help her make a plan and ease her into the right path. Don’t preach, try not to judge (as someone who has had bariatric surgery I have been judged for being obese, having surgery, loosing weight quickly then being too small - you just can’t win!) and don’t be angry with her - it only expends negative energy for youand generally would have no impact on her!

Point her towards the paleo diet. There is nothing to touch it for GERD. Other than that either leave well alone or have a right pop at her telling her she is wasting resources.

The only thing you can change on a human being is a diaper. Just because you are fed up with her condition and attitude and understandably so, doesnt mean she is.

YABU for being furious with her, but I think you are grieving for your friend and that is likely influencing your emotions.

If your instinct is to help her, even if that be brutal honesty, then help her. If she doesn’t listen then at least you will know you tried. I’m sure you can find a kind way to phrase it if that’s what you decide.

Just leave her to it. She’ll eat her way to an early grave - very true. But should 'we' as a family live with that on our conscious? I honestly don't know.

This happened in my family. My mum was in your position and although I know she tried to help, she feels she didn’t do enough and my aunt died of a heart attack. It’s so tough because people will only change their ways if they really want to but I personally feel that I would have to have tried everything I could before giving up on her, having experienced it first hand.

@kateandme

I'm not comparing an ED to cancer, what I'm saying is that when you see one person facing a terminal illness and trying to stay healthy (but losing the battle), it can be frustrating when another person is abusing their body and saying that the NHS is doing nothing to help the (i.e. blaming medical professionals).

It doesn't mean her SIL doesn't desperately need help, but it sounds as if she won't accept it yet.

But that's the point exactly. and that people don't get with eating disorders are fatal and they are terminal if for whatever reason the person doesn't manage or can't at that point in time get help. It isn't a choice it's just like a big tumour in their mental health it can feel and often is impossible to get through some people manage ,something for some people just clicks but for others it can be fatal and like any other illness just as horrific.

You won't be able to do anything to help her lose weight, that has to come from her. To lose weight (which I know because I used to be morbidly obese) you need to have your head in the right place. She can't get her head in the right place while she feels so shit about herself. You could try helping her to feel better about herself by suggesting something she could do to help others, like volunteering in an animal rescue centre if she likes animals, or helping people learn to read. Anything like that would help build her self esteem, but it would be a long hard road before her self esteem gets improved. Once it is, she won't feel so worthless and will be able to start considering her health. There is no quick and easy fix, sadly. She should be on PPIs for her Gerd, and if she's not, she needs to see her GP urgently to get some. I am on PPIs and they work brilliantly.