To be so furious with SIL

[itsgoodtobehome]

OK, so I say furious, maybe I mean frustrated.

My SIL has some serious health issues. I am going to give the facts rather than opinion:

She is overweight
She had a gastric band fitted to overcome this
She has abused the gastric band by eating until she is full, and then throwing up so that she can then eat more
She is addicted to fatty, fried food
She smokes
She drinks way too much alcohol
She does no exercise

For over a year she has had a dreadful hacking cough and a severe hoarse throat. She has been diagnosed with a condition called GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) - I won't go into details - you can look it up of you want)

Bottom line is, the way to treat it is through lifestyle changes: lose weight, stop smoking, don't drink alcohol, avoid fatty foods, do exercise.

Saw her at the weekend. She is constantly coughing with this dreadful cough, and complaining about how awful she feels, and how the NHS is doing nothing to help her. At the same time, literally stuffing her face with deep fried fatty food. I asked her to come out for a walk with me on Sunday morning - she declined. She is waiting for 'someone' to give her an answer. I know what the answer is.....all of the above. She is in denial and in the depths of an eating disorder, but no-one has the balls to stand up to her and tell her that.

So, my question is, is there anything I can do to intervene, or do I just have to leave her to figure it out on her own? She is nearly 50 by the way, so not like she is a teenager - but very very reliant on her parents who totally pander to her. I feel like I am the only one who can see what is going on, but don't know if it's my place to interfere.

Help - any advice?

Of course there is nothing you can do, apart from support. No offence but did you really think going out for a walk was going to help?

She sounds fairly seriously ill, it must be completely overwhelming

I've known people like this, unfortunately they convince themselves that there must be something medically wrong and that doctors are just missing it as that is easier to handle than having to overhaul your life when your addicted to food and the such.
My mum is the same - I've told her how to improve her diet so many times to help with her IBS but she'd rather believe there must be something more serious going on (there isn't Drs have checked)

I agree with the blase reading from the internet - I doubt she'll listen but at least you know you have said something.

I can appreciate how you feel. DM is severely obese, has T2 diabetes and now practically immobile from arthritis and pressure on joints.
She had a gastric band fitted about 8 years ago and ironically quickly realised that it was easier to digest junk food than healthy .

When I caught her eating a massive slab of cake within a week of having it fitted I realised she would never deal with her eating issues.

None of it is her fault, it's her childhood, it's where she lives, it's her arthritis. She just will not accept that if she really addressed her diet and lifestyle, she would be and feel so much healthier and happier.

I no longer try and discuss it; she just gets emotional and shuts down. So frustrating.

@itsgoodtobehome ' I think I am just projecting a year into the future when she may possibly be terminally ill (I'm not exaggerating) and feeling that I didn't do enough to help.'

She's highly unlikely to be terminally ill as a result of this condition. Everyone frightens themselves up googling as we read the worse case scenarios, but honestly, it's very unlikely.

Have you phrased it in terms of an eating disorder? It might help her to look at it that way. If she told her doctor she was throwing up so she could eat more, they would eventually see that as a non-specific eating disorder at the very least. Has she told them she does that? I think they'd refer her for counselling if she did.

There are also some meds that can help Binge Eating Disorder.

I think she needs to say to her GP that she has an eating disorder, if she hasn't mentioned the throwing up then she should. They might refer her for counselling, and/or she could get private therapy- it can usually be afforded if prioritized. There's also the organization Ovreaters Anonymous which some people find helpful. www.oagb.org.uk/

I would find someone not helping themselves quite irritating. I think you have to to an extent distance yourself from this person, or at least from the issue of her health.

Say to her that this is effectively an ED, if she hasn't realised already, and that there might be some help available. After you've said that, you've done all you can and can only inwardly shrug. xx

What has she got to live for, seriously?
A fright of not living long enough to do ...... has worked with me and people i know.
I lost 2 stone, doesn't seem much but I'm very short. I wanted to live long enough to see my gd grow up a bit.
It's amazing what you can do with the will.

Find something to trigger her to start doing something. What about her dh, does she want to leave him on his own.
What will she do when her parents die, how will she cope?
Maybe a few comments here and there, not too obvious and she may see.
It's ok professionals telling you but you switch off when you leave their room. Constant chipping has a greater effect.

Yep, my SIL is a less extreme version of yours (no gastric band or smoking) but everything else fits.

She had a nasty health scare last year and I honestly thought that would be a turning point for lifestyle changes, but it wasn't.

My other SIL gets upset because she fears losing her sister early, but no one can make a 40-something change - she's an adult and it's her life. I do understand your frustration though.

You probably can't help her. Eating disorders are pernicious. Watching someone with one (whether what you describe or anorexia) is deeply traumatic. You need to temper your belief that it is your responsibility to help, otherwise your own mental health will suffer. I was once told (no proof this is true, but it sounds credible) that 1/3 of eating disorders are so severe they would be considered terminal illnesses. It is helpful to remember this when feeling infuriated that someone won't respond to all the efforts that others put in on their behalf.

should, not would

Does she have constant indigestion? I would have thought the pain of that would help control her food intake.

Maybe try a little reverse psychology

She is constantly coughing with this dreadful cough, and complaining about how awful she feels, and how the NHS is doing nothing to help her.

Agree with her that it is awful, what is she doing about it? Does she want you to go to an appointment with her?'
Follow her lead but with a proactive approach rather than sympathy. Questions not suggestions but only about what others should do not her. Kind of make it clear that you understand it is everyone else's problem and not hers. (Try not to laugh or sound sarcastic or patronising)

At the same time, literally stuffing her face with deep fried fatty food. Say 'it's really not fair is it when people suggest you shouldn't be able to eat what you want to - It must be very hard for you. I know you can't help it'.

I asked her to come out for a walk with me on Sunday morning - she declined. Say 'it's really not fair on you that you don't enjoy doing any activity that others do. I'm so glad I enjoy walking and feel able to be active.

Try and leave it at that.

Reason being - if she feels that she is being 'got at' that allows her to feel a victim and gives her further excuse, so don't - agree with her it's tough and that she can't change and then move on.

If/when - she accuses you of being patronising just say, 'you have made it clear that you can't change things and I am accepting that.'

It just makes it clear that you are not accepting any more responsibility for her. She loses the 'No one understands' victim mentality.

It probably won't make a difference but there is just a chance that she will reflect and realise it is up to her or even better 'Stuff that - I'll show her - who does she think she is? patronising bitch' Not that you actually want her to think that about you but if it kicks her into action I'm sure it would be worth it.

Worth a try? Maybe or maybe not but as nothing else has worked it could be worth giving it a go.

Long time lurker but felt the need to comment - I think I work with your SIL!!! Does she work in Leeds by any chance? the hacking cough is horrendous and annoys the WHOLE office

Isn't being furious with her a waste of energy/anger

She understands but clearly isn't psychologically capable of change

Frustrating yes, but pitiful really

Ask her what she thinks would help her to feel better?

She needs psychological help to help her to value herself enough to make some huge changes. She’s addicted to food, nicotine and, probably, alcohol. Feels like crap and, ironically only those substances make her feel any better (in the short term). It’s an absolutely massive mountain to climb, in a depressed state, to give up any of these and make the sort of changes she needs to and for life.

No easy fixes here with suggesting a nice walk or an apple. Very sad. She needs expert help over a very long period and sadly it’s unlikely to be available.

It doesn't help that a very good friend of mine died yesterday from cancer, and she fought with all her heart to stay alive. My fucking SIL can't even be arsed to get off the sofa and even give herself a chance

Yeah as I thought your concern is dressed up as contempt.

I’m very sorry about your friend but don’t make out you’re really bothered about your SIL.

I can tel you what NOT to do

• dint tell her what she should be doing/offer advice when she isn’t asking for it
• don’t tell her that if she feels dreadful, it’s her own fault
• dont ask her to come for a walk wth thé clear intention to somehow force her to do some exercise
• don’t treat her like a child.
• don't judge her.

Unkind "NoSauce* Of course OP is "bothered" Jesus

Unkind? The woman most probably has some MH issues and doesn’t need bashing from her SIL. Nobody in a good place self destructs like that.

I feel very sorry for your SIL. She sounds depressed and lonely, so turns to her addictions for comfort. I think she needs help with the mental issues before she can address the physical issues, as well as a lot of patience and kindness. She must feel dreadful about herself. I am sure that if she could just snap out of it, she would. I am surprised at the lack of empathy on this thread.

NoSauce totally agree with you. But I assume OP is being more tactful than this in real life, just letting off steam here.

How is this affecting your life? Leave her to it.

If the only reason you’d do anything is “conscience” then you’re not trying to do your best for her, you are trying for you.

It would be entirely different if you were sad about it because you care about her, but that’s clearly not the case so leave her be. If any of my in-laws tried to interfere in my life in this way they’d get short shrift.

I worked in the NHS for a long time and IME Doctors do not beat around the bush when it comes to telling patients that their health issues are weight related...far from it! Sometimes they're shockingly blunt, but they have to be I suppose because so many people like your SIL are in denial. So she will know full well what the advice for GERD entails. If she doesn't accept it from experts she's not going to accept it from you, unfortunately.

We have a similar issue with DH's Dad. He has had two heart attacks but refuses to exercise or make any changes to his diet because he won't accept that his lifestyle (terrible diet and he is completely sedentary, and I mean completely!) has anything to do with it. Because his Father died young from heart disease his excuse is "it's obviously genetic". He neglects to mention that his DF also spent all day every day sat on the sofa eating nothing but crap! It doesn't matter how many HCP's tell him about the importance of diet and exercise, he knows better than all of them apparently. He's always complaining about all his aches and pains, how he feels breathless and is always run down and constantly getting colds. But if we suggest ways to help he gets annoyed with us for "interfering". DH swings between worrying about him and being absolutely furious with him over it. I've given up to be honest, you can't help someone who as absolutely zero interest in helping themselves.

I feel very sorry for your SIL. She sounds depressed and lonely, so turns to her addictions for comfort.

I would feel considerably more sorry for her if she just admitted this instead of blaming everyone else, though.

I have also been fat and depressed and lonely and I also have GERD (although it's got a lot better since I lost some weight). I did not, however, blame anyone else for that, and nor did I constantly complain about it to other people and whine for sympathy all the time. I was miserable as hell, but I didn't see the need to make everyone around me miserable as well. I accepted that I needed to help myself before anyone else could help me.

Jesus. She clearly has mental health issues. You say yourself she has an eating disorder. Maybe a little kindness would go a long way, rather than being horrendously judgemental. I imagine she already knows all of the things that you are pondering telling her as some sort of 'wake up call'. Maybe try some kindness and understanding?

I don't think the OP is contemptuous of her SIL, she's thoroughly frustrated with her.

Seeing her friend with cancer fighting desperately to live has probably brought home how precious good health is - and then she sees her SIL making such poor choices. There are clearly underlying reasons for this, but it's still frustrating to witness.

what a horrible thing to ay comparing it to cancer! if she has an eating disroder which it sounds like she has then they are just as devastating and just as difficult/often impossible to overcome and therefore fatal.and this is NEVER EVER THE SUFFERS FAULT.ever.

to be eating so much and pushing it to the point of being sick this is far past just loving food or overeating it is an illness and disorder and will need more help than just telling her shes fucking fat.or taking her for a walk.pleeeeease.
there is obviously more psychological stuff going on and there snit the help out there for that
but if this is an eating disorder and she cant stop it right now then thats just it,like any other illness she cant at the momemnt stop it.
she needs support and love not people who if your posts are to go by looking down on her as a fat dump
noone get GERD if they can stop it.its horrific.