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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so furious with SIL

86 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:08

OK, so I say furious, maybe I mean frustrated.

My SIL has some serious health issues. I am going to give the facts rather than opinion:

She is overweight
She had a gastric band fitted to overcome this
She has abused the gastric band by eating until she is full, and then throwing up so that she can then eat more
She is addicted to fatty, fried food
She smokes
She drinks way too much alcohol
She does no exercise

For over a year she has had a dreadful hacking cough and a severe hoarse throat. She has been diagnosed with a condition called GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease) - I won't go into details - you can look it up of you want)

Bottom line is, the way to treat it is through lifestyle changes: lose weight, stop smoking, don't drink alcohol, avoid fatty foods, do exercise.

Saw her at the weekend. She is constantly coughing with this dreadful cough, and complaining about how awful she feels, and how the NHS is doing nothing to help her. At the same time, literally stuffing her face with deep fried fatty food. I asked her to come out for a walk with me on Sunday morning - she declined. She is waiting for 'someone' to give her an answer. I know what the answer is.....all of the above. She is in denial and in the depths of an eating disorder, but no-one has the balls to stand up to her and tell her that.

So, my question is, is there anything I can do to intervene, or do I just have to leave her to figure it out on her own? She is nearly 50 by the way, so not like she is a teenager - but very very reliant on her parents who totally pander to her. I feel like I am the only one who can see what is going on, but don't know if it's my place to interfere.

Help - any advice?

OP posts:
OnceFreshFish · 30/10/2019 18:43

Don't have a go at her if you actually want to help (although it might help vent your frustration). I would suggest a support group or therapy for overeating if you do anything at all. To be honest if she wanted to pursue any of this she probably already would have though.

madcatladyforever · 30/10/2019 18:44

I don't know how she does it, I paid for my gastric band and I HATE being sick. It's also extremely agonising to overeat, she must really work hard at abusing that thing. If she'd have some respect for it.

madcatladyforever · 30/10/2019 18:45

That should say if she's had to pay for it she'd have more respect for it.

Pantsomime · 30/10/2019 18:46

Can you feign anger on her behalf, tell her you are taking her to see her GP and that’s that - you’ll
Sort them out - can she make an appointment? She won’t of course and every time she mentions it say when are we goi g to the GP I’m sick of hearing this - if she doesn’t get the message and shuts up you can then tell her you dont want to hear it if she won’t get help

Chocmallows · 30/10/2019 18:47

Let her make her choices mistakes and deal with the consequences, she isn't a child.

OnlineShopping · 30/10/2019 18:48

Do you really think she hasn’t already googled or been told explicitly by one of her doctors? I’d be amazed if she doesn’t already know.

Sparky888 · 30/10/2019 18:48

She’s got an addiction and poor adaptive skills. Can you help her get help for that?

Original poster
itsgoodtobehome · 30/10/2019 18:48

It doesn't help that a very good friend of mine died yesterday from cancer, and she fought with all her heart to stay alive. My fucking SIL can't even be arsed to get off the sofa and even give herself a chance.

Urgh - it just goes against my instincts not to help somebody.

OP posts:
Jesse70 · 30/10/2019 18:52

Some people can't help themselves unfortunately
No matter what you say to them they really need that lightbulb moment
Food addiction is as bad as drink and drug addiction so u know nothing u will say will change her mind
But keep saying it anyway
I have an alcoholic in my family we all tell them how bad it is for them and how they are a different person when drunk health consequences etc but they still don't change
It sounds like she doesn't have much going on in her life so she's probably already feeling sorry for herself and using that as an excuse there's always an excuse for these people
U could maybe get her to start something that will help her make some friends or even go with her to slimming world or something similar that may give her a kick start

Nonnymum · 30/10/2019 18:52

It sounds as though she needs counselling. It's a very sad situation but I don't see what you can do about it. She needs to want to do somerhing about it and it sounds as though she doesn't really want to.

BackwardsGoing · 30/10/2019 18:54

My SIL is similar although not as extreme. I spent 10 years being sympathetic, supportive etc. but she's just gotten worse and worse as times gone on. I feel so sorry for her as it's really affected her mobility and eventually she won't be able to live independently.

Now I make no comment and I don't engage in any discussion about her health. She'll never change, I can't make her change. It's sad but there it is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2019 18:55

You don’t like how her parents are acting toward her. But can I just say that you are also playing into the guilt game.

Mummy and daddy feel guilty and pander to her. You feel guilty for looking on and seeing her and imagining her dying in a years time and if being your fault or her parents fault.

She sounds very damaged and one of those infuriating people, who don’t want help. What she really wants is a magic wand to take all the fat away, give her good health all whilst maintaining her current lifestyle. For some reason she’s probably stuck emotionally as a prepubescent child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2019 18:56

Just seen your update. That sounds hard. I’m sorry for your loss.

justasking111 · 30/10/2019 19:01

My friends father had the gastric band, did lose all the weight, looked perfectly normal. He did drink too much, smoked, cheated with food like your SIL, on holiday abroad he was found dead in his hotel room at 52.

She may well die as her consultants well know and I think you fear.

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 30/10/2019 19:03

The problem is gastric surgery is not a magic wand. It's bloody hard work! I had a sleeve and lost 11 stone 2 of which have come back on. I have Polycystic ovaries so it will be a lifelong battle. I drag my body out running because I know I need to do my bit. I eat rubbish sometimes but try to work that off with exercise. It is tough because the desire to eat the wrong thing is still there and I have to battle it. I would be dead without my op and so it is up to me to lame myself as healthy as I can through diet and exercise and try to ignore those temptations.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 19:05

Oh OP, that sucks. It must be frustrating indeed to hear SIL whining (and coughing) on.

Unfortunately like all addicts, she has to reach her 'rock bottom' and really want to create change herself - I doubt she'd go to overeaters anonymous, but assume she's aware of the help they can provide?

It's very normal indeed for family and friends of addicts to feel angry, disgusted and upset at someone else's self-destructive behaviour, but you CANNOT take any responsibility or effort on board yourself. It's down to her alone.

justasking111 · 30/10/2019 19:08

The cough with Gerd can be a sign of Barretts disease which is a higher risk of esophagus cancer. That may be more imminent than dying of overeating.

Sleepyhead19 · 30/10/2019 19:09

I know people like this except they all deny their lifestyle is unhealthy. My family included which frustrates me so much as I want them to be healthy and well but they are not and it’s their own fault mostly. The self pity kicks in then everyone runs around to say how special they are and not to feel that way.
I’m quite honest with them and of course, it’s not appreciated.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 19:10

3 Cs of handling an addict:-

I Didn’t Cause It
I Can’t Cure it
I Can’t Control It

SabineSchmetterling · 30/10/2019 19:10

My aunt was like this. It was sad and frustrating. She died aged 50. It didn’t have to be that way and her poor sons were only teenagers. Sad

IME there’s very little you can do if someone doesn’t want to change. My aunt knew she was literally killing herself and still couldn’t change. It was horribly sad to see.

fotheringhay · 30/10/2019 19:14

She's clearly very troubled and may even hate herself - I mean why else would she damage herself so badly? I second counselling, but saying that, don't feel it's your responsibility OP.

Sorry about your friend Flowers

mamandematribu · 30/10/2019 19:14

You can certainly tell her your opinion of all this and how her lifestyle/ mh issues are affecting her over all health and if she doesn't make changes then a may not be around much longer or have much of a marriage left.
But unless she actually wants to change and puts in the effort with some willpower I'm afraid it's pointless.

Salome61 · 30/10/2019 19:15

I watched a programme last night about overweight people called 'Who are You Calling Fat - it seems that several of them tested positive for a 'gene', I'm sorry I can't remember the name of it, but it makes people crave fatty foods,. My Mum was addicted to food and sadly died from gangrene of the small intestine - she was so overweight the symptoms didn't present until it was too late. I hope your SIL can get help.

MrsRedFly · 30/10/2019 19:15

I totally get why you are frustrated - my DH used to get so angry at his brother - who's morbidly obese.

He used to go on (&on) about how he shoulders healthy & exercise more.

I advised him to stop as it was every time his brother & wife would visit - he was going to lose the relationship with his brother if he kept lecturing him

My DH was upset & angry as he thought that all his brother had to do was lose weight - he just wanted his DBro to live a long & happy life.

There was nothing he could do - his DBro is an adult making his own lifestyle choices (and developed type 2 diabetes)

I know you want her to change - but you & everyone else can't change her - only she can make the choice to change

GhoulieBat · 30/10/2019 19:15

It sounds as if losing your friend, which is awful, has understandably ramped up your anger at SIL. Flowers You couldn't control what happened which is really hard, and maybe you wish you could control this. But I do agree with others, it's SIL's life and health and her own decision to make. If it was your own DH/DP that would be more complex but an SIL is not that close, and not your responsibility.

However that doesn't mean you have to listen to her moaning and making you even more annoyed. D0n't engage, just say "that must be hard" and change the subject or go and do something else.