Friend called me a bigot

[EarPhones]

Friend came to mine for dinner with her husband. One of our conversations got heated as I didn't agree with how lovely some religious traditions being discussed were. She pressed me a few times with few scenarios of what ifs. We dropped it for a while but something similar was brought up that didn't make sense and I asked what? Then she said in a condescending tone - "You got problems with and people of . So you're a bigot"

I was skirting around the awkward conversation/confrontation she was trying to drag me into. It felt so awful that she called me a bigot when I was hosting her and her husband for dinner. I haven't spoken to her since. I found her calling me bigot very offensive. DP says to talk since they are good friends and I don't have many friends. AIBU?

DP was feeling bad that I got stuck in this situation. Probably thinking I lost my friends over it and said he could sense that she was goading me. I came across agitated as I was worried about offending guests and DP and also got a bit defensive and had mix of reactions. My mind was too busy shutting down. He sided with neither party and gives neutral of what is done in Islam if someone asks. It doesn't always translate to whether he himself would do it.

She has a habit of picking arguments for the sake of it. But this time I felt too much was on stake so I responded however I did in the moment but her name calling hurt me. I'm not going to apologise. Not that she is hurt, it was just an argument for her and she was over it. It's me who don't want to see them again.

You should have thrown her out there and then. A tad unrealistic IRL, but think about it this way. If someone genuinely thought they were in the company of someone racist or whatever, why the fuck would they be sitting in their dining room having dinner with them. I certainly wouldn't. Your friend sounds like a virtue signalling, shit stirring little bitch.

That should read 'friend,' in parenthesis. If we're not allowed to criticise other cultures, then barbaric acts and the like continue to go unchecked. You cant call yourself progressive if you consider criticism of other cultures (as well as your own) to be off limits. Fuck that.

Honestly, I would also be upset and also angry. And I would have no interest in continuing a friendship with someone who believes that what she said is ok.

If that makes me a bigot, I accept it.

it was just an argument for her and she was over it

Huh. She probably thought it was a bit of "robust debating". Twat.

@20BloggersBlog

Yes but she was calling me out that I have a problem with a bigger charity donation and going on tangents with what if this scenario - is half for boy okay? What about boy and girl as twins? Like I care. I could feel falling into the trap but was too late. I was so stunned and this couple is my old friends, not DP.

I'd rather be a bigot than extend my tolerance for other people's religious beliefs so far that I was agreeing with the inherent inequality of women, that homosexuality is a sin or being in favour of male or female circumcision. I could go on... I'm not bothered which religions espouse these things, I'm not targeting one over another - these notions are simply contrary to my (secular) belief system.

Blind faith is blind. As is blindly telling the OP she has to tolerate practices she has a principled objection to.

Oh and your friend is a goady idiot. I can only suppose she is in favour of these notions given she is so 'unbigoted.'

Your allowed to disagree with your friends. She shouldn't have called you a bigot just becouse you have different beliefs instead she could just just polity explained why they do it and been cool about it. I am not religious I have friends who are we respect each other.

FWIW i dont think you sound like a bigot. You make sensible points.

Just because it's a religious tradition does not mean it's not unequal and therefore offensive. Name-calling as a defence when you have no actual defence is not a nice thing to do. I don't think this makes you a bigot. If I have understood your story correctly then your friend was the bigot as she was the one being intolerant.

I wonder if your 'friend' has her facts straight. I've been reading about Islamic customs when a baby is born and there's nothing about giving more money to charity for a boy than a girl.

"Scalp hair that has grown in utero is removed, traditionally on the seventh day of life, and an equivalent weight in silver is given to charity."

I did read that in some Islamic cultures, a sheep is sacrificed for a girl and two sheep for a boy (here lamb is ordered from the butcher); the article went on to say there is no religious reason for that, it's just a custom which probably arose because boys eventually generate more income. That doesn't necessarily apply in this day and age.

Iwould be proud to be called a bigot if it was because i believed and said that anything should be less for a girl

Can I just add some clarity here on the 2x donation for a boy vs 1 x donation for a girl.

As with many Islamic practices a superficial look may seem to indicate misogyny, however if the rules are looked at within the context they are meant then actually they are based on protecting women and girls.

Before Islam came to 7th century Arabia girls and women were treated like property - worse as often they were seen to have no value whatsoever. The common tradition was to bury a baby girl alive, purely for the crime of being a girl. How those parents lived with themselves is beyond me.

Islam set about trying to restore the status of women. One of these ways was to outlaw female infanticide. Another was was to place a greater ‘burden’ on the parents if they had a boy ie they had to pay for the cost of 2 x charity, so it was actually easier to have a girl and only pay 1 x charity. Otherwise girls were seen as just an extra cost - another mouth to feed, a dowry to be paid one day.
The charity in question nowadays appears to be a celebration of good news, however back then it was a duty to be paid. It is not at all related to the worth or a girl, or that of a boy. It was to equalise the treatment of girls and boys from the moment they were born.

OP - For your AIBU - no you are not being U, it is not incorrect to speak up against misogyny or any forms of inequality. However I hope the above has allowed you to now see this tradition in a different way.

That's very interesting Illstart and thanks for sharing. I guess the issue is that it has changed from a burden to a celebration and so this guidance now needs to change too or it will cause the damage it was trying to rectify. Good to know more about the history though.

@Bluerussian
I think it was about lamb/sheep sacrifice x2 and charity was baby hair weight equivalent of silver. Her dad gave bags of food (rice/flour/pulses) equal to her body weight to feed poor people in their home country. She was particularly goady on boy vs girl charity difference. I don't like saying sacrifice an animal and feel conflicted as I'm a meat eater so who am I to judge. Anyways, she was questioning me which kind of charities I found were acceptable then. So her facts were right I think.

I think she was out of line calling you a bigot. And essentially conversationally cornering you until you expressed a contrary opinion which she then jumped on, is just not a nice thing to do.
No apology necessary from you, and I'd keep my distance till she makes contact.

I tend to leap behind the nearest metaphorical tree whenever people are insistent on discussing facets of their religion that can be viewed as archaic, misogynistic or intolerant. It rarely ends well.

She was stupid to do this at your house. Politeness dictates that you don’t discuss religion. Bloody fatal at a dinner party. She’s also holding onto the intrinsic sexism of the ‘charitable’ act. She was therefore double rude, IMO.

I could feel falling into the trap but was too late. I was so stunned and this couple is my old friends, not DP.

If you look back can you remember other times your “friend” has made you feel like this? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time but maybe you’ve overlooked her undermining you in the past because you wanted to keep the friendship. I find when things like this happen seemingly out of the blue that when I look deeper I find red flags I’ve overlooked.

I reckon there’s an element of jealously in the friendship and she’s played a high-stakes game of debating you into a corner and insulting you in your own house to try to prove something to herself. Silly woman.

Debate is a healthy part of good relationships because it means people can respect each other’s differences and maybe even learn from each other. Which is the opposite of bigotry! So once things becomes heated and I feel my differences in opinion aren’t being respected I try to shut it down by saying: “Noted, but I stand by my opinion. We’ll have to agree to disagree.” That’s usually (not always) enough to put the fires out, but it seems in your example she wasn’t interested and wanted to keep pushing it.

I’d do some deep reflection on the friendship and work out how this woman makes you feel in general. Maybe she had a bad day and took it out on you or maybe she’s just toxic. Then decide what you want to do.