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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend called me a bigot

118 replies

EarPhones · 30/10/2019 13:54

Friend came to mine for dinner with her husband. One of our conversations got heated as I didn't agree with how lovely some religious traditions being discussed were. She pressed me a few times with few scenarios of what ifs. We dropped it for a while but something similar was brought up that didn't make sense and I asked what? Then she said in a condescending tone - "You got problems with and people of . So you're a bigot"

I was skirting around the awkward conversation/confrontation she was trying to drag me into. It felt so awful that she called me a bigot when I was hosting her and her husband for dinner. I haven't spoken to her since. I found her calling me bigot very offensive. DP says to talk since they are good friends and I don't have many friends. AIBU?

OP posts:
theoriginalmadambee · 30/10/2019 15:35

I wouldn't call her a friend, a shit stirrer perhaps?

Karwomannghia · 30/10/2019 15:38

But we should think about these traditions and what they meant then and why they still continue now. It’s not good enough to say it’s tradition. These religions should be making conscious changes to atone for the wrongs against women since their inception and be actively showing off that females are just as valuable. Saying something is a tradition does not immediately make it ok.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 15:39

Not that along ago it was usual practice for the Brides family to pay for the costs of a wedding in UK, so I wouldn't place to much credence on it being a religious or country problem.
Whilst you may have felt you were being sensitive and I am sure your friend feels she was too, religion and politics are very touchy subjects where there is no real winner, especially if you are not in agreement. Even if you feel your stance was correct, you were still trashing someones beliefs and most would take that personally
You don't need to apologies for believing what you do, but I think you should try and make build bridges, by contacting your friend and saying how sorry you are that things got so heated (hopefully she will do the same).

SomeonesSomeone · 30/10/2019 15:46

Am I getting this right because I am a tad confused.

Your DP is from a different religion and country to you.

This friend often drags up aspects of his religion and culture when you all meet, banging on and on about it.

Does she share your DP's religion and/or country of origin or is your DP alone in these things in this friends group.

If not, is she trying too hard on the virtue signalling front and totally overdoing it. Is she doing the offended on his behalf thing.

It sounds like she is over interested in your DP's traditional religious and cultural practices or trying to make you say something in front of him that would drive a wedge between you as a couple for some weird reason.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 15:46

@Karwomannghia,
Every religion and nation has demonised one group or another. Whether is it based on race, gender, their religion, colour or many other differences. The texts will have been written with the understandings and biases at the time, and subsequent rewriting.
Saying that its not normally the religion itself but the people who use and abuse it to gather more power and wealth for themselves, whilst discriminating against the people.
That's my view anyway

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/10/2019 15:53

I'm not sure anyone has the right to tell anybody else their belief is wrong or their own belief is right. We can say we disagree with it because of x, y and z or we believe it because of x,y and z but that is a far as it should go.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 30/10/2019 15:55

In my experience it’s best to just talk about the weather and leave it at that.

contrary13 · 30/10/2019 15:56

I think that if not believing a child born male is worth double that of a child born female, equates to bigotry... I'm probably going to be classed as one, too.

My own religion holds a similar belief in that men and women, boys and girls are separated during services. A married woman has to have her hair covered, lest a man who is not her husband desire her (?!). In the more Orthadox strain, trousers are not allowed to be worn by women at all, and girls are trained (I can't think of another word to describe this, because it goes beyond "teaching" as that usually stops at home, during family time) to be subservient to their father/brother/husband's will.

Although I cover my head (my children can't actually recall the last time they saw my hair), the rest? Bah. I've been slated as being anti- my own religion in the past, because I've questioned why I'm not deemed equal to my brother, or my daughter to my son. I also "married out", so I have that going against me, too (my religion goes down the maternal line).

Whilst "bigot" sounds awful, a horrible thing to be labelled as... you're questioning the inequality of a way of life, at the end of the day. And that is how the world evolves. My 14 year old son has just pointed out, too (as I'm having a quiet little rant about this) that if a sacrifice is made for a child born male, and that child grows up to decide that actually? They're female... do the family demand half the sacrifice back from the charity it goes to?

Derbee · 30/10/2019 15:57

If we're talking about a religion where you donate X to charity to celebrate a little girl's birth, and 2 x X to charity to celebrate a little boy's birth, and if your point was that this can only mean that the religion in question values girls less than boys, then I agree with you and I don't mind being called a bigot for it

Totally agree with this. Don’t call her. She can apologise or she doesn’t need to come to your house anymore.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/10/2019 15:58

Where religious nonsense beliefs disagree with equality, then equality wins

If only ...

Kaddm · 30/10/2019 16:01

Bin her off

Karwomannghia · 30/10/2019 16:08

Cheese I know this. I’m an ex Christian so I guess after having to swallow and make allowances for ancient texts still being used to support very modern acts of oppression against women, gay people, the poor, people of other races etc etc I finally saw the real light and broke off the handcuffs. Jesus tried to modernise Christianity but judging by today’s Christians (Trump anyone?) he didn’t manage it. He also had an all male entourage- all disciples were male. The longer we say well it was of its time the longer the acceptance goes on. You can’t have a modern version because that would require these religions to accept the past scriptures were wrong. Something they won’t do. The Old Testament is still read out in every church service. The ‘modern’ church is inextricably tied to ancient misogynistic culture. Catholic Churches still don’t allow female priests! There’s nothing about interpreting the religion to suit one’s own needs there, it’s set out in black and white, a ruling against women.
Yes in essence there’s love, but these religions have strayed so far from the essence I do not understand why people agree to follow them and try and do all this mental acrobatics trying to make everything ok and make sense when they have a choice to say actually, elements of this are wrong. Wrong and harmful and hateful and I don’t want to be allied with it in any way. The nail in the coffin for me was when my vicar wrote a letter to the AofC saying how gay vicars should not be allowed. Where is the love there? From a LEADER? Rowan Williams at that time said it was ok apart from anal sex.
I walked away then and it felt amazing. I still have faith of a sort without attaching to any doctrine. How refreshing. Now It turns outmy ds is gay and I can love him without any niggles that it’s wrong or bad or anything else.
Make your own rules, based in love.

leckford · 30/10/2019 16:10

Just don’t bother to see them any more they sound like pitas

BloggersBlog · 30/10/2019 16:20

If we're talking about a religion where you donate X to charity to celebrate a little girl's birth, and 2 x X to charity to celebrate a little boy's birth, and if your point was that this can only mean that the religion in question values girls less than boys, then I agree with you and I don't mind being called a bigot for it

OP Can you confirm if this is correct?

monkeymonkey2010 · 30/10/2019 16:33

She was trying to corner me when I was trying to avoid saying anything...she will start a religious discussion with my DP and then tries to stir it up a bit

She's a drama, attention seeking twatbag who enjoys goading people so she can act like a morally superior human being.
She isn't a friend.
A friend would agree to disagree and move on...not attack you to manipulate a defensive response out of you, which could then be used as 'evidence' of your 'guilt'.

She clearly just doesn't like you and is just spoiling for a fight.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 30/10/2019 16:41

Well you invited them over for dinner so whatever problem you have wasnt that big. You are allowed to be a different religion / not have the same faith.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/10/2019 16:43

Superb post, Karwomannghia ... you just articulated brilliantly the difference between faith and religion

Beveren · 30/10/2019 16:45

As a previous poster has already said it simply isn't a case of a daughter's birth being any less special or valid than a sons but rather a daughter is a gift herself so you are not expected to give as much too charity.

Which is discriminatory against boys.

TheQueef · 30/10/2019 16:48

Is this about lamb sacrifice?

Purpleartichoke · 30/10/2019 16:50

“Lovely religious tradition” is never an excuse for sexism, racism, physical, or emotional harm.

It sounds like you were pointing out the sexism inherent in a religious practice. Good for you. It’s a battle that needs to be fought.

IAmcuriousyellow · 30/10/2019 16:57

She sounds a bit chippy somehow OP.. they’re friends of your DP and you’re in a new relationship? Shame religion had to be discussed at all, no good comes of it. But I don’t think you were unreasonable to question something which was already in discussion.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 16:58

I would drop her like a stone. I just couldn't be bothered with somebody who is so desperate to talk about subjects like that and try to entrap somebody with a differing correct view.

Leave her too it, she sounds like a knob. Leave her to find another friend to harangue.

Billben · 30/10/2019 17:03

DP says to talk since they are good friends and I don't have many friends

Wow, this comment of his would have given me the rage. How patronising. I take it he wasn’t siding with you in this argument. You really don’t need many friends, you just need good ones. And this woman doesn’t sound like a good one to me. I would be keeping my distance.

MrsBethel · 30/10/2019 17:07

You are perfectly entitled to think it is wrong to give a lesser donation for a girl's birth. And you are perfectly entitled to say so.

The definition of a bigot is someone who can't cope with others having different views than they do. So there's only one bigot here, and it's this dreadfully rude guest.

I'd tell your DP that she needs to apologises to you for her behaviour. If she did that, maybe you could give her a second chance...

anniemac1 · 30/10/2019 17:21

Free speech. Be yourselfxxxx