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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend called me a bigot

118 replies

EarPhones · 30/10/2019 13:54

Friend came to mine for dinner with her husband. One of our conversations got heated as I didn't agree with how lovely some religious traditions being discussed were. She pressed me a few times with few scenarios of what ifs. We dropped it for a while but something similar was brought up that didn't make sense and I asked what? Then she said in a condescending tone - "You got problems with and people of . So you're a bigot"

I was skirting around the awkward conversation/confrontation she was trying to drag me into. It felt so awful that she called me a bigot when I was hosting her and her husband for dinner. I haven't spoken to her since. I found her calling me bigot very offensive. DP says to talk since they are good friends and I don't have many friends. AIBU?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 30/10/2019 14:06

Oh I see. You called out her misogyny. So she called you a bigot in reaction to that.

gamerchick · 30/10/2019 14:10

Never talk about religion or politics around a dinner table. No good ever comes of it.

Ponoka7 · 30/10/2019 14:11

She was out of order.

That's a tough subject, while in their iwn country. Whilst we should be removing the sexism, people are still having to live by the norms of their society. Fathers have to pay more out fir their daughters than their sons (in general), so now it makes sense.

But traditionally ut was because boys were worth more, which was wrong, but it was the case in every society, at one time.

She was rude and should have put it more sensitively. However she may be from a culture that doesn't do sensitive.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 14:12

YANBU to never want to talk to the misogynistic 'friend' again. The religion's practice is sexist. I wouldn't want to speak to someone who called me names anyway.

calllaaalllaaammma · 30/10/2019 14:13

If we're talking about a religion where you donate X to charity to celebrate a little girl's birth, and 2 x X to charity to celebrate a little boy's birth, and if your point was that this can only mean that the religion in question values girls less than boys, then I agree with you and I don't mind being called a bigot for it.

I agree with this.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2019 14:13

The definition of bigot is:
'a person who is intolerant towards those holding different opinions.'

This person seems to be intolerant of you - entirely reasonably imo - not agreeing with sexist practices in a particular religion.

Very rude, I'm not surprised you're upset.

Fweakout · 30/10/2019 14:15

You're not a bigot and that isn't a lovely tradition

Aderyn19 · 30/10/2019 14:15

X posted with you OP. Yanbu.

Bluerussian · 30/10/2019 14:20

I originally thought it was her partner whose religion was being discussed though I see you put 'my DP' in original post.

Oh well, she was rude in my opinion.

Hanab · 30/10/2019 14:20

I know exactly what you are talking about and it does not devalue woman in any way .. you don’t have to engage with your friend as many people have different opinions..

You have to look at it in a very broad context re: religion.. ( this specific 1) what a woman earns, inherits or has is solely hers ..

A man must look after his wife, children & parents .. he gets more money but has to share ..

You know what I am talking about ...

She was looking for an argument, she could just let it go .. you don’t have to agree but religion is simple .. humans are flawed 🤷🏻‍♀️

diddl · 30/10/2019 14:21

I couldn't be friends with someone who thought that that was Ok.

Presumably your partner also does?

I'd rather have no friends than friends who think like that & push you into a corner about it.

Melroses · 30/10/2019 14:24

Calling names is the last resort of people with no argument.

DGRossetti · 30/10/2019 14:25

The definition of bigot is: 'a person who is intolerant towards those holding different opinions.'

Doesn't really allow for much nuance though, does it ?

Someone might have an opinion that puppies are best served with relish and jacket potatoes. Being intolerant of that opinion isn't very "bigoted" (unless it's to argue kittens taste better).

ReanimatedSGB · 30/10/2019 14:26

Some people are very determined to force an argument about their imaginary friend so they can then claim discrimination/bigotry is being inflicted on them. She sounds like a rude twat. If you have to deal with her again, just smile and change the subject, or repeat that other people's cultural beliefs are their business and you have no interest in discussion them.

Original poster
EarPhones · 30/10/2019 14:29

I wasn't slagging off the religion and she kept pressing on the fact that 'it's charitable so how could I disagree giving more to a charity'

Anyways the word bigot hurt me a lot idk why. If she called me stupid or silly, may be we still be friends who knows.

OP posts:
GPatz · 30/10/2019 14:30

'You found it 'offensive' to be called a bigot but you somehow expect other people not to find it offensive when you slag off their religion and country of origin? Wow'

Where did you get the idea that the OP 'slagged off' the guests religion?

OhDeari · 30/10/2019 14:30

I don't get the argument.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 14:32

She sounds like a horrible bully who just wanted to win an argument / score cheap points at your expense / paint you in a bad light in front of your DP. Why would you WANT to be friends with her?!

PopeHalloweerious · 30/10/2019 14:35

''it's charitable so how could I disagree giving more to a charity''

To which the obvious response is "I don't, I disagree with giving LESS to a charity for a girl."

Footiefan2019 · 30/10/2019 14:37

I work with a man who says FGM is part of his religion and the police should butt out. I disagree with him and have even considered reporting him to some sort of anonymous number but he doesn’t actually have kids he might be doing it to. That’s not bigotry that’s disagreeing.

Footiefan2019 · 30/10/2019 14:39

OP Basically your DP is from a particular country and religion and in that religion you give money when a child is born - twice as much for a boy than a girl ? And you disagree with this bc it’s like saying girls are worth less? And your friend says this is bigoted ?

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 30/10/2019 14:40

So your friend comes over to your house to visit and your DP is of a different religion to you all. Your friend then brings up his religion continuously and calls you the bigot?

I think she's a bigot OP and is projecting her issues onto you. Tell her to fuck off. Silly bitch.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/10/2019 14:40

If this is about the tradition that some Muslim countries have of giving charity to the needy after the birth of a child, then the reason you give less if you have a girl (compared to a boy) is because in those countries the birth of a girl into a family is often considered a holy act in itself. So there is no need to off-set your sins to the same extent as if you had a son.

Footiefan2019 · 30/10/2019 14:41

@hanab what has that got to do with donating money when a baby is born though ? The money is solely the woman thing is to do with marriage and when the baby grows up, no?

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2019 14:43

Doesn't really allow for much nuance though, does it ?

You can certainly be intolerant of ideas, religions, opinions - it's the lack of tolerance towards the person holding those ideas which makes someone a bigot.