Friend called me a bigot

[EarPhones]

Friend came to mine for dinner with her husband. One of our conversations got heated as I didn't agree with how lovely some religious traditions being discussed were. She pressed me a few times with few scenarios of what ifs. We dropped it for a while but something similar was brought up that didn't make sense and I asked what? Then she said in a condescending tone - "You got problems with and people of . So you're a bigot"

I was skirting around the awkward conversation/confrontation she was trying to drag me into. It felt so awful that she called me a bigot when I was hosting her and her husband for dinner. I haven't spoken to her since. I found her calling me bigot very offensive. DP says to talk since they are good friends and I don't have many friends. AIBU?

It has nothing to do about the relative worth of boys and girls. Of course I’m not sure you’re talking about Islam here but as this is your partner (and the friends’) religious / cultural practice and not yours, the polite thing to do would have been not to express a strong opinion unless you were sure of the facts. Perhaps this is the reason why you don’t have many frienda?

I wouldn't call someone a bigot because they disagree with something, but how you vocalise that disagreement could appear bigoted.
I would also stop and think if this is your DPs religion and those are his beliefs then you are not likely to be very compatible.

The conversation became heated, then was dropped. You should have left it there OP.

It isn't bigoted to disagree with religious practices. And presumably if you were bigoted towards people from a particular country you wouldn't be dating someone from that country.

Your friend sounds like a stirrer.

the birth of a girl into a family is often considered a holy act in itself. So there is no need to off-set your sins to the same extent as if you had a son

Where religious nonsense beliefs disagree with equality, then equality wins. Whether the tradition / belief thinks girls or boys arise out of more or less sin, the act is divisive.

I hate the word 'bigot' as it doesn't actually mean anything at all - it's just an unqualified term with which to abuse and belittle people who disagree with you. Without wanting to be flippant, it's not that different from an adult version of kids calling other kids 'smelly pooheads' in the playground.

My views are the 'correct' ones ergo anybody who disagrees with me is a bigot. In the same way, I will tolerate anything apart from intolerance: I am right and anybody with different opinions or beliefs is wrong and this is just the way things are. Of course, I wouldn't expect a bigot to understand or realise this truth....

Incidentally @ThreeLittleDots these are often the same countries where men need to pay women dowry. Some traditions have arisen to protect women because without this all countries would have opted the ‘milk weaning’ or burial culture of female infanticide per some Indian and middle eastern beliefs (ie surplus girls are drowned in a pail of milk, or buried alive in a field like Sita was in the Ramayana)

The conversation became heated, then was dropped. You should have left it there OP.

But it was her friend who brought it up again, from my reading?

Disagreeing with people’s beliefs/customs/lifestyle doesn’t make you a bigot. As a culture often mislabel disagreement as hatred.

And it’s pretty rude to insult your hosts!

OP, having read some of your further responses in this thread I can see why you are upset by this. It wasn't nice of your friend to drive you into a corner and try to force you to clearly say something you knew would cause upset. At the same time, why not just come out and say it? There's nothing bigoted about standing up for your opinion about religious practices. Everyone's free to pick their position on these issues.

Stick up for yourself. If people can't stand you taking a different view of things then that's their problem. I've had a few arguments in the past with friends about circumcision (I don't approve of it) - but we've all stayed firm friends.

GrumpyHoonMain Yes that's all very interesting from a historical and cultural perspective, but to be pressed with 'what ifs', backed into a corner and called a bigot when acting as host in one's own home, purely for not saying what the guest wanted to hear, is not on, and OP is not being unreasonable to be offended.

You were hosting her and she had an agenda which resulted in her insulting you in your own home. It was only going to end one way and she knew it otherwise she'd have followed your cues to stop or change the subject instead of provoking and pushing you.
No you should not apologise.

Majorcollywobble I thought Christmas trees were a thing after Albert gave one to Victoria before they were married?
So not a religious tradition but maybe a Victorian tradition?
I could be wrong.

You can't argue about Politics or religion as everyone has their own opinion.
certainly two topics to avoid over dinner with friends.

she was pressing me into agreeing

Surely SHE's the bigot for insisting you agree with her!

I don't agree with giving religion a free pass either. I have my beliefs- others have theirs. I give respect and expect respect in return. Respectful disagreement isn't bigotry.

'Bigot' is a highly offensive word used by activists and similarly-minded people. It isn't good enough for them that people are tolerant - they are expected to jump on bandwagons and shout from rooftops (figuratively speaking) and go out of their way to engage with people from minorities.

You mention DP's religion. If you were a bigot you would hardly be with him, would you? You are not a bigot and you are not being unreasonable. Your friend was unreasonable, though.

For anyone that isn’t clear, op is talking about killing (I imagine slitting throats and allowing to drain) and donating one dead animal for a girl and 2 for a boy.

Your friend is an idiot. The conversation isn’t even about how much you donate but the practice in the first place. Patronising, horrible, misogynistic practice. I cannot imagine women, y‘ know, the ones, who carried and birthed the child thought that one up.

She really wanted a fight to call you a bigot for not thinking killing and donating 2 dead animals is better than one.

You were hosting and she clearly had a bee in her bonnet and wanted to get a reaction which she did. As a previous poster has already said it simply isn't a case of a daughter's birth being any less special or valid than a sons but rather a daughter is a gift herself so you are not expected to give as much too charity. You can do so if you wish, I have the same amount for both my dd and ds as both my kids are a gift to me not just dd and we are in a financial position to be able to do so.

She is not a friend to you and I would ditch her. Totally not unreasonable for you to be hurt but you definitely don't understand the above practice and it is not all about or anything to do with boys being worth more than girls! Unfortunately that tends to stem from culture rather than religious practices and clearly isn't true, as us females.run the world!

On a side note I really don't understand why people get married to men or women from a different faith when you disagree fundamentally with facets of that faith? Unless of course they are religious in name only and don't practise which is fair enough.

Grit your teeth, smile and say 'we'll have to agree to disagree on that point' and repeat as necessary (and it probably will be necessary to repeat). It takes two to argue so just avoid and deflect (that goes for her in person as well as her verbal presence!).

Disagreeing with certain religious/cultural practices is not bigotry. I'm not happy with some in my own religious tradition - and say so when the subject arises.

Those who use the word are usually virtue-signalling.

Suttee anyone?

I'm not sure I'd want to continue with a relationship after finding out that my DP's religious beliefs meant that he places a greater value on sons than daughters - or does that miss the point?

YANBU. People dismissing and allowing ancient customs that uphold the oppression of women do need to have it pointed out, repeatedly. I applaud you for not staying quiet.
The religious people who protest have only one retaliation- you’re offending me.
Well sorry but wake up and stop swallowing misogyny. You touched a nerve hence the comment. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve helped her step slightly closer to enlightenment.

MumW

I'm not sure I'd want to continue with a relationship after finding out that my DP's religious beliefs meant that he places a greater value on sons than daughters

Like the CofE and the British monarchy until a couple of years ago? This seems quite a stark choice to make.... I had my first born redeemed in a very moving Jewish religious ceremony when he was a month old. I didn't think of it as placing greater value on him - it was just a tradition that was nice to do.

It's unclear what religion it is but if it's the one mentioned on this thread already, I'm also part of that religion and always call out unequal practices which are almost always cultural rather than religious. So no if you disagreed on those grounds with it I don't think you're a bigot and she has no right to call you that. Some people just love playing the victim but that's common to all religions I find.