To think that marriages have a shelf-life

[Blindspot82]

I think most people fall in love with the idea of marriage.....committed to one person, forever, forsaking all others, till death do us part. It sounds very romantic at the time and people who do marry probably have the best intentions........at the time. The idea of finding a soulmate is very comforting.

And then, after the kids come along and years upon years spent nappy-changing, domestic servitude, repetitive boring sex, or no sex at all, washing clothes, little to no interesting conversation, ironing, paying bills etc etc the dream is over, the spouse is at best, a very good friend who you love but no longer fancy and surprise surprise, people find themselves straying, or catching their partner straying.

Lots of people do remain in committed marriages but equally, so many people take lovers, have polygamous agreements, or just end up splitting to start afresh. People feel bad for having affairs, but they're too scared to end a dead marriage for various reasons.......social condemnation, security, etc etc. I wonder if marriages do have a natural shelf-life and we're biologically pre-disposed to couple romantically with more than one lifelong partner. Lots of other cultures don't have the puritan Western view of one lover. Is it setting yourself up for failure to expect total emotional and physical loyalty to one person, for the rest of your life? "For the rest of your life" is a long fucking time! I think most people find it too long. AIBU???

YABU - some do (generally the type of people who get off on the thrill of the chase / honeymoon period) but lots definitely don't. If a person is lucky enough to marry their soulmate and they form a deep partnership that just strengthens every year then why would that have a shelf life?

Not all couples have kids and not all couples find looking after their kids boring. With many couples the sex just gets better and better.

YANBU. I don’t believe in the concept of “soulmates”.

I do think that we should change the language around marriages ending. A marriage coming to an end needn’t be a failure for example.

I don’t know as I get older, 45 now, the thought of starting again with someone new is less appealing. I also like that Dh knew me at 25. We get on well without stresses of tiredness so when all that passes I reckon it’ll be like the old days of having a pretty good time. Just coming out of toddler tiredness now and things feel good.

I love being married to my DH. It's both our second marriages so perhaps that adds some meat to your suggestion.

Someone once told me that marriage should be a five year contract with a renewal period.

When the renewal is due then you can re-negotiate terms and/or call it a day. I like that concept. However I think I'd always look to renew with this one.

You are absolutely right, OP. The idea of marriage being a partnership 'until death do us part' is a leftover from medieval days when people didn't live much beyond 45. Now that life expectancy is so much longer, it stands to reason that many people will change over the years to the extent that they and their spouse are no longer compatible.

It has occurred to me that some people who are so critical of spouses who have chosen to separate are stuck in unhappy marriages themselves and don't have an escape route.

YABU. Marriage IS a partnership. One that goes through seasons in life and matures into different stages. The first blush of romance isn't the be all and end all. People get addicted to the passion and drama. That's just childish and leads to a lot of people getting hurt including any children produced.

Think of it more as a good novel or movie. Characters grow and change together. No need to fall into a rut if you both don't want to.

Our marriage (nearly 30 years) has had some amazing times and some truly awful ones. I think the only thing that has made it last is that neither of us has wanted to leave at the same time, being completely honest.

It's been much easier over the last few years though as I think we've now found a really deep seated affection for each other and realised how lucky we are.

YABU , you just need to be a bit pickier at the beginning and pick the right man . I’ve been married for 30 yrs and don’t recognise your description of boring sex , domestic servitude and lack of interesting conversation .

I think the marriages that survive are because those people are able to adapt and grow TOGETHER not adapt and grow in opposite directions. My love life has been a disaster, but then that is not surprising because I met people who were inflexible narcissists, not normal sane people who now you have to compromise sometimes and that you have to evolve in order to thrive. People who wanted to control everything but change nothing. Yep, no wonder they didn't work out BUT equally I have seen many successful marriages and think that was down to them adjusting to the changes in their lives, being able to shift roles as they needed and compromise and make sacrifices when required, whilst also having space to develop and grow as people.

Bad marriages fail for a good reason. Good marriages succeed over the tiniest actions. I don't think people get divorced because their spouse won't load the dishwasher, but I think that it's those seemingly irrelevant tiny actions that result in longevity. And why would you argue about it? Surely you come to a solution. And if you can't, the issue is the relationship not the dishwasher. I think a lot of men people think that it's "not their job" but in a successful marriage it's whoever's job it happens to be right Then. It's down to whoever isn't otherwise indisposed doing the big stuff of life like forging a career, raising kids, writing books, running marathons, drinking tea with the neighbours/kids/grandkids/great grandkids.

Some marriages probably have a shelf life but if you're saying that every marriage "goes off" after a certain point and people who stay in their marriages are just putting on a front then I don't agree.

I can't really see the point of getting married if you aren't in it for the long haul. Nothing is going to be shiny and exciting all of the time - life isn't like that. I like that my husband knows the good and bad of me and is here anyway. I want real commitment, not just the thrill of the new.

I think they do, we live such a long time now. I'm upset my marriage has ended but I've met so many others with circa 20 years who have just drifted apart

Someone once told me that marriage should be a five year contract with a renewal period.

I thought this when I got married - although I put 10 years on it. The idea of forever honestly terrified me.

So, I don't disagree, but I don't fully agree either. Like a PP I like the idea that DP knew me and loved me when I was 27 and still knows me and loves me 19 years down the line even though I'm a radically different person physically, emotionally and mentally than I was then.

I can see others might want the contract renewal thing but I’d definitely opt out of that. I’d hate it.

You seem to know a lot about other people’s relationships. I would only feel qualified to talk about my own

I had a good marriage. Part of it being good was the way and time it ended.

I absolutely don’t regret a minute of it.

I can see others might want the contract renewal thing but I’d definitely opt out of that. I’d hate it.

I would too - couldn't do with outsiders telling us how to run our own marriage.

Your description of marriage doesn’t apply to mine in the slightest. Next year we will celebrate 17 years of marriage. We haven’t had any ups and downs, raising our DD together, support each other’s work and also our family business. Of course life is repetitive, there will always be the house to clean, washing to do etc that’s normal for everyone unless you’re in a marriage or not

the thing is nowadays people rush into relationships way too quickly - have kids within months of meeting etc. so when they find out who the other person is its a bit of a shock!

Also no-one has to be bored anymore, there is so much around us and veryting instant gratification the moment a marraige is boring or hard people give up.

YABU, I love being married and so does my DH, we plan on being together forever. Our sex life is great and as for boring conversation, DH and I hate being apart, talk non stop and laugh every day. We ARE soulmates. We don't have children (by choice) but pretty sure we'd still be soulmates even with kids tagging along.

I was married for the best part of 30 years until the death do us part bit happened.
We had our hard years with young children, little money and general stress of it all but we were a partnership. We worked together for the good of our family. Each played to our strengths and supported each other both financially and emotionally.
Never once did I think of cheating or divorce and I would bet my last breath that my husband didn’t either.

Some marriages do. Like my first.

But I know I picked the wrong bloke. There's no way my second marriage will break up. I can honestly say it's better now than two decades ago.

Many marriages still last until death, or dementia parts them.
Different people have different experiences.

YANBU in most cases, your list applies to so many who have married for the wedding not even contemplating their vows.
marriage is far too easy, some people go into it blind and ill prepared.

YABU from the pov I don't recognise your post in our 27 year marriage.
We compromise and work through issues, rather than giving up at the first hurdle because it isn't perfect.

Treblebadger Do you know me? I've been saying that for many years, and always get shot down as being curmudgeonly and unromantic!