To think that marriages have a shelf-life

[Blindspot82]

I think most people fall in love with the idea of marriage.....committed to one person, forever, forsaking all others, till death do us part. It sounds very romantic at the time and people who do marry probably have the best intentions........at the time. The idea of finding a soulmate is very comforting.

And then, after the kids come along and years upon years spent nappy-changing, domestic servitude, repetitive boring sex, or no sex at all, washing clothes, little to no interesting conversation, ironing, paying bills etc etc the dream is over, the spouse is at best, a very good friend who you love but no longer fancy and surprise surprise, people find themselves straying, or catching their partner straying.

Lots of people do remain in committed marriages but equally, so many people take lovers, have polygamous agreements, or just end up splitting to start afresh. People feel bad for having affairs, but they're too scared to end a dead marriage for various reasons.......social condemnation, security, etc etc. I wonder if marriages do have a natural shelf-life and we're biologically pre-disposed to couple romantically with more than one lifelong partner. Lots of other cultures don't have the puritan Western view of one lover. Is it setting yourself up for failure to expect total emotional and physical loyalty to one person, for the rest of your life? "For the rest of your life" is a long fucking time! I think most people find it too long. AIBU???

And of course lots of it is dumb luck.

DH was my friend who was a right laugh and very good looking. We were both seeing other people but we had a big crush on each other, that probably built because we were off limits so to speak.

By the time we got together we were madly in love and very much jumped into having kids. I got with him because he was fun and pretty without giving too much though to the kind of life partner he’d be.

I’ve been very lucky how it all turned out with him (so far), but we have worked through the rough times.

And sadly I’ve also seen kids quite fucked up by seemingly amicable divorces. DS’s best mate announced to us all over the dinner table one play date, with a very wobbly voice, that his mum and dad had decided to not be together any more, but they both loved him very much. I know he sees lots of them both, both now have new, seemingly nice, partners. But he’s not the bouncy, confident little boy he was, not by a long long way.

And of course lots of it is dumb luck.

Absolutely this.

DH is an incredible Husband and Father. I feel lucky every day that I met and married someone so genuinely lovely. But it's sheer dumb luck that we've made it through; we've had rough patches and hard times and so far we've managed to pull together and work through til we reach the good patches again. I'm not arrogant enough to imagine that there's some mystical formula that guarantees our marriage to work; it's chance.

Yes you have to work at it, but it's very very hard when one of you tried hard and the other doesn't bother. My marriage may not have reached the end of its 'shelf life' but I reckon we're in 'best before' territory.

It’s probably a bit lame to quote a song but I really do think the Sunscreen one has it right

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance; so are everybody else’s

MarshaBradyo

I hadn’t heard that. Thank you for posting - I really like the sentiment!

It’s fab the rest is v good too

Fudge

All the friends that rushed into marriage and had no idea who they were getting involved with divorced, it can hardly be a surprise to you.
However, if I've hit a nerve carry on with your insults.

Just because you're unhappy in your own marriage, don't kid yourself that everyone else is.

I think it depends who you are married to. I'm on my second marriage and we just had a baby. This time it has been completely different. I feel more in love each day. Something I haven't experienced before

Just because you're unhappy in your own marriage, don't kid yourself that everyone else is

Isn’t that kind of the point? A happy marriage IMO doesn’t equal a marriage for life, it equals a marriage until you’re both ready for something else.

Maybe I'm unusual in thinking that modern marriage is pretty great? Lots of people do manage to stay together for a long time and benefit hugely and mutually from that support and network. There is something very fine about truly knowing someone over a long period and having unique experiences with them, and loving them not in spite of that but because of it. On the other hand, if I'd been forced to stay with XH just because of social pressure, what misery. As it was, I'm certain I tried my hardest but it was not a viable marriage and at least I didn't have to become a social pariah because I left him.

“People pick the wrong partners that they shouldn't have married in the first place.”

Saying this from the position of someone who has been with their husband for a long time and still happy really fails to acknowledge how much of this is luck. You don’t know that the person you picked would grow with you, work with you, weather the tough times or not. I have been with my husband for many years (only married for two) but the fact we still love each other and enjoy each other’s company is mostly dumb luck

What a cynical attitude. I entered a lifetime marriage fully aware that there would be tough times and really fantastic times. It’s why we made vows - for better for worse, in sickness and in health etc.
Society might benefit enormously if marriages and relationships weren’t given up on so easily. I understand that some fall for abusive partners but that’s not the majority. It feels like hedonism wins over commitment quite frequently now.

Society might benefit enormously if marriages and relationships weren’t given up on so easily

How?

Well my dc and I would benefit enormously if there'd been an expectation on xh to have had marriage counselling and/or personal counselling before upping sticks. I believe we could've worked it out (it was due to his childhood issues, by his own admission)

I think yabu. Dh and I have been married 5 years but together nearly 14. It sounds gross but I love him more every day, absolutely more since we had ds. He is my person and I am his person and the thought of being with anyone else leaves me cold, I just dont want that, not even a little bit.

I think luck is a large proportion of a happy marriage. Being committed to making it work and finding a way plays a part but it takes two.

Before I met dh I would have absolutely agreed with you OP, I had no idea that a happy marriage was even possible; I thought people were just play-acting and putting dogs on windows. We have had the drudgery, the low sex drive, the money worries, the stress, the sick parents, the sn ds, the school problems, the hospital visits, the too-tired-to-think-of-anything-to-say and I could tell you more things we haven’t in common than anything we do, but underneath all that there’s no one I’d rather sit on the sofa with. For me the worst part of being married is the knowledge that one day, one of us will die and the other will have to go on alone.

I’m incredibly grateful but I can’t pretend that I am or I’ve done anything special. I’ve just been very blessed.

I also want to add that being Irish I grew up at a time when there was a strong social stigma about separation and, in time, divorce and I’ve seen a lot of women of my mother’s generation enduring awful marriages (and continuing to do so) and it wasn’t the social utopia that you might imagine.

I agree with you, Temporary. The current situation is better than what "Barbarara* describes, which must still be the same in large parts of the world. Forcing reluctant people to stay together is in no-one's best interests.

All the friends that rushed into marriage and had no idea who they were getting involved with divorced, it can hardly be a surprise to you.
However, if I've hit a nerve carry on with your insults.

I'm still very happily married but feel free to continue your teenage psychology course and come back when you've lived a little more and experienced friends and families whose marriages have broken down for a hundred different reasons. The only people who'd post comments like yours are those with no real-life empathy, kindness or experience.

Your comment was stupid and rude. If you don't like that, don't post stupid and rude stuff online and people won't need to insult you.

Somebody should have told my aunt and uncle who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary the year before they both died.

They should have a 6 year expirey date. Renew or do not renew with preagreed division of assets. Divorce shouldn't even be a 'thing' anymore.

Marriage should be a legal process such as a civil partnership, rather than the original sale of a woman to a male, and that's it.

I also want to add that being Irish I grew up at a time when there was a strong social stigma about separation and, in time, divorce and I’ve seen a lot of women of my mother’s generation enduring awful marriages (and continuing to do so) and it wasn’t the social utopia that you might imagine.

I'm also Irish, I don't think that outlook was exclusive to Irish society though

@Andysbestadventure that's your opinion but I am sure plenty of others do not agree with you.

I certainly would not want to get married knowing there was an expiry date to it. How depressing.

I also would not want it to be just a legal process. If people do then just go for a civil partnership.