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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that marriages have a shelf-life

130 replies

Blindspot82 · 30/10/2019 13:42

I think most people fall in love with the idea of marriage.....committed to one person, forever, forsaking all others, till death do us part. It sounds very romantic at the time and people who do marry probably have the best intentions........at the time. The idea of finding a soulmate is very comforting.

And then, after the kids come along and years upon years spent nappy-changing, domestic servitude, repetitive boring sex, or no sex at all, washing clothes, little to no interesting conversation, ironing, paying bills etc etc the dream is over, the spouse is at best, a very good friend who you love but no longer fancy and surprise surprise, people find themselves straying, or catching their partner straying.

Lots of people do remain in committed marriages but equally, so many people take lovers, have polygamous agreements, or just end up splitting to start afresh. People feel bad for having affairs, but they're too scared to end a dead marriage for various reasons.......social condemnation, security, etc etc. I wonder if marriages do have a natural shelf-life and we're biologically pre-disposed to couple romantically with more than one lifelong partner. Lots of other cultures don't have the puritan Western view of one lover. Is it setting yourself up for failure to expect total emotional and physical loyalty to one person, for the rest of your life? "For the rest of your life" is a long fucking time! I think most people find it too long. AIBU???

OP posts:
milliefiori · 30/10/2019 14:37

It depends on the marriage. For me, part of the appeal an dchallenge (in a good way - I like challenges) of being married for decades is to really know someone, relaly support them and have them know and support you. DH and I have almost finished raising our DC. I was pretty anxious about what would happen next as he is quite a quiet man who hates change and adventure, and I live for it. But everything I've suggested so far he's beeen so enthusiastic about and he;s come up with loads of plans too. We want to get TEFL qualifications then go and teach for a couple of years somewhere very different from Europe - maybe China, then come back and build an eco house. There are lots of places we want to visit and skills we want to acquire and we're excited and looking forward to when DC move away so we can begin. In comparison, the adventure of meeting a new man and striking out alone doesn't hold much appeal. OLD seems so depressing and most women I know who are faced with it loathe it. I'd rather have fun with someone who I know inside out. We've stood by each other through some immensely difficult times and we have grown closer as a result. It's not perfect but what is. I like him. And he still makes me laugh.

fotheringhay · 30/10/2019 14:38

You can't make another person stay loving or committed to you.

And it's usually too late that you find out you've picked a bad one.

I was in it for the long haul, he wasn't. Many divorced people haven't chosen to be in that position.

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2019 14:42

I agree OP. I think deep down I knew when I got married that it wouldn’t be forever (I probably hoped it wouldn’t be forever). I know for some people they do make it last forever but for me I couldn’t think of anything worse. I married at the age of 22, already had dd1 with him at 21 so felt we had to get married. I left him when the dd’s were 9 and 11. I kind of feel like he was the one I was with to have children with but he wasn’t the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t plan on marrying again, I like not being married 🤣

AnybodyWantAChip · 30/10/2019 14:42

Some people always believe the grass is greener on the other side.
Some don't and value what they have.
There's not much more to it than that.

lynsey91 · 30/10/2019 14:43

Maybe the answer is if you want a long lasting happy marriage don't have children?

Me and DH have been married 40 years. Very happy, still very much in love and still having sex a lot.

We are child free by choice. Interestingly we have quite a lot of child free friends and family who have been married a long time (shortest time 29 years, longest 50 years) and all, bar one couple, first marriages.

Most of our friends with children are divorced and lots are on second, third or (a couple) fourth marriages

JacquesHammer · 30/10/2019 14:43

There's not much more to it than that

Of course there can be more to it. Life isn’t a series of neat little tick boxes.

Alicia9999 · 30/10/2019 14:44

People grow and change, successful marriages work hard to evolve together and not in different directions.

Lovemusic33 · 30/10/2019 14:46

The grass is greener on the other side, or it was for me anyway 🤣, I’m much happier being single.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/10/2019 14:46

YABU. Marriage vows clearly state the commitment that’s expected. If you think you can’t keep to it, don’t get married.

Too many give up too easily or want the whole white wedding and don’t really consider the commitment element. If it were illegal to get married more than once people would be a lot choosier.

MarshaBradyo · 30/10/2019 14:46

It really isn’t a definite that people grow apart or in different directions.

Marriages with children can be as strong as those without. It might be tested at times but once you’re through that can be as before.

JacquesHammer · 30/10/2019 14:47

If it were illegal to get married more than once people would be a lot choosier

It would have made literally no difference to me!

fotheringhay · 30/10/2019 14:47

I must have a chip on my shoulder because I keep wanting to emphasise that it takes two to keep a marriage healthy.

I couldn't have been more committed and adoring of xh.

I'd hate it if people thought I was bad at marriage because I'm divorced Sad

Benes · 30/10/2019 14:48

And then, after the kids come along and years upon years spent nappy-changing, domestic servitude, repetitive boring sex, or no sex at all, washing clothes, little to no interesting conversation, ironing, paying bills etc etc the dream is over, the spouse is at best, a very good friend who you love but no longer fancy and surprise surprise, people find themselves straying, or catching their partner straying

But life doesn't have to be like that.
I'm on my second marriage....
First marriage - no kids, travelled loads, had an exciting life and enough disposable income to outsource cleaning etc. Sex life was great and adventurous. However, he STILL cheated and it was, on reflection, an emotionally abusive relationship.

Second marriage - kids, much more 'life admin' etc yet we're still deliriously happy, have fantastic sex ( which continues to get better) and make each other laugh.

On paper the second marriage should be the one which is under more strain but that 100% isn't the case. A huge part of this is the fact we're a partnership. We share the domestic load and make time for each other - we have regular child free breaks and nights out.

MarshaBradyo · 30/10/2019 14:48

Fotheringhay it doesn’t sound like you were the one who was bad it at at all.

QueSera · 30/10/2019 14:49

YANBU OP.
The more life-experience I get, the more I agree with this view.
All power to couples who make it all work, still fancy each other, etc after time, the drudgery of life, niggles of small disappointments and resentments etc all take their toll. But like you, I think many couples become more like siblings/friends/flatmates over time, running households and families together platonically - other couples become actual enemies.

fotheringhay · 30/10/2019 14:51

Thanks Marsha I appreciate that. It's so hard to let go.

morriseysquif · 30/10/2019 14:51

YANBU, 'til death us do part used to mean the average age to die, around 45, steadily crept up and you could be together in your 80s.

Scary.

Benes · 30/10/2019 14:52

If it were illegal to get married more than once people would be a lot choosier

That's an incredibly simplistic way of looking at things.

I entered my first marriage fully aware of the commitment i was making. It wasn't my fault he turn into an emotionally abusive, cheating arse.

Butterflyone12e · 30/10/2019 14:53

I find it very sad that people don't believe in marriage anymore. There are so many divorces because people either marry the wrong person or they want the wedding day and not the marriage.

People change and evolve and if you're a decent person and committed to the person you're with then you'll grow with them. As soon as things get difficult people just up and leave. Very poor sign of character if you ask me.

NabooThatsWho · 30/10/2019 14:53

I agree OP. We live so long now, and we change so much over the years, the person who was right for us at 25 might not be be right at 35/45/55 as our personalities and needs change.
I think the truly happy soulmate type marriages are in the minority.

JacquesHammer · 30/10/2019 14:54

Very poor sign of character if you ask me

I think it’s indicative of a far poorer character if you can’t acknowledge it isn’t right anymore and won’t release the other person to a happier place.

A marriage isn’t an indication of your character or worth as a person, it’s time we moved away from that sort of thinking.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/10/2019 14:54

I think you are right in some cases.

Some couples grow together. Some grow apart. Some are keener and/or more able to work on issues that arise and others just can't cope with anything less than perfection.

Acciocats · 30/10/2019 14:58

Of course people change over the course of their life, it would be a very dull person whose thoughts and views didn’t develop at all over their lifetime.

But the OP is making an assumption that change is a negative thing, or at least that change means growing apart.

That’s not necessarily the case at all. Couples can grow and develop in ways which still mean they have core compatability. We met when we were at university (we are now in our fifties!) and frankly it would be bloody odd if we both had the same views as we did at 19. But I embrace the fact that we’ve developed as individuals. As for sex becoming stale - well, our sex life is better than it’s been for years now the kids have left home and we don’t have the financial stresses and worries of yesteryear. Not everyone needs sex with someone new for the sex to be good!

I’ve no doubt some marriages have a ‘shelf life’ and indeed some marriages shouldn’t be embarked on at all! But that doesn’t mean couples who remain together long term are unhappy really and just putting on a front.

Benes · 30/10/2019 14:58

People change and evolve and if you're a decent person and committed to the person you're with then you'll grow with them. As soon as things get difficult people just up and leave. Very poor sign of character if you ask me

Ahhh if only it were that simple.........

Nice to know i'm judged as having 'poor character' because i didn't like the person my ex evolved into. maybe I should have stayed with the emotionally abusive ex and just tried harder??

fotheringhay · 30/10/2019 14:58

And a significant number of husbands turn abusive