My parents have ditched me

[Halloweenmaz]

AIBU to be upset my parents have ditched me to go to fireworks elsewhere? I asked my mum if she wants to come with me and my DS (I'm a single parent) she said I don't know might be invited to some other fireworks.

The text came a week after I asked them saying these friends fireworks are on the same day as I asked my parents to come with me. She starts complaining she doesn't want to go to these friends fireworks and wish she could come with me but says you know what your dad's like. He likes to socialise and drink. I said well I did ask you 1st and you've left me for these other ones now. I also said it's not fair my dad does whatever he wants and doesn't think of anyone else. Nothing gets in the way of what he wants to do, especially a night out drinking with friends.

would it be the place for me? I don't feel my dad is a full blown alcoholic drinking every day and depending on it

Yes, it's definitely for you... Your dad is a problem drinker, and you'll come to understand that the term 'alcoholic' covers a much wider range of behaviours than perhaps you imagine.

You should also be able to give them a call for a wee chat first, if you're not sure

Ok thanks. Feeling really overwhelmed atm

I hope Al-anon will help you, OP. In the meantime, depending on your parents to give your DS fun family times is a disappointing dead end. You might want to start building up friendships for these occasions like Halloween, fireworks, bank holidays etc. Our wider family situation is disappointing (alcohol issues also) but the DC absolutely love hanging out with friends of any description. Hope you and DShave a good guy fawkes night despite this palaver x

@likeafishneedsabike thank you. Hoping counselling will help with confidence and making friends. Will have to wait until next year however as the waiting list is so long

The problem here @Halloweenmaz is that your first post said nothing about the extent of your problems. It simply sounded like a whine from someone with daft expectations. Obviously now you have come back and said a whole lot more, that is different. Posters would have been more supportive if, right from the start, you had described your dependency problems and how this bonfire night episode is the tip of the iceberg.

Why don't you try to meet other mums through mumsnet local groups? There is bound to be one in your area. Does your child go to play group or nursery? Do you chat to other mums there? Do you do anything on your own when your child's dad looks after him?

If you had more going on in your life for you and relied less on your parents for support and company, you'd feel a lot better.

I'm sure this is within your ability to change it.

Good luck.

My dad drinks and my brother is the favourite. I have felt dissapointed in how my emotional needs were ignored for most of my life. The thing is, I can't realistically change my parent or sibling. I can only change myself/ my expectations. I live my life very independantly. I arrange my social life, birthdays and christmasses without expecting anything from my family. It gives me much more peace and I hope that you will try to do so as well. I do very actively and consciously make friends to keep my social life active and basically emotionally replace family ties with other ties IYSWIM.

Just to explain the amount of ignoring: my father or brother don't even visit me every year. Milestone birthdays are ignored. Life events are ignored. When my child was stillborn I was told a month later that now a month had past I should be over it. It is so much easier for me to shrug my shoulders and not expect a visit or any sympathy. It still horrifies my partner and inlaws though and at first I found it difficult and I felt a need to explain it somehow. Now I don't and let people make their own judgements.

Christ OP.

Not sure how old you are but you sound very young. You’re going to have to buckle up and get over doing things by yourself if you want to have any kind of life as a single parent.

I’m also a single parent. I wanted to go travelling around south east Asia, so I took the DCs by myself. Same with Egypt, France, America etc etc. If I waited around for someone to chaperone me to do things I’d be waiting a bloody long time. Take your kid to the fireworks and have fun together.

RTFT Stuckinarut81

I understand your concern for your mum and your dad being controlling and a drinker, etc. But I also think you're an adult with a child of your own and you shouldn't be expecting your parents to accompany you to events as a matter of course. Your son will enjoy the fireworks regardless of whether your parents are there. Your parents have their own lives and their own friends and they are entitled to spend special occasions with them too.

my dad does whatever he wants and doesn't think of anyone else. Nothing gets in the way of what he wants to do, especially a night out drinking with friends

What is actually wrong with this? He has zero responsibility or obligation to you. His child caring days are over and now he gets to do exactly what he wants. Good for him.

Sounds like your mum is a bit of a coward and won't stand up and just tell you an outright no.

To be honest if someone gave me the choice of watching fireworks with some toddlers or with my mates getting pissed I'd choose the later.

It's not just 'some toddlers' it's their grandchildren.

It's not just this one event, it's all the time.

They are crap grandparents, is all, and OP needs to learn not to hope for any better from them.
I believe you are trying to do that, OP. Good luck.

Some toddlers could be my children TBH. I have zero want to go trick or treating later.

They may be crap grandparents. That sucks. But they are entitled to nope out of kid events.

Just make sure they know that they're on their own in the future.

I feel if you don't understand dysfunctional families or witnessed it before then you won't fully understand me. Thats fair enough, i didnt understand depression until i got it myself.

But is your family actually dysfunctional? Or are your parents in an odd marriage like loads of middle aged couples?

How old are you?

The issues are not your parents- it's your own personality that is behind your upset.

I'm not a psych but what you describe seems similar to attachment disorder where you cannot separate from your parents and see yourself as a whole person who can survive on their own.

What's the set up with the father of your child? Do you co-parent? Can he not step up and do things with you like bonfire night?

@jinglinghellsbells yes they are dysfunctional! I don't need to prove it I know how my childhood was and let me tell you no child should have to witness their dad strangling their mum in a drunken rage amongst other things.
So please don't tell me I'm the problem and not my parents

You sound very defensive. Your parents have a violent marriage. Yes, as a child that would have been very hard for you to watch.

However, you are now an adult and a parent yourself. Lots of people have parents who had bad marriages. But from what you say the violence was not directed at you.

You have said nothing about how your child's father fits into this, how you ended up as a single mum, and whether your son has any contact with his dad.

Can't you see the irony of you saying your family life was dysfunctional, yet you are attached to them for support now as an adult, in an unhealthy way, even though you clearly can see no good in your dad?

You do need therapy but you have to accept that you also need to break this cycle of dependency and try to make friends of your own, by meeting other parents - Gingerbread, Mumsnet, Netmums, local play groups and so on. Also- do you work or will you if your child gets free childcare? That's another way to meet people.

Maybe I'm defensive because I feel like you're attacking me and saying is this really a dysfunctional family? Like I said I don't need to prove that it is because I know it is.

Also I know it's an unhealthy attachment to my parents, I'm not naive and I know I need more counselling to help me

When someone posts a problem, they may be needing empathy as much as helpful practical advice.
I think that's the case here.
Maz, you're not unreasonable to feel as you do.
You don't need to give us a rundown of your whole life for us to understand that your parents have massively let you down for a long time.
I hope the counseling, and maybe Al-Anon, can help you to stop expecting anything from them and to go forward with more confidence.

No one is attacking you @Halloweenmaz
The issue is that you drip fed information from the start. It's a lot more than just your mum decides to go out with your dad and their friends. You didn't say you were lined up for counselling either.
You've refused to say how old you are (my guess is early 20s at most) or where your child's father is in all of this. So we can only comment on what you tell us.

I don't necessarily see what you have described as dysfunctional. Your dad appears to like drink get drunk, can be violent and your mum appears to put up with it. That's terrible but it's their marriage.

You are now an adult and not living at home with them (I assume?)
Again, not enough info.

Your parents may have a terrible marriage but you don't need let that affect you now you are an adult and a parent. No one but you can change your life. You've not said anything positive about the many suggestions from posters about trying to meet other mums, so you appear not to want to hear any of that.

No one is having a go at you but ultimately only you can change how you behave and think.

Good luck with it all.