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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents have ditched me

121 replies

Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 09:53

AIBU to be upset my parents have ditched me to go to fireworks elsewhere? I asked my mum if she wants to come with me and my DS (I'm a single parent) she said I don't know might be invited to some other fireworks.

The text came a week after I asked them saying these friends fireworks are on the same day as I asked my parents to come with me. She starts complaining she doesn't want to go to these friends fireworks and wish she could come with me but says you know what your dad's like. He likes to socialise and drink. I said well I did ask you 1st and you've left me for these other ones now. I also said it's not fair my dad does whatever he wants and doesn't think of anyone else. Nothing gets in the way of what he wants to do, especially a night out drinking with friends.

OP posts:
Cailleach1 · 30/10/2019 12:35

I love bonfire night and I'm sorry but I wouldn't go with a single person and a kid to a display

It is quite a cold world when one's child and grandchild is reduced to a 'single person and a kid'.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2019 12:37

what is worrying @Halloweenmaz is that as an adult woman with your own child now, you need to lean on your parents so much.

Have a care for your mum. On the one hand she possibly feels guilty about not being able to say yes to you, and on the other she is under pressure from your dad to do what he wants. She's pig in the middle.

She told you at the start that there may be a conflict with an invitation coming from her friends, so THAT was the first invitation, not yours.

It seems an incredible fuss to make over such a small issue.
I don't know how old your child is but if they are at play group or school do you not have other mum friends you can go with? If your child is too young for either of those, I'd honestly not bother with fireworks anyway- completely overrated IMO and tiny children don't get that much out of them. You don't have to do fireworks . It's not compulsory.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 30/10/2019 12:54

Sounds like my parents OP.

They would ditch me for a more social occasion, but lay the guilt on thick if it were me that had something else i could go to. So id choose them in acomparable situation but they go for the more fun event.

BanditoShipman · 30/10/2019 13:07

Feel for you op. Being a single parent is hard. When I was, my parents were incredibly important to me, to share things about my dd with them, to go out as a family etc etc... your parents sound a bit shit ☹️

No idea what the matter is with some of these posters, normal people would expect their parents to want to spend time with them/their children... it sounds as though your parents let you down a lot, not just this once x

FreshStart01 · 30/10/2019 13:08

@JinglingHellsBells I think the leaning on parents comes from living close to them, especially daughter/parent. I am not a single parent and I do absolutely sympathise with that, especially if very young, but I am always amazed at other Ms who seem to assume grandparents will be at every event or babysit or collect from school or run around after a child so M can relax. Get real! We are the parents now, and even with a partner that is hard work. Events/holidays are for the children to enjoy now, not for us to enjoy (although that's a bonus!), so lower any expectation of having a great time yourself because you probably won't, but if you go home with a child who's had a reasonably good time then you've done your job. We don't have any GPs close by or physically able to help, and my parents didn't when I was a child, its just not a luxury we ever experienced. I make sure my DM sees them regularly (3 or 4 times a year), which has to be arranged around her social calendar, but I'm glad that she's got friends and a life. I'm also glad she's not with my father who's an a*se and now NC but that's another story!

SoupDragon · 30/10/2019 13:20

You'd have to be very ignorant indeed about problem drinking to conclude that there isn't a big issue here

I agree. I was, however, referring to your assertion that MNers clearly hate young sounding single mothers.

GrimalkinsCrone · 30/10/2019 13:23

Your dad is a control freak and a binge drinker who becomes violent, your mother excuses and enables his behaviour and you want your son to spend more time in their company?
Why?
Find friends, grow up, move on and be more selective about thee role models you give your son.

feistymumma · 30/10/2019 13:28

YABU, your parents have their own life and probably just want to spend time with their own friends and not family all the time.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 13:29

I was, however, referring to your assertion that MNers clearly hate young sounding single mothers

I said some Mners, especially on AIBU. Evidenced by the fact that some people can't be bothered to say much else other than "grow up".

OrangeTwirl · 30/10/2019 13:43

I also ask if they want to do stuff when I have my son at the weekend and it's normally we are tired, your dad's hungover

Do you only have your ds on the weekend OP? It sounds like your DP already have regular plans for weekends.
Do they help out during the week?

I have my GS 2 or 3 times a week for my DD to work. I take him to messy play, the park, woodland walks, soft play, toddler groups etc We also spend time indoors playing. My DD asked me if I'd go to a Pumpkin Patch with them last weekend. I didn't fancy it tbh so I said No. I've also refused to go to a Halloween Party with them this week. I love my GS dearly and love spending time with him. I will, readily, help out when needed. However, my life no longer revolves around my DC or their DC.

When you reach a certain age, and have made sacrifices to raise your own family, parents need time for themselves, even if it is just time to relax in front of the TV, spend quality time with their DP or socialise with friends.

I know in advance when I'm having my GS and push everything else aside to concentrate solely on him. I don't see the need for me to tag along to toddler parties. His mother is perfectly capable of taking him herself. She usually finds other parents with similar age children to talk to and new friendships are made.

It's not usual for GP's to accompany GC and their parents everywhere.

When my GS starts school I will be happy to watch him in his school concerts and pick him up from school for tea before his mum comes home from work. I don't want to be with him 24/7.... That's his mother's role (When she's not working).

TwoRedShoes · 30/10/2019 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2019 14:23

@ThreeLittleDots We have no idea how old the OP is.
I'd have said 'grow up' even if she was 45- it's her attitude not her chronological age that's the issue. I've had no parental support from grandparents close by other than my mum coming to stay now and then. Both sides of the family lived at far ends of the UK with us 300 miles away from both. Yes, I had a partner but as he travelled the world a lot, it was like being single sometimes.

Making a fuss over bonfire night is just barmy. It's not Xmas or a birthday it's just a bloody firework display.

1forAll74 · 30/10/2019 14:24

Best that you go to your firework display with just your son, as there are bound to be other Mum's and children there. You will just have to accept how your parents do their own things. It's not a big deal really,despite you being a bit upset about it.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 14:28

We have no idea how old the OP is

No - which is why I deliberately said 'young sounding'.

Making a fuss over bonfire night is just barmy. It's not Xmas or a birthday it's just a bloody firework display

OP said there are deeper issues, and she's not the first person to begin a thread, initially about a singular event, only to reveal an unhealthy family dynamic underneath.

Have some compassion.

Original poster
Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 15:02

Just read through all the comments.

People telling me to grow up, it's their opinion and they're entitled to that but I'm not taking it personally as they don't know the full picture.

As other people have said yes it's one event but it's one of alot of events/situations. I shouldn't have expected them to come with me because I get let down alot From them. I'm not a young mum to clear that up too.

Yes my dad has his drink issues. It gets particularly bad over the Christmas season where me and my mum have had to speak to him. He promises to calm down but it falls on deaf ears. She's does enable him. He also enables her she isn't all innocent. And I am current waiting for counselling because I am trying to break away from them. Not rely on them so much. I believe they like me relying on them but it's not healthy.

I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are busy and have families of their own doing their own thing. I find it's harder when you're single to be included in couples/family stuff.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 15:07

I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are busy and have families of their own doing their own thing. I find it's harder when you're single to be included in couples/family stuff

I'm glad that you're on the counselling waiting list. Obviously you don't have to at all, but I know someone who went along to the local Al-Anon meetings and has made loads of long-lasting friendships there, with mainly single women. I think partly due to being around other people who 'get it'.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 15:07

But I'll stop banging on about that now Wink

LonginesPrime · 30/10/2019 15:14

OP, see if there's a Gingerbread group or a Meetup group for single parents near you. Or perhaps start one if there isn't.

How old is your DS?

I do agree that it feels harder to get involved in group family things as a single parent as they often feel couple-based. However, I used to find my own lack of confidence was holding me back from instigating things with other families rather than their not wanting to hang out with me.

FreshStart01 · 30/10/2019 15:15

I am current waiting for counselling because I am trying to break away from them.

You can do it! I'm sorry if I didn't sound compassionate, having shitty parents is tough. You might be interested in a discussion group called "But we took you to stately homes" which I just joined. Lots of people with parents who have fallen well short of the mark.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3727835-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-October-2019-onwards-thread

Original poster
Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 16:03

@threelittledots thank you i will give al-anon a look. I have been to coda before as i think I am co dependant and think they have similar steps to AA.

@longinesprime I do follow gingerbread on social media. Just never attended a get together. Very scary but I need to put myself out there more. He is 3 so starting school next year.

Thanks @freshstart01 I have followed the stately homes thread for a while and posted a few times

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 16:50

thank you i will give al-anon a look. I have been to coda before as i think I am co dependant and think they have similar steps to AA

As far as I understand it, Al-Anon don't necessarily involve doing the 12 steps yourself (though happy to be corrected) - it's a support and friendship group for the family or friends of alcoholics.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 16:51

To clarify: Al-anon and AA are different organisations :)

TwoRedShoes · 30/10/2019 17:08

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 18:16

@threelittledots I just looked at al-anon would it be the place for me? I don't feel my dad is a full blown alcoholic drinking every day and depending on it?

@tworedshoes I know I'm trying to find like minded people in sure it will get better when my confidence grows and with the counselling. I'm hoping to get the same counsellor as last year as she was really good.

OP posts:
Happityhap · 30/10/2019 22:34

Your Dad's drinking is affecting your relationship with him and your Mum, so I'd say yes, give Al-Anon a try.

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