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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents have ditched me

121 replies

Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 09:53

AIBU to be upset my parents have ditched me to go to fireworks elsewhere? I asked my mum if she wants to come with me and my DS (I'm a single parent) she said I don't know might be invited to some other fireworks.

The text came a week after I asked them saying these friends fireworks are on the same day as I asked my parents to come with me. She starts complaining she doesn't want to go to these friends fireworks and wish she could come with me but says you know what your dad's like. He likes to socialise and drink. I said well I did ask you 1st and you've left me for these other ones now. I also said it's not fair my dad does whatever he wants and doesn't think of anyone else. Nothing gets in the way of what he wants to do, especially a night out drinking with friends.

OP posts:
fridgegrazer · 30/10/2019 10:49

I know grandparents don't have to go to bonfires with their grandchildren, but it's sad that they don't want to and would prefer to go drinking with friends - surely you can do that any time of year.

What are they like at other times such as Christmas?

I would hold off on the invites for a while and let them approach you. If they don't, then that tells you what you need to know - and I agree with the pp who said you will have a good time meeting other families there anyway.

Original poster
Halloweenmaz · 30/10/2019 10:55

Yes there is alot of back story. I could go on for days. Agree title is a bit dramatic but as PP said it's MN

If my DS asked me to go to some thing I would. Parents always let me down. Would he nice to have some support.

And I also read it as I'm holding out for a better offer. I wouldn't say my dad is an alcoholic but he's a massive binge drinker who has been violent when drunk and turns into a complete d$%khead. My mum wouldn't dare challenge him when drunk.

And yes they have their own lives they fully live it to the full. They are always busy with friends and events. I don't feel it's hard to take some time to spend with your daughter and grandchild. When I say my dad doesn't let stuff get in the way I mean birthdays and events he won't care and still go and do his hobbies.

OP posts:
Whocutdownthecherrytree · 30/10/2019 10:57

Yes I agree with first response. Your parents are no longer responsible for you, you are an adult. They aren’t required to make everything better for you. What if the shoe was on the other foot? You had a great new partner who has some lovely friends that invite you to a kid friendly fireworks party? Surely you would chose that over hanging out with your parents? Sorry your life isn’t going the way you want and you feel hard done by, but there has to come a time when you stop making them responsible in your head for being your back up plan..?

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 30/10/2019 10:57

You’re kind of having a tantrum

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 10:58

he's a massive binge drinker who has been violent when drunk and turns into a complete d$%khead. My mum wouldn't dare challenge him when drunk

People don't need to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. But the definition doesn't really matter. His drinking is affecting the family. Have you looked up the Al-Anon link I posted? It may be something you & your mum could do together, if you can manage to prise her away!

MerlinsScarf · 30/10/2019 10:58

That's a real shame. It sounds like you're not expecting your parents' lives to revolve around you, you just want some quality time together? That's fair enough, and I'm sorry your dad prioritises drinking. YANBU.

I hope you and your DS have a lovely time, and that other pps will offer some good advice on your family dynamic.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 10:59

One definition of an alcoholic is that their primary relationship is with drink, above all else. Sound familiar?

Lucked · 30/10/2019 11:04

It’s bonfire night and fireworks just take your child to a display and job done. If their friends are having a party I can understand your parents wanting to go to that.

Alcoholic father sounds like a whole other thread but pick your battles.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 11:07

I think unless you look into how problem drinking affects families, and how you can protect yourself from feelings of rejection, this is something that's just going to come up for you again and again - but you have a choice OP.

On the surface this incident looks like a tiny thing, but it's needling away at you for a reason - and you know the family dynamic isn't right or healthy.

meyouandlulutoo · 30/10/2019 11:07

By the title of your post I also thought you had been chucked out of home! Initially I also thought you were being quite selfish.

However, I really understand where you are coming from. I spend a lot of time with my dgc and would definitely rather accompany them to a firework party, I attend a lot of stuff with mine, school plays, parties, sports events etc - sometimes DH comes along and sometimes I just go on my own.

I suppose some grandparents just aren't that interested in their offspring once they've grown up and have children of their own.

It seems you feel a glaringly obvious difference between how your son's father's family take an interest in him to how your parent's act and I do understand how upsetting for you this is. I do think your DM is missing out and she may regret this when he is older and she realises who he is closer to in terms of extended family. She will probably blame your father.

EleanorReally · 30/10/2019 11:09

your mum is blaming your dad, which is a shame.
can you go with them?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 11:10

Children of problem drinkers often have a lot of anger at their parent's behaviour, which is pathetic, abusive and neglectful.

Oftentimes it not until we have our own children that this is brought to the surface.

meyouandlulutoo · 30/10/2019 11:10

Sorry Halloweenmaz I cross posted and have just read about the dynamics of your parent's relationship.

theendoftheendoftheend · 30/10/2019 11:12

I feel for you OP my mum loves spending time with the GC and does alot with us and the rest of the family, my dad isn't quite as keen but still makes a huge effort. I can understand why you are upset.

theendoftheendoftheend · 30/10/2019 11:13

your mum is blaming your dad, which is a shame. can you go with them?

I don't think I would want to take DC to an event where their grandfather is likely to binge drink and act like a dick

SunshineAngel · 30/10/2019 11:14

First of all, they haven't ditched you, as she never said she would go with you.

Secondly, I don't know where people have got this idea that your dad is a raging alcoholic because he wants to go to his friends' house and have a few drinks. I know my mum and dad would rather do that too!

How long do they have to have you depend on them like this? You are no longer a child. You're a parent yourself, and need to make some new traditions for your child.

I know you said your mum said she would rather go with you, but there's every chance she said that just to make you feel better. My mum has done it before. Gone somewhere else when I'd invited her somewhere (I never sulked) and said she would have rather come with me, but it was my dad's fault. In reality she wanted to go just as much as he did.

Just enjoy your night, have a good time, let them enjoy theirs.. and maybe grow up a little bit.

Happityhap · 30/10/2019 11:14

YANBU
A whole lot of posters are missing the point that it's not only about this one event.
You might just have to accept that your parents are always going to be flaky because it suits them.
I hope the Al-Anon link is useful to you, tho.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 11:19

I don't know where people have got this idea that your dad is a raging alcoholic because he wants to go to his friends' house and have a few drinks

Because of the following, to which if you DON'T think OP's father has a drink problem, I suggest you educate yourself:-

he's a massive binge drinker who has been violent when drunk and turns into a complete d$%khead

doesn't think of anyone else. Nothing gets in the way of what he wants to do, especially a night out drinking

birthdays and events he won't care

I also ask if they want to do stuff when I have my son at the weekend and it's normally we are tired, your dad's hungover

BareKneesDeCourcy · 30/10/2019 11:22

This would make me feel sad, and it sounds like the story of your life.

Your dad sounds incredibly selfish, and your mum sounds weak and spineless (a situation I’m very familiar with).

It’s hard to create a solid foundation for yourself when your parents didn’t give you one. The people telling you to ‘grow up’ might not understand this.

I would limit contact with them. Just stop asking. You’re on your own, time to get used to it, unfortunately. I hope you have a lovely outing with your child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2019 11:23

If they always let you down then this isn’t out of character. Sucks but you won’t get the sort of support you want from them so you’d be better trying to build a network of other people for you and your son.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2019 11:25

I get it OP, they don't want to spend time with you or be supportive. It's harsh but the best thing you can do is find yourself other better company. What friends do you have who you could invite to go with you?

midsomermurderess · 30/10/2019 11:31

A bit of a leap being made that the op's father is an alcoholic and her mother co-dependant. It does sound like a fuss over very little though.

Cuddling57 · 30/10/2019 11:33

Your getting a hard time on here today!
Being a single parent is hard and lonely. I can fully sympathise with you.
You just want to spend time with your mum and dad - there's nothing wrong with that and it's a shame they are not responding. I take it from your post that this isn't the first or last time either. Thanks

LazyDaisey · 30/10/2019 11:35

Can’t believe these responses about OP over reacting, blah blah blah. If they were friends, everyone would be outraged. But because they’re family, they can behave like shits and OP is the one with the problem?

Christ, it’s eye opening how some of you view relationships with your parents.

The parents are adults too, who could have simply said “No thanks”. Instead they made it clear if nothing better came up then maybe they’d consider spending time with their daughter and grandchild.

Once something better did come up, they were hardly the fucking stellar adults about it were they? Oh your dad rather see his friends and drink than spend time with his grandchild. You know what he’s like (you’ve been neglected by him your entire life and he’s made it clear he doesn’t like spending time with you as much as his friends).

I’m sorry you have such asshats for parents, OP. No they’re not obligated to spend time with you but they didn’t have to make you feel small, insignificant and second-best saying “no thanks”

You’ll do better than them with your own kids Flowers

Of course it hurts when your own parents behave like the mean girls in high school. don’t like you

ThreeLittleDots · 30/10/2019 11:36

A bit of a leap being made that the op's father is an alcoholic and her mother co-dependant

It's really not. It's perfectly obvious to me, and most probably to anyone else who has lived experience in this area.