taking my 12yr old dd phone away tonight.

[Pinkyrosie]

I am having an awful time with my 12yr old dd. In the last few months she has gone from a happy, funny and loving girl to a moody and rude teenager. She has always been strong willed and I knew this would likely happen but am still surprised by it as it seems such a drastic change.

We are having lots of pushing of boundaries over everything but the phone situation is a nightmare. She has an i phone and we are happy for her to chat with her friends and play games on it but lately she has been on it very late at night. She has it in her room to use the alarm. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed and refused point blank to go to school.
She admitted she was on the phone until midnight or later and was exhausted.

So tonight the rules have changed. Phone is handed in at nine thirty. Well, when it came to it she has gone hysterical. Screaming, crying. Saying that she has nothing to do and that all of her friends are allowed the phone a lot later and that we are terrible and cruel ect ect. Says it's totally ridiculous and that it will make her behave much worse if we do this. She has just finally stopped the hysterics but is adamant she won't go to sleep. I am drained and upset.
I guess I am asking aibu taking the phone away abruptly? Do you think others are allowed to have them in their room at night?

DD is 13 and hands over her phone at bedtime. Always has and will until she pays the bill herself.

No phones in rooms. Not for adults, not for kids.

YANBU. Maybe other kids can handle it IDK, but your kid could not at this time, she didn't use it appropriately, it was effecting her health and would've gone on to have a negative effect on her school performance and attendance.

You made the right decision.

Well some of her friends obviously have their phones at night otherwise who is she talking to? Adults? Even more worrying.
You need to divert her to other activities which help with relaxation and sleep and a screen is not one of them so you did the right thing.
She is only 12 and will have to learn there are rules. Would she throw a strop at school if a teacher confiscated her phone?

My DDs phone locks out at 7.30pm and doesn't come back on till 8am. Never allowed in bedrooms. I am one of the strictest parents I know on phone use but I don't care. She'd be on it all night if I let her. YANBU. Stick to your guns. If she carries on, take it away completely.

Stick to your guns!! She'll soon get used to it. Midnight is ridiculous to be awake - she should be asleep by 9.30 anyway.

Oh op your daughter sounds just like mine, I literally could have written your post. She's going to turn 13 next month and this year has been my hardest parenting year ever. Definitely 100% take the phone. Try and explain calmly why you are doing it, and ignore the hysterical behaviour like you would with a toddler having a tantrum. Try and be sympathetic but explain why you are doing the right thing for her. My daughter's moods are so much worse when she stays up late. Good luck!

Stick with that plan. Do not give in.

I assume she went to school in the end?

Both DD11 & DS15 leave phones downstairs charging along with mine. Always been that way with no issue.

You were unreasonable not to lay down rules the day she was given the phone. But better late than never.
Do you know her passcode ? Do you check the phone regularly?

Also as PP said, my DS's phone also locks (at 8.00) till the next morning. We have an app called family link on it which does this and means I can control and see what he's up to on it. He's nearly 12 and just gone into Y7

DD (15) has to surrender her phone at bedtime and I intend that to continue until after she's done her GCSE's. (She won't be 16 until after she's finished them.

Mine’s goes off at 9. Totally reasonable. Phone should be off an hour before bed.

I also check it (not all the time but regularly enough) and know his password

She’s only 12. You are being a parent and looking out for health and well-being. Explain that to her when she’s calmer.
Stick to your guns.

My dc is 14 and hands phone over by 9. They’d be on it all night too.

Do you think others are allowed to have them in their room at night?

Going by how often my lot receive messages at daft o’clock yes, they are

However, I don’t allow it either. One of the 16yos voiced last week she felt she should be allowed her phone (18yo DS still leaves his as he hates his sleep interrupted) so was told if she wanted to take over paying for it she could have it. Otherwise if she wants us to continue paying then it stays downstairs until after GCSE’s. She opted to do without it overnight. Her twin actively likes the fact she can say “urgh my mum is a dragon, I’m not allowed my phone” as she likes her sleep, but doesn’t like to admit that to her friends as it’s uncool.

When 13 year old goes to bed dh takes the phone “to charge it”.Non negotiable. She knows not to even bother arguing, Tantrums confirm you right to act.

A lot of kids have their phones all night long. And in my opinion it’s because a lot of parents are either too scared to take them away because of the huge row it will cause, or are too exhausted to care.

Massive hats off to all of you taking those phones away.

My dd is 12 (13 soon) and hands her phone over for charging At 8.30/9. There really aren't many kids I see active on chats etc after then

You've been far too permissive and now you have to row back. Children of that age shouldn't have free access to devices in bed, at all. Mine is 11 and his devices are put away before homework/bath and they don't come out again. That's been the rule since he only had a kindle and will stay the rule as long as I have any control over the situation. Don't give in. She'll probably be horrible for a while but she'll get used to it.

My 13 year old has an iPhone as do I. I've set up screen time on it so I can control how much time she's allowed on it. I have had the hysterics with her the first time I took it away but she understands better now that it's a luxury she's allowed for good behaviour and anything other than that leads to it being taken away.
I haven't rtft but could she be having some trouble online?

My kids all have iPhones. They all have screen time settings so they can’t use their phones at night. There’s a time limit for phone use during the day. Why can’t you use parental controls?

Which are the best parental control settings?

buy her an alarm clock and take the phone. she may say that all her friends are online, but its probably not true.

there are apps like Qustodio which let you limit the child's time on the phone and lock the phone after hours. but probably better just to take it away altogether. and stick to it.

I’d take a hammer to the phone, solution resolved, until she can behave maturely and responsibly then she can be without if she doesn’t want to follow simple rules.