taking my 12yr old dd phone away tonight.

[Pinkyrosie]

I am having an awful time with my 12yr old dd. In the last few months she has gone from a happy, funny and loving girl to a moody and rude teenager. She has always been strong willed and I knew this would likely happen but am still surprised by it as it seems such a drastic change.

We are having lots of pushing of boundaries over everything but the phone situation is a nightmare. She has an i phone and we are happy for her to chat with her friends and play games on it but lately she has been on it very late at night. She has it in her room to use the alarm. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed and refused point blank to go to school.
She admitted she was on the phone until midnight or later and was exhausted.

So tonight the rules have changed. Phone is handed in at nine thirty. Well, when it came to it she has gone hysterical. Screaming, crying. Saying that she has nothing to do and that all of her friends are allowed the phone a lot later and that we are terrible and cruel ect ect. Says it's totally ridiculous and that it will make her behave much worse if we do this. She has just finally stopped the hysterics but is adamant she won't go to sleep. I am drained and upset.
I guess I am asking aibu taking the phone away abruptly? Do you think others are allowed to have them in their room at night?

I don’t think parents should be checking their children’s phones. Massive invasion of privacy! If you suspect bullying, talk to your child/ren. They’ll be less likely to confide in you if they feel you’re invading their privacy and will be more secretive and argumentative.

I don’t get this train of thought at all. No one would let their 12yo just go out and never say where they were going or who with, yet so many parents allow their kids complete freedom online

If I let my kid walk the street talking to strangers at midnight I’d (rightly) get lambasted for it. Yet despite all the advice given people still risk their kids chatting to all and sundry because of ‘privacy’.

And people can say “oh my kid is well behaved” or “my kid is sensible” but groomers and bullies are smart. Being well behaved or sensible isn’t a defence

It's not just bullying and grooming you need to worry about.

For instance- there's been loads in the news recently about Molly Russell, the 14 year old who killed herself after viewing hundreds of images of self harm online. Her parents had no idea about the sort of content she was accessing until it was too late.

Buy an alarm clock. Good on you for not giving in to her. Preteen and teen years are very difficult and although they may fight you tooth and nail they need structure and routines. They will thank you for it when they are older. That being said, Pick your battles. Dont get frantic. This to shall pass.

Thanks for all your comments. She had it taken from her at half nine. She cried and shouted for about an hour. It was like having a toddler again. We didn't give in though. She was miserable as anything this morning but up and ready for school in time.
She used to love reading and that seems to have stopped so I am going to let her choose a couple of books and see if she will start to read again before lights out. I am also worried that something else is wrong but she keeps saying there isn't. Hoping her behaviour will begin to improve over the next week or so
Who'd be a parent eh!!

OP, do you not check her phone every so often to see what she is doing on it?

Hi OP

Have been reading with interest. My DD (12.5) is similarly emotional and phone obsessed.

I have always taken her phone half an hour before lights out and chat have it back in the morning until she is totally ready for school. She has started saying how unfair I am recently and yes , the guilt tripping about her mates being allowed to have theirs but am
Not backing down.

She has an Alexa in her room which works reAlly well to stop her getting bored. She dies use it as an alarm clock but also to play relaxing music to help her sleep, ask it questions etc. Great Christmas present last year! Good luck .

you are 100% right,.good luck.

We're not at this stage yet, but thanks all for the google family link tip.

If my child was staying on her phone until midnight so she was too tired for school it would be going in a locked cupboard for a month, minimum.

I have a 15 yr old and her phone isn't allowed in her room at bedtime. She isn't happy about it but understands the reasons why so doesn't put up.a fight. To the parent that said monitoring a childs online activity is an invasion of privacy, rubbish, that is an excuse for lazy parenting. You have a responsibility as a parent to keep him/her safe. If you think teenagers will be honest with you about absolutely everything then sorry, you are deluded and putting them at risk.

Dd14 has her phone and iPad put on charge downstairs at 8pm, she gets it back at 8am once she's ready for the day.
She sleeps better and reads loads. She's not always happy with the arrangement, but it's been routine for years.

All electronics are left downstairs, we all have normal alarms and DD has an Alexa which is set to wake her.

DD leaves her phone when she goes to bed and I am amazed by the amount of WhatsApps coming in at 10pm.

We do have issues once in a while but in general she accepts it.

I take it as I know how much of a draw a beeping phone is and that D’s’ friends are on theirs very late

Your dd will get used to it. You are doing her a favour plus removing a negative impact on learning. Keep it up.

@WotchaTalkinBoutWillis I'm lucky in that he's so used to it, he hasn't bothered to kick up a fuss. He's also admitted he reckons he sleeps better than half his friends, and then gets up pretty early with no fuss so he can catch up with any overnight gossip.
We do bend the offline an hour before bed round assessment , time but no phone in bedroom has become automatic.

No tech after 8pm here. That includes my 16 yo. Exemptions allowed for specific pieces of homework or listening to an audiobook (phone stays outside bedroom door - speaker/headphones in room). I don’t let them have sleepovers on school nights so why let them chat away to their mates all night just because they are in different houses. I leave my tech downstairs when I go to bed too, because I’m a dick and will scroll away until dawn.

Yanbu if she is up until stupid o'clock on school nights.

I can on the other hand understand her reaction. I have a friend with a daughter the same age and they behave like addicts when the phone is taken away/cant use it. Literally showing signs of withdrawal, anxiety, panicking, tantrums!! She will have a massive fear of missing out and think she is going to lose all of her friends. Completely irrational from our perspective but her 12 year old mind cant comprehend it.