taking my 12yr old dd phone away tonight.

[Pinkyrosie]

I am having an awful time with my 12yr old dd. In the last few months she has gone from a happy, funny and loving girl to a moody and rude teenager. She has always been strong willed and I knew this would likely happen but am still surprised by it as it seems such a drastic change.

We are having lots of pushing of boundaries over everything but the phone situation is a nightmare. She has an i phone and we are happy for her to chat with her friends and play games on it but lately she has been on it very late at night. She has it in her room to use the alarm. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed and refused point blank to go to school.
She admitted she was on the phone until midnight or later and was exhausted.

So tonight the rules have changed. Phone is handed in at nine thirty. Well, when it came to it she has gone hysterical. Screaming, crying. Saying that she has nothing to do and that all of her friends are allowed the phone a lot later and that we are terrible and cruel ect ect. Says it's totally ridiculous and that it will make her behave much worse if we do this. She has just finally stopped the hysterics but is adamant she won't go to sleep. I am drained and upset.
I guess I am asking aibu taking the phone away abruptly? Do you think others are allowed to have them in their room at night?

We have a no screens in bedrooms rule.

We named ours give their phones in until youngest was 16 (and bought her own) and eldest was 18 and a half (because she’d never thought to ask, just handed it in without us asking). Apparently no one else in the whole world ever had to had their phones in, and in other ways we weren’t madly strict parents, but they need their sleep. They both say they’ll do the same to their children when the time comes.

Made them. Not named them. Sorry

@Wakeupalready
Another with no phones in bedrooms and offline an hour before bed
I've had to relax with my 16 year old, can't be doing with the battles anymore, i figure he's practically 17 and I'd hate to have been told what to do at that age lol
Even if the fucker is still downstairs at 2pm when I need a wee lol
12 year old still strict with though, just like I was when 16 year old was that old.
Comes an age they need to go the fuck to bed GCSEs etc but they just won't!

You're allowed to train your 12 year old. You know better than she does what habits successful, happy people have and.sleeping at night/getting up in the morning ready for the day is an important one

true that

LOL that's quite the temper tantrum there. You did the right thing and I'd continue taking it off her until her attitude improves.

Phones off after they get home from school. On for half an hour after dinner to catch up on any messages. Off again until they leave for school. Oldest is 14.

I have a 16 and 14 year old.
Phones go away at 9pm. From day 1, lots of their friends have their phones all night. I don't care.

Let her carry on, don't give in.

I don't think you should take phones away. How are they going to develop self control if you never give them the chance. My kids have learned not to be on phone all night because they gave learned being knackered all next say is no fun.

Says it's totally ridiculous and that it will make her behave much worse if we do this.

Ohhhh my teen tried this line once and it made me see red. No way my kid gets to blackmail me.
Tell her since she had said this, she’s clearly aware and in control of her behaviour and should be aware it’s unacceptable, and further hysterics will result in further consequences.

What was the punishment for the school refusal? If my kid stayed up all night on her phone and then refused to go to school the next day because she was too tired, it would result in permanent loss of the phone, for the foreseeable future. School comes first.

Sounds like she needs some boundaries ASAP. She’s walking all over you.

Absolutely do not give in. She doesn’t need a phone at all really. She’ll definitely survive a night without it.

You're doing the right thing.
This morning she wouldn't get out of bed and refused point blank to go to school.
This makes me wonder if either there's bullying going in or she's posted or sent something inappropriate. Have you checked what's on her phone?
My DC don't have phones yet, but they have learnt that any tantrum throwing after not being allowed the iPad or Switch is met with "if that's how you're going to behave, it's obvious you're not old enough to use the ipad!"

My mum says she is so glad she didn't have to worry about mobile phones when I was a teen and that it makes parenting teenagers even harder than ever. Maybe we were all better off without them

We still found a way! At 12, the boy next door and I actually had the two empty baked bean cans and a piece of string scenario out of our bedroom windows so we could chat for as long as we wanted
The irony was we didn't even like each other, it was all about the rule breaking and not the conversation.

But generally I really do believe we were better of without them, as were my own kids. I think they have brought a whole new dimension to a young teens world and frequently cause more problems than ever before.

Yesterday 22:44 PavlovaFaith

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend a bit harsh, she's a teenager learning to accept the rules. If they knew all the rules anyway, why would we bother parenting?

It is parenting, and indeed harsh parenting, a child who refuses to go to school because of phone, absolutely not in my household.

This ain’t pushing boundaries or even accepting rules, it’s blatant disrespect and one if allowed to continue could see the OP in serious bother with educational authorities.

We made exactly the same mistake, had to backtrack and make handing phones in an hour before sleep the norm. It's hard, there are tantrums but they get over it.
dd is 17 now so we leave her to act responsibly and go to sleep when she sees fit. I agree they need to learn the lesson themselves however, while at school it is fully the parents responsibility to make sure they are on time, fed, rested, presentable and ready to learn.
None of the screen time apps worked for us, she would make a new Google account to bypass them. That's pretty common from what I hear from friends etc so I would always say hand in.

Sorry you're going through that. My own 12 yo is (so far) fantastic in that respect. She'll head off to bed knowing she needs the sleep and puts her iphone on the floor beside her bed for her alarm. She puts it on do not disturb and doesn't touch it til morning so I'm good with her having it.

Her little sister however? I get the feeling it'll be completely different and I'll need to have different rules. She's only 9 now so has no issue leaving her iPhone in the living room to charge but when she's older I foresee that's child kicking up a huge stink about it. It won't be fun.

Good luck OP. Stay strong.

We have the same age dd, same rule and the same row almost every night op. And this has been going on for a year or so.Its very boring saying the same thing Over and over again-although I find it less draining now than I did at first as it's so predictable that it kind of washes over me now. And I always win-her phone comes in my room from 9.30 until we leave the house the next morning.
The exception to this is Saturday night when I let her have it with her-because she doesn't have to be up for anything in the morning.
DD's phone broke once and it was a few days before we could get it fixed. She was a much nicer person without it and even said so herself. But she won't see reason on putting it down at all now the bloody thing is back. So we are back to battling over it and I don't think that will change anytime soon.

On balance I wish phones had stayed at the Nokia 310 stage of development. Enough to call and text, and that was that! (She says, on MN on her iPhone 🙄).

I don’t think parents should be checking their children’s phones. Massive invasion of privacy! If you suspect bullying, talk to your child/ren. They’ll be less likely to confide in you if they feel you’re invading their privacy and will be more secretive and argumentative.

If it works for you, go for it. Personally, I don’t take my 12 yro’s phone away at night. (I’m neither scared nor exhausted 🙄) it only gets taken to check or if she has misbehaved. if she’s tired in the morning she still goes to school and it is her that has to deal with the consequences. More often than not she is responsible with it and if she is up too long she will happily go to bed super early the next night. I found giving her that responsibility and trust has made her more self sufficient and able to manage her time. However, I know that approach won’t work for everyone and probably only works for us as it’s long standing and there hasn’t really ever been the “novelty” of freedom to use it that way.

I don’t think parents should be checking their children’s phones. Massive invasion of privacy! If you suspect bullying, talk to your child/ren. They’ll be less likely to confide in you if they feel you’re invading their privacy and will be more secretive and argumentative.

What a feeble approach to parenting. You think 12 year olds should have unfettered access to the internet with no parental oversight? I can't even explain how dangerous that is.

Ds has never had hos phone after 8 pm. It stays downstairs. Is 16 now and still that way. He has a watch to wake him

Sounds like there's something else going on.

Is she doing ok at school? Any issues there?

Our whole family leave phones downstairs overnight. Kids are 14 and 15 and they have accepted since they've had phones that the phones stay downstairs overnight. I only have mine upstairs when dh is away.

We all have old fashioned alarms to wake us up.

Good luck OP

My eldest is 12 too and she has been a grotty, moody teenager since she was about 9. I kept saying it couldn't get much worse, but she continues to surprise me. Her thing is her phone too. I monitor her phone (I check searches, messages (who from as there's girl who keeps changing number and messaging her who has previously been blocked) and making sure she has nothing inappropriate on it). I know some would say it's an invasion of privacy but as there has been a history of her being bullied and I have previously found things I don't approve of, she was well aware on getting her phone that that was the deal, while we pay her contract, she will hand over the phone if requested. She would happily stay on it until the early hours. She's allowed her phone to take to school (it has a tracker on it and gets the train alone so I like to be able to see she's got the train ok both ways) and in the afternoon/evening but when I go to bed, she hands over the phone for the night, always by 9pm. I have to take the laptop and tablet too or she'd be on it all night. There's nothing unreasonable about taking it away to ensure they get as good a nights sleep as possible. If she needs it for an alarm, why not get her an alarm clock? We have an Echo dot upstairs with the alarm set so she can't use that as an excuse to keep the phone overnight.

I don’t think parents should be checking their children’s phones. Massive invasion of privacy

🙄

Our rule is no tech after 9pm. After 9, the phone automatically turns off all apps/internet access which requires a code to override. This is a different code to their passcode. I have also blocked access to websites I don't want them using. This is all done from the parental controls in the iPhone it's self. I have also changed the router settings to mirror the 9pm cut off time for their devices, in case they manage to over ride the settings in their devices. Devices are downstairs overnight.

I have their passwords and the devices are checked regularly.

In all honestly I would be removing the phone completely as a result of the tantrum and threat of being even more badly behaved. She could earn it back by showing an improvement in her behaviour.