taking my 12yr old dd phone away tonight.

[Pinkyrosie]

I am having an awful time with my 12yr old dd. In the last few months she has gone from a happy, funny and loving girl to a moody and rude teenager. She has always been strong willed and I knew this would likely happen but am still surprised by it as it seems such a drastic change.

We are having lots of pushing of boundaries over everything but the phone situation is a nightmare. She has an i phone and we are happy for her to chat with her friends and play games on it but lately she has been on it very late at night. She has it in her room to use the alarm. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed and refused point blank to go to school.
She admitted she was on the phone until midnight or later and was exhausted.

So tonight the rules have changed. Phone is handed in at nine thirty. Well, when it came to it she has gone hysterical. Screaming, crying. Saying that she has nothing to do and that all of her friends are allowed the phone a lot later and that we are terrible and cruel ect ect. Says it's totally ridiculous and that it will make her behave much worse if we do this. She has just finally stopped the hysterics but is adamant she won't go to sleep. I am drained and upset.
I guess I am asking aibu taking the phone away abruptly? Do you think others are allowed to have them in their room at night?

Dd11 leaves phone downstairs on docking station every night and we don't allow mobiles upstairs. It's too tempting to google stuff and get carried away. Downstairs I'm not looking over her shoulder but I feel the opportunity for conversation is there and I'm around. I've said this will stay in place until 16 (I may reduce that but I'm setting strict rules so they can be reduced). Dd also has to be off her phone from 5-7pm as that's family time. She can check her messages 7-7.15pm so anything urgent is dealt with but from 7.15pm there's no screen time.

She didn't have as much restriction at first but within 4 weeks her whole behaviour changed so we decided to give more phone use structure. Her behaviour is so much better and she's so much happier with less phone time.

Both my teenagers 14 and 16 leave their phones overnight with me to charge. It's just too much of a temptation to stay up and browse and chat . I'm guilty of it when I know I should be sleeping . Good sleep is important at this age especially with exams looming . My partner's son doesn't have his taken away and I find him on it when he should be asleep and he literally grabs for it the minute he wakes up . Very unhealthy habit to have. Reading and listening to Alexa if you have one is nice to wind down away from screens.

I had to do this with my 14 yo dd. We have installed Qustodio on it so I can set the hours it's available for use. It just cuts it off as soon as it's a certain time.
I dealt with the screaming and crying and bs for about a week and then it stopped.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend a bit harsh, she's a teenager learning to accept the rules. If they knew all the rules anyway, why would we bother parenting?

My 12yo's phone doesn't even work between 8pm-7am. Just google family link, but all devices have always had restrictions to take the temptation away. This will be relaxed as he gets older.

It's easy enough to set up, just do that

Parental controls?

On Android it's either qustodio, or Google Family Link. Both have time restrictions. Family link is easier and more intuitive, and works better (I have both)

DD is 13 and we take the phone away at night. There is no way she would be allowed it in her bedroom at night. They are too young to be able to control themselves. You can buy an alarm clock for a fiver so there’s no need to have it for an alarm. Also there’s the danger of leaving the phone under your pillow which is a fire risk.

You should have laid down these rules at the start but you have a good reason now to do it because she has shown she can’t use it responsibly. She is 12, you are the adult. You pay the phone bill and are the parent so you make the rules!

I presume you also check her messaging and what apps she is using? Do you have any sort of controls on your WIFI? (Eg to block restricted websites?)

I have just done exactly this with ds13 for the first time tonight. He brought home a pretty poor report card from school and this is the consequence. I'm like you op, have been way too lax with phone rules and now it's time to change.

I told him at 9pm that his phone had to be out on the hall table by 9.30pm or I would cancel his contract. He yelled and cried until 9.40 before doing it.

Hoping for less yelling and crying tomorrow.

14 and 12 year old dc's phones left downstairs overnight from 930pm. At one point they used to be left on the landing on charge until I realised the 14 year old was sneakily going on his pretending he was going to the toilet.
They never argued about it once they realised I was sticking to my guns and that it was non negotiable and I know they're getting a good nights sleep.
Although I know for a fact that some of my friends let their dc have their phones overnight.

Plus as another pp said it's just an excuse to say they need it for an alarm. Plenty of cheap alarm clocks available!

Plus as another pp said it's just an excuse to say they need it for an alarm. Plenty of cheap alarm clocks available!

Sorry for double post. It said it had failed and to try again!

I know teens who have their phones at night and chat to friends and watch Netflix til 2-3am, are really behind with school work, never read and don’t have the energy to maintain a real life social life. I think it’s really sad.

14 and 12 year old leave their phone downstairs. No way can they self regulate.

DS 12 has to plug his phone in to charge in the kitchen overnight at 9pm.

Be strong, OP! Don’t cave. She will of course fall asleep eventually. If she’s again a pain about it tomorrow, tell her you’re cancelling the contract and won’t pay for it anymore, tell her she can have it back with severe limitations, eg no mobile data, she can use the house WiFi only.

I think phones/online usage are honestly dangerous and can turn dc hysterical when withdrawn. Limiting them is really important, IMO.

@Pinkyrosie No, YANBU. I have a 12 year old. Loves his phone.
He goes to bed approx 9.30pm to 10pm, depending on how tired he is.
The phone stays charging either downstairs or on the landing.
"My friends all stay on there until after midnight, you're so unfair!" totally wouldn't wash me with me lol.
I'd be like "if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?!"
#harsh #mehdontcare lol

My daughters have to hand in their phones one hour before bed. They stropped at first, but have got used to it now. Yours will too.

If I paid for it then it is Mine and You are allowed to use it as Your own on My terms. I know I'm generous to a fault aren't I? you're welcome - My dad talking about the electricity for my TV and VCR when he would take away the extension cord.

I didn't like it and it didn't matter that I didn't like it because thems the rules

As a teacher of 10/11 yr olds who are obsessed with phones/social media etc I can wholeheartedly tell you you're doing the right thing!! STICK TO YOUR GUNS - SHE'LL THANK YOU ONE DAY!!

Stand your ground.
Another with no phones in bedrooms and offline an hour before bed.
Break the rules, and no data for the next month. This applies to both my DS12 and DS16. We also limit phones and screen time use on the weekend from 10-4. They must do chores or something else like read or get outside.
Are you supervising her use and the apps she downloads as well? Because if not, you should be.

Thanks very much everyone, I have taken on board all your comments and advice.
I really wish I had been less lenient about her phone in the first place but I am determined to stick to this from now on. I think because she is so argumentative it's difficult as it's so exhausting and it's easier just to give in sometimes.
My mum says she is so glad she didn't have to worry about mobile phones when I was a teen and that it makes parenting teenagers even harder than ever. Maybe we were all better off without them

My 11 yr old DD has an iphone and no phones or screens of any sort allowed in bedrooms.

She also has to earn screen time during the week to 'cash in' at the weekend. Chores , good behaviour etc.

Though I do sympathise. DD can be a total nightmare especially just before her period or she reverts to being a toddler and sleeping in my room etc.

But I'd stand firm over phones. Get her an alarm clock.

Parental controls.I kept forgetting to collect DDS phone so used these instead.She started college this year and I've just noticed that the blocked times are still on.She has to catch the bus at 7am,goes to bed early and is too tired to chat and she hasn't noticed either.
Put up with the tantrums ,it may take a while but the failing at school,too tired to enjoy anything and chances for bullying will be far worse.

@Pinkyrosie No I disagree that it was easier. My lil bro would regularly be up till 3am on his amiga500 and I did the same with books, tv and beloved hifi through headphones, until we went to live with my Dad at 13 and he called time on that shit.
Instill good habits in her now and she won't feel the need to stay up with it because she will associate bed with not having a phone in her hand and will associate mornings with feeling rested, she will not have noticed that she's feeling like shit when she stays up regularly.

You're allowed to train your 12 year old. You know better than she does what habits successful, happy people have and.sleeping at night/getting up in the morning ready for the day is an important one.