Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell others when my husband upsets me?

106 replies

Blondieblond · 29/10/2019 21:07

So my husband had family members flying in and wanted to impress them.

He asked me to reserve a table at a fancy restaurant. We're broke but i say YES.

He went out all day to take them to touristy places and asked me and the baby to meet him at the fancy restaurant. Half way accross london, teething screaming baby, public transport, rush hour - but i say YES.

Get there hes not there. He asks me to come out - freezing cold - and find him and family as they are lost. Already had sat down, settled baby but i say YES.

Found them, in the restaurant now. His family starts ordering the most expensive things of the menu. He then whispers to me that i need to transfer him money. AM LITERALLY IN OVERDRAFT - BUT I SAY YES.

Baby falls asleep. Hes finished eating. I havent eaten at all. Ask him to hold baby and he says NO.

Ask him to excuse himself for a quick chat he says NO. Hes busy impressing family. So i get up. With baby and leave using the. money i was going to transfer on a uber instead, all the way home. Still in overdraft lol.

Was i unreasonable!

OP posts:
LoveNote · 30/10/2019 08:03

Christ! He wouldn’t hold his own baby whilst his wife ate

He said no

That’s the dealbreaker for me. It’s not going to get any better is it?

ChilledBee · 30/10/2019 08:03

It sounds like he's told them he's doing much better than he actually is which isn't uncommon.

Isadora2007 · 30/10/2019 08:11

You are both unreasonable as he asks too much of you and is rude and you say yes when you mean no and haven’t been honest with him. Then you left which is childish and rude.

mummmy2017 · 30/10/2019 08:19

How on earth did you parents end up paying.
How can he play the big man, when he has to ask his wife's family to bail him out, to n front of his family.

KatyCarrCan · 30/10/2019 08:19

Your relationship seems quite adversarial.You act as though anything he asks you to do is an imposition. Basically he asked you and baby to meet them in a restaurant. When they couldn't find the place, they asked you to help. I don't think any of that is UR. It's also not UR asking you to transfer money if he couldn't afford the meal. And it's very common in lots of cultures for the hosting family to pay for expensive meals because they're considered the 'successful ones who settled in the West'.
Was he UR to refuse to hold the baby? Yes. But I don't understand why you didn't turn to another relative, give them the baby and eat your meal. Instead, you created a scene and left knowing they couldn't afford to pay.
MN thrives on drama but in RL most partners like and help each other. Your relationship seems to be missing some basic components.

Magicmama92 · 30/10/2019 08:28

I honestly think you need to sit him down and tell him straight. His culture dosnt give him any right to treat you this way. You need to stop saying yes and start saying no. Be firm. I'd be thinking on if I want to stay with him as it sounds like he controls you wants to spend your money on his family and treat you like rubbish. It's not acceptable no matter his culture. If he wants to be with you then hes going to have to meet you in the middle as he cannot treat you so badly in front of his family. Also I find it disgusting that he picked an expensive place to eat then expected you to pay. It's so kind your parents did but its embarrassing for him. You need to really start being strong and more assertive or hes going to walk all over you.

Troels · 30/10/2019 08:30

Your parents were wrong to cover this bill.
How does he plan on paying it back? I'd ask infront of the visiting relatives. How do you plan to pay back my parents for that meal last night?

saraclara · 30/10/2019 08:30

I think you put your own parents in a really difficult position by leaving. The fact that they were due to join you puts your OP in a different light. I do think you were unreasonable to leave, knowing that they are going to be thrown into this situation.

So not only were they thrown into being in they midst of this tricky family that they don't know without you, but they ended up paying too? And you can't reimburse them because you spent the money on an uber.

Billben · 30/10/2019 08:31

One of the family members asked me what was wrong before i left. And i said HE upset me and pointed.

What are you, 5?

gingersausage · 30/10/2019 08:49

Jesus the handmaidens are out in force on this thread aren’t they! Did the klaxon go off in Gilead?!

Original poster
Blondieblond · 30/10/2019 09:04

My parents were late because one of them had a hospital appointment.

They paid because they chose to. They wouldn't expect him to pay them back. My mum asked my dad to pay for the whole thing and he said YES. I get my YES's from my dad. He would do anything for anyone! Thats just how my parents are!

Haha not 5 but tired of the facade. If he upsets me why can't i just say he upset me? Its the truth - should i have lied? And honestly it makes me feel better rather than keeping it all inside.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 09:15

I dont care what his culture is, this is just plain rude and disrespectful of you. I would think very careful how your future will be with a man who treats you like this.

Greenleafer19 · 30/10/2019 09:16

Sorry, but he sounds like a p*ick

ColaFreezePop · 30/10/2019 09:25

I agree with @KatyCarrCan that your relationship is missing some basic components.

I know you have a new baby and are stressed but you need to have a serious talk with him about what to do when his relatives from abroad come. There are ways of entertaining them without you spending loads of your own money.

Myself, family, close friends and many acquaintances all has have family members who expect to be shown around London. What some friends and colleagues from abroad have shown us in the past is that hidden tourist attractions that are cheaper to go to starting with those close to where you live are just as exciting for visitors. So now we do that.

Then if they want a day out you get a train timetable, help them book tickets and send them off on a day trip to another UK city on their own - both Brighton and Birmingham are easily commutable from London for day trips.

morriseysquif · 30/10/2019 09:35

Get some boundaries. I'm NC with most of my family since putting some up. No more being treated like dirt because we grew up together.

LannieDuck · 30/10/2019 09:36

He needs to i) learn to live within his means, and ii) put his wife and child first.

Tvstar · 30/10/2019 09:36

The baby was asleep, so why couldn't you eat?

morriseysquif · 30/10/2019 09:37

@gingersausage Love that comment!

underground76 · 30/10/2019 09:54

And none of these issues ever surfaced before you decided to marry him and have his child? Hmm

Obviously he's being a twat but you clearly knew what his culture was when you married him and you should have been firm from the start rather than saying yes to everything and then storming out. His family and your family must have felt incredibly awkward and it's not their fault your husband's a dickhead.

I don't blame you for being furious with him but I do blame you for putting up with this shit throughout your relationship and then suddenly choosing a big public occasion to do something about it in a way that had an impact on other people. You and your husband both need to stop behaving like drama queens and grow up.

Chloe84 · 30/10/2019 10:20

@Billben

One of the family members asked me what was wrong before i left. And i said HE upset me and pointed.

What are you, 5?

OFDOD. The one one time an OP stands up for herself and she’s told she’s 5?! 🙄 Hmm

Original poster
Blondieblond · 30/10/2019 11:56

Yes Katy I think we are quite adversarial. Its something to think about. I have asked him about counselling before and he has reluctantly agreed then we didnt book it. Non pc. But i think for it to make any impact/for him to be receptive our counsellor would need to be a man. From his culture or a mix of both but that understands my point of view too - so a bit hard to find!

This baby is a wriggly one who will literally jolt at any minute whilst sleeping and only sleeps in arms at the mo. So two hand holding is a must.

Really this baby has bought a lot to a head. Before we were more relaxed and enjoyed things now everythings pressure.

Anyways last night he called and asked if it was OK for him to come home. When he got home he apologised but said he didnt understand what he did wrong and that he was just taking it as a man so he decided to say sorry.

We (I) talked for ages about how he can respect his family without disrespecting me.

Just now his family member who asked me what was wrong at the meal called and said every relationship is like this. Sometimes i just need to calm down and not let it get to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondieblond · 30/10/2019 12:00

Im glad his family were aware as it forced him to talk about it. He talked to his family when i left as well as my parents.

Otherwise he just brushes my upset under the carpet. Refuses to talk even in private and continues with the we're fine - the perfect family routine. When in reality we're only human!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 30/10/2019 12:21

I'm glad he apologised and you've been able to rant at talk to him

mathanxiety · 30/10/2019 19:09

You must go to counseling, and he must accept that a woman as counselor is something he has to respect.

If he can't even get this far, then I am sorry but you are stuck in a position that is going to be untenable in the long run. You are going to have to get used to that 'pressured' feeling.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2019 19:14

Just now his family member who asked me what was wrong at the meal called and said every relationship is like this. Sometimes i just need to calm down and not let it get to me.

No no no!!!

His family member is dead wrong - all relationships are NOT like this.

They are only like this when men take advantage of every opportunity to claim their privilege and put women in their place.

Swipe left for the next trending thread