To tell others when my husband upsets me?

[Blondieblond]

So my husband had family members flying in and wanted to impress them.

He asked me to reserve a table at a fancy restaurant. We're broke but i say YES.

He went out all day to take them to touristy places and asked me and the baby to meet him at the fancy restaurant. Half way accross london, teething screaming baby, public transport, rush hour - but i say YES.

Get there hes not there. He asks me to come out - freezing cold - and find him and family as they are lost. Already had sat down, settled baby but i say YES.

Found them, in the restaurant now. His family starts ordering the most expensive things of the menu. He then whispers to me that i need to transfer him money. AM LITERALLY IN OVERDRAFT - BUT I SAY YES.

Baby falls asleep. Hes finished eating. I havent eaten at all. Ask him to hold baby and he says NO.

Ask him to excuse himself for a quick chat he says NO. Hes busy impressing family. So i get up. With baby and leave using the. money i was going to transfer on a uber instead, all the way home. Still in overdraft lol.

Was i unreasonable!

And inwas literally re living it as i typed - didn't evem notice the tense!

What cultural background is ur dh from

Why did you keep acquiescing? You give no reason.

Still not in the present, it was earlier today.

I feel sorry for you about this and hope you can tackle your husband about it, he was so inconsiderate.

You were certainly not unreasonable and I cheer at the thought of you leaving and using your money for a cab home. Well done!

You parents paid for it Did they offer or he asked them?

I agree with with Reanimated. He probably reverts to being a child again when in the presence of his parents. It'll be extremely difficult for him to stand up to that and everything he has been taught.
You did the right thing by leaving the restaurant.

He chose you as his partner for a reason, probably to escape from his culture, or else he would have picked a woman from his country.
He needs to understand you're not going to modify your behaviour (as in being all submissive) just because his family is there.

Can you avoid his family ?
If not, you need to both talk about how things are going to be when they're around. Setting boundaries and agreeing that he is going to take responsibility for his child and show you have an equal relationship even though it wouldn't be expected in his culture is needed.

His culture doesn't get to trump yours, nor your needs. If it does then maybe you're just not compatible.

SittingAround1
I agree with with Reanimated. He probably reverts to being a child again when in the presence of his parents. It'll be extremely difficult for him to stand up to that and everything he has been taught.
You did the right thing by leaving the restaurant.
........

I agree with the above, 100%.

Are people assuming because he’s from a particular culture he’s going to be physically abusive

In the UK, tragically, it is all too common for men physically to attack current or former partners for having the audacity to stand up to them. The OP describes a situation where she has decided to say "No" to a man who is clearly accustomed to hearing her say "Yes" to his every demand. In the UK, statistically, this kind of assertiveness can and does put women in hospital or their grave.

Misogyny transcends cultural boundaries. It is a global phenomenon.

As I can't edit and for clarity.

It is not their assertiveness that puts women in the danger, but the men who respond to that assertiveness with abuse and violence.

If you are not afraid of him, and that lack of fear is genuine, then I recommend marriage counseling for the two of you.

You can express your expectations of each other in counseling, figure out which ones are reasonable, and set rules or 'expectations' of attitude and behaviour that will be followed. You need ground rules to the relationship and to his behaviour toward you while with his family. They must be based on fairness and respect and honour for you, and given that you have a child and live in the UK under UK law, they need to be culturally attuned to the UK environment.

Before you go to counseling together, you might benefit from getting to the bottom of all those Yes answers from you.
In counseling, you can ask your H why he felt it was reasonable for him to ask all that of you.

He needs to sort out his family problem - he needs to address the 'face' issue. If there is a cultural organisation that offers men in particular from his culture help in negotiating relationships with British wives/partners and family of origin, please urge him to make contact and commit to sorting this out.

• Do not go to counseling with him if he has ever given you any reason to fear him.

** The two of you need to sit down together and figure out a solution to the problem that you as a couple are broke. What's going on there?

I do not think you handled this right.
Starting a dramatic petulant fight in front of his extended family and your own parents was the wrong thing to do.have you thought how embarrassing this was for your own dps. Sounds like they had a difficult journey, they arrive to find you have created a scene, embarrassed everyone and buggered off leaving your partner unable to pay.
You cleat understand the difference in culture and you should have long long ago talked through how, as a couple this was going to be handled.

Tvstar
I don’t agree with what you have said. Op had to start standing up to her DH somewhere. Actually doing so is far more important than the circumstances. Plus doing it in such a public way is actually poetic justice and counters the bullshit narrative he created. It doesn’t sound as if this man is willing to handle the situation as a couple or a grown up being more concerned with portraying the big I am.

Good on you.

"Impressing the family" does seem like a big thing in your husband's culture (I've guessed the culture btw) but I know a surprising number of Brits like this too. I think we can all feel the pressure to impress or do what everyone else is doing sometimes but it's immature and unassertive to not think "I need to do this within budget." He's got his family to think of which is you and the baby.

If my family were visiting from overseas I would probably feel obliged to make it "special." If I were skint though, my special would be a nice meal and pudding at home and a focus on free attractions.

YWNBU by the way.

And apparently, i cant talk to him when he is with family that is massove disrespect

I lost all respect for the man with this line.

He let your parents pay? WTAF!

Quartz 2208
Exactly this

Airing dirty linen in public is not good. Deeply awkward and embarrassing for your parents and his.why would you want to do that tho your guests?

YABU too!
His family come from a poor country and all I wanted was to show them a nice time and impress them. I don’t think you understand what that means for some people.
Presumably they are your family too so someone else could have held the baby too while you eat.
As for trekking across London with a baby that doesn’t sound so awful to me, lots of parents so it every day. (Aren’t you on mat leave?)
He clearly wanted it to be a special occasion in a special restaurant and regardless of culture you were rude to him in front of family. Surely he doesn’t ask you all the time to make a trip to a special restaurant.
Tbh i feel sorry for him.

AdriannaP you are being sarcastic yeah

AdriannaP Grow up. They didn't have the means to do so. You don't need to spend a lot of money to have a nice time.

@AdriannaP impress them with his wife's money? And then allow her parents to foot the bill? Forget that.

Racking my brains to think of a culture where women are not even expected to speak in front of men. Genuinely cannot think if one. Anywhere where men and women can eat together, tgey can speak together. This is less likely to be a cultural thing, and more of an arsehole DH thing. Also, why were your parents so late? That's rude as well.