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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex still using joint account, now its overdrawn

91 replies

ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:16

ExP broke up with me a few months ago now. Their choice, as much as I've tried to make it work, they're absolutely uninterested (gone NC, defaming me, lying, and the rest). It's been a few months now yet they're still using our joint account to buy items almost daily lunch, travel, dinner, etc seemingly intentional (e.g. will use other cards for dates / drinks).

I know they're having some financial issues which they kept quiet during our relationship (low wage, credit card debts, gambling, etc) and I've offered to help when I found out, still gave them some money for things after the breakup (stupid, I know, I'm still in love). ExP knows I would loan or give them however much they need, and preferrably I would to avoid accounts that I am financially liable for becoming in debt and damaging my credit history. I've made them aware in the past that we cannot let the account go into the unarranged overdraft; we've never needed to, not a sly boast but our lifestyle isn't really expensive and I have a decent job.

AIBU to find it unfair that the joint account has now gone into the unarranged overdraft, which has affected both of our credit ratings?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 29/10/2019 11:18

So close the account or speak to the bank to block his card if it’s allowed.

Jokie · 29/10/2019 11:19

Why do you still have a joint account? Wouldn't the first thing to do would be to close it? Or in this case, pay back the money and then close it. They're playing you for a mug by spending your money.

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:19

Joint account is responsible for our mortgage, sorry, I should've mentioned that.

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 29/10/2019 11:21

Speak to the bank, get the account frozen or closed. I don't understand why you're being such a mug about this. You'll probably need to pay the overdraft as your ex won't.

PuzzledObserver · 29/10/2019 11:21

YANBU to think it's unfair.

YABU to allow it to continue. Tell the bank you want to stop having a joint account (will be easier if you're first named, but you should be able to take yourself off if you're second named I would have thought), transfer all payments to your sole account.

Furrydogmum · 29/10/2019 11:22

Get a new account asap and change the mortgage payment - if he's using money so selfishly you could lose the house if you don't protect the payment from him!

AskMeHow · 29/10/2019 11:23

Then open a new account with just your name on it for the mortgage and set up the payment from there.

It's clear he's not going to pay his share of the mortgage, but at least you can stop subbing his dinners and treats as well as paying all the bills.

dementedpixie · 29/10/2019 11:24

Who pays the mortgage? If its you then change the direct debit to your account and then close the joint one

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:26

We're both paying for the mortgage and they have put their share in this month, standing order ensures that. Once my share goes in it should cover the mortgage payment (I'll be sure it does). They've not spent huge amounts on it, but enough on stuff that should be on their own accounts.

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 29/10/2019 11:28

Then you need to tell him if he continues to pay for his own things from the joint account you will close it and pay the mortgage from your own account and he will have to pay you the money instead.

BeesKnees4 · 29/10/2019 11:30

This is madness, are you hoping you bankrolling them will win them back? Would I fuck let an ex access my ££

LonginesPrime · 29/10/2019 11:31

AIBU to find it unfair that the joint account has now gone into the unarranged overdraft, which has affected both of our credit ratings?

YABU.

You should only have a joint account with someone you trust as you're liable for their actions.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/10/2019 11:33

Its unfair but are you both doing anything to sort this mess out? Whats the long term solution to the joint mortgage?

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:34

I'm not under the impression that a little bit of cash will win them back, but it's our joint account - I'd presumed there would be a sense of responsibility.

We set up a joint account years ago to help with a credit rating to get a mortgage, and I did trust them; which is why we bought a house and made plans for the future. Now I cannot trust a thing they say or do.

OP posts:
BeesKnees4 · 29/10/2019 11:42

Block his card and set a date they pay mortgage amount to you, that’s it done, they cannot be trusted.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 29/10/2019 11:43

What's the full picture OP? Are there DC's involved? Are you both still in the house despite the split? You're using they/they're pronouns so it's not clear if you are the male/female partner, or if you're same sex. I know that's pretty irrelevant, but wondering whether there are DCs involved and if the ex is a SAHP with financial dependency on you?

OrangeSlices998 · 29/10/2019 11:53

I would personally remove your name from the account, pay the mortgage from a different/new bank account and tell him to send the money elsewhere. You need to protect yourself from his financial woes!

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 11:55

Talk with the bank. Pay off the overdraft and ask them to take the overdraft off.

Ilovemypantry · 29/10/2019 12:00

You need to get out of the joint banking arrangements immediately before things escalate. Not sure why you haven’t done this already tbh.

dementedpixie · 29/10/2019 12:01

Change the direct debit to your account and get him to send his standing order to your account. It's easier to close an account (only 1 signature normally required) than it is to remove an account holder (both need to sign)

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2019 12:23

ShamelessEx

It has been a long time since I was in the same position as you.
From memory you can only have the account locked/frozen.

You can't block his cards etc.

In order to gain sole control of the account you need to get him to sign the account over to you.

It may have changed in the years since I went through this, you really need to talk to the bank.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/10/2019 12:26

You need to sort this out with the bank now.

He does not give a shit about you or your credit rating. You’ve got to look after yourself.

Doggodogington · 29/10/2019 12:27

Them/they’re? Is there a reason you don’t want us to know what genders are involved? I know it doesn’t have any baring on the issue but I always think the OPS who post like that are trying to catch people out for some reason. Like we’d give a different view if we we knew the genders.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/10/2019 12:28

If your ex is scatty and crap with money they may not even be doing this maliciously. But you do need to sort it out - talk to the bank, follow their advice and then inform your ex via email or something what is going to happen (do it in a way that will show they have recieved the message so they can't start whining that you cut them off from their own money with no warning...)

LonginesPrime · 29/10/2019 12:34

Is there a reason you don’t want us to know what genders are involved?

Maybe them's their pronouns.

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