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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex still using joint account, now its overdrawn

91 replies

ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:16

ExP broke up with me a few months ago now. Their choice, as much as I've tried to make it work, they're absolutely uninterested (gone NC, defaming me, lying, and the rest). It's been a few months now yet they're still using our joint account to buy items almost daily lunch, travel, dinner, etc seemingly intentional (e.g. will use other cards for dates / drinks).

I know they're having some financial issues which they kept quiet during our relationship (low wage, credit card debts, gambling, etc) and I've offered to help when I found out, still gave them some money for things after the breakup (stupid, I know, I'm still in love). ExP knows I would loan or give them however much they need, and preferrably I would to avoid accounts that I am financially liable for becoming in debt and damaging my credit history. I've made them aware in the past that we cannot let the account go into the unarranged overdraft; we've never needed to, not a sly boast but our lifestyle isn't really expensive and I have a decent job.

AIBU to find it unfair that the joint account has now gone into the unarranged overdraft, which has affected both of our credit ratings?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 29/10/2019 12:34

Shut the account and move mortgage to another account. Why are you giving them your money?

MouseMartin · 29/10/2019 12:41

they're having some financial issues which they kept quiet during our relationship (low wage, credit card debts, gambling, etc)

Shut that account down NOW whatever your feelings are for them.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/10/2019 12:43

I'm never sure about this kind of thread. Sometimes it seems like the OP is deliberately using "they" to harvest some "he's terrible" type comments, only to then dramatically announce the terrible ex... was a woman!

But if it is true and legit, see your bank manager and work out what you can change. Perhaps your mortgage provider can make separate arrangements with them for their half.

greeneyedlulu · 29/10/2019 12:48

Open another account for the mortgage, close the joint account and get your ex's share paid in to the new account. Please do not let this carry on, I had the same situation with being financially tied to my ex 10 years ago and I'm only now, this year, debt free!! Sort it, don't be a mug!!

Kazzyhoward · 29/10/2019 12:50

At the very least, get the bank to cancel the overdraft facility so it won't get any bigger.

dementedpixie · 29/10/2019 12:55

There is no overdraft facility. OP said it was in unarranged overdraft

LagunaBubbles · 29/10/2019 12:55

You've split from this person, so why would you be keeping a joint bank account, no matter how easy it makes it for them to transfer you money?

Beveren · 29/10/2019 12:59

Would she agree to pay the mortgage money into a different account that she can't access?

EdWinchester · 29/10/2019 13:05

What’s with the pronouns?

Or are there a few of them?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 29/10/2019 13:06

They can still pay into the account without being on the mandate. get him off the mandate, although he will probably have to go in the bank to sign off. Speak to the bank to see what they suggest also.

VanGoghsDog · 29/10/2019 13:06

When this happened to me, I called the bank and told them my partner's card had been stolen and he was abroad so I needed it stopped, and he couldn't call himself. I also changed all the online passwords.

Then I moved payments to other accounts, sorted out the finances properly. But I needed space to get everything sorted without him clearing out the account.

I did them struggle to get the account closed as you need both parties to agree to that, but you can remove all overdraft facilities as well.

penisbeakers · 29/10/2019 13:08

This is your own fault for not sorting it out sooner.

theDudesmummy · 29/10/2019 13:12

The pronouns are because either the OP and partner are gender-neutral or nonbinary, or they don't want you to know the genders. It's not right for people to keep referring to the other partner as "he", that is making an assumption which is not in the post.

MerryMarigold · 29/10/2019 13:13

What’s with the pronouns?

I was wondering of the ExP was transgender!

Then I realised it could be man posting about a women ExP and thinking he'd get a more positive response if people assume he is the woman.

GinAndTings · 29/10/2019 13:21

Time to put on the big girl knickers and contact them and the bank closing the account down once your exp/or you pays the overdraft off.

You should of closed the account before they had the chance to do this - you knew the temptation would be too great. Especially knowing they had a gambling problem.

Batcrazy101 · 29/10/2019 13:29

who lives in the house the mortgage is paying for?

Pollaidh · 29/10/2019 13:35

To separate from your ex partner for credit scores, you need to make sure your names are not jointly listed on any bank account, mortgage, and I think also utilities etc. Then you speak to Experian and the other credit agencies and let them know/ask them to check that your ex is not linked to yours, otherwise they could go on and rack up a lot more debt through gambling etc, and if they start forgetting to pay even their own utilities bills etc, that might impact on your credit score.

I do think you are mad to let this situation continue anyway, you need to contact them and discuss what to do to resolve this bank account situation in a way that's fair to both sides.

Hollyhobbi · 29/10/2019 13:50

The mortgage is in both your names? Can you buy the ex partner out?

Farahilda · 29/10/2019 14:04

Who is living in the mortgaged house, and does include DC?

Have child arrangements been made and is maintenance being paid?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/10/2019 14:06

Can you afford to pay the mortgage by yourself? If you can, then you need to start doing that and block access to the money by your ex.
IF that means moving the mortgage to another account, that is in your name alone, then you need to do that.

As far as I know you can't, without your ex's agreement, stop them from using the joint account - but you can certainly empty it of your money so there is nothing for them to take! And you may be able to take yourself off of the account, although I'm not entirely sure about that.

These are things you need to talk to your bank about, so get in there ASAP and talk to them!

user1486131602 · 29/10/2019 14:11

Just call the bank and say the cards have been lost/ stolen. You should get new cards for both of your to your address. Don’t give home the new one!

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2019 14:19

Who's looking after the children and is the other person paying child support?

raspberryk · 29/10/2019 14:20

Having a joint mortgage makes no difference you dont need a joint account. They haven't paid their share if they're then spending money out of the account. Move the direct debit to your account, have them transfer half to you in your account and get the joint account closed asap.

Ferretyone · 29/10/2019 17:02

While there are advantages to joint accounts in most cases one party cannot close the account or [without a court order etc] alter payment arrangements.

You can - of course - open a single account for yourself and put all the payments into it and set up direct debits for payments out. The joint account thus simply becomes dormant. However you will [jointly] be responsible for any overdrafts incurred. It's not a pretty thought. I really would suggest booking an appointment for a frank talk with a bank officer for official advice.

@ShamelessEx

AwdBovril · 29/10/2019 17:08

Either transfer all the DD & standing orders etc to a different account & close this one, or remove either yourself or your XP from it. You surely can't think that it's reasonable to allow your XP to continue to use you as an open-ended source of cash, they are clearly taking the proverbial. Especially when they've behaved so badly towards you.